A paragraph.

[Pierre Menard]

Hi, I was wondering if I could get some thoughts on this paragraph and some tips to make it better?

"A bird, perched on the bough of a tree, opens its wings and glides into the sky. Look, as it soars high into the open air, higher, higher, soars high above the scorched earth; Ah! But Suddenly! Something has gone awry; it’s now falling, much like Icarus, who flew too close to the sun. Look as it falls, rapidly back to earth; watch it fall, wings of wax melting as it descends. It crashes head first into the unforgiving land, now soaked with blood. A bird, perched on the branch of a nearby tree looks with little interest at its fallen comrade; it opens its wings and glides into the open sky."

Don't think of it in relation to a story, just a paragraph in isolation.


Copyrighted. :p

[Alexander III]

I am surprised no one has commented yet, this is a great piece of writing - though there are many stylistic quibbles which in my opinion degrade the piece, such as "scorched earth" and also the level of fascination off the narrator detracts from it as a whole, it would be better were the narrator more disinterested.

Also the "soaked with blood" "comrade" and "unforgiving land" are just the wrong types of gods for this piece, they clash with everything else in an unapealing manner.

The first sentence is near perfect.

On the whole an amazing piece of writing, definitley one of the best I have seen posted on this sub-forum.

[Jassy Melson]

Overall I find this to be a fascinating paragraph. So much happens in this one paragraph, so much is condensed in it. The quibble I have is I find it hard to believe that the bird's wings would be made of wax.

[Jack of Hearts]

It's competent in a fundamental/technical sense. The fact that we're being asked to take it in isolation isn't helping its case (for example, if it were a piece of dialogue spoken by a character in a certain state it would have a different degree of dynamism or magnitude). But this reader will play ball, so here goes.

This first thing this reader notices is that the description is at least once removed. That is to say, there seems to be a character or heavy-handed narrator describing the events in the paragraph. The character (will call it this for simplicity) seems to be relating a metaphor, we can tell by the end of the paragraph. The metaphor seems to be that even when we see others 'soar high' and crash and burn, we are too ignorant to learn from their mistake (ignorant being an assumption. This seems to be an open question. The second bird watches the first crash 'with little interest'- this has the connotation of active apathy or ignorance).

That said, the metaphor is not wholly effective. This reader did not relate to either bird. This is because there's nothing in the paragraph to help him. What you've essentially just done is make a bland, slightly negative statement about the way the world 'seems to be' to someone (the narrator, yourself, who knows?). The worst part is the blandness. The reader is not compelled to feel the metaphor at all at any point in the paragraph. If this paragraph was part of a larger work, the all of it would have a possibility for dramatic effect if it were the culmination of elements in the rest of the work. But as it stands, it's relatively uninteresting in that way. It's a statement that someone is making through a thin metaphor, that makes no attempt to draw the reader in using any emotional means, that all in all makes the reader say 'so what?'.

But it does have the fundamentals down, it seems. The sentences are coherent and it is easy to follow. Your problems are not the easy kind- they're the kind decent writers (presumably such as yourself, based on the skill you have shown) have to deal with. You must keep trying, this reader thinks. Keep posting here and showing us.






J

[hillwalker]

In a nutshell - a skilfull piece of prose that fails to engage the reader because it's rather insipid. It's presumably a fable (dressed up in a rather incoherent metaphor) but I'm not sure it serves a purpose other than displaying your talent as a writer rather than a story-teller.

Hopefully you will share more than just an isolated paragraph here in future.

H

[Pierre Menard]

I am surprised no one has commented yet, this is a great piece of writing - though there are many stylistic quibbles which in my opinion degrade the piece, such as "scorched earth" and also the level of fascination off the narrator detracts from it as a whole, it would be better were the narrator more disinterested.

Also the "soaked with blood" "comrade" and "unforgiving land" are just the wrong types of gods for this piece, they clash with everything else in an unapealing manner.

The first sentence is near perfect.

On the whole an amazing piece of writing, definitley one of the best I have seen posted on this sub-forum.

Thanks for the feedback. I agree with the second paragraph, I was really not happy with 'soaked with blood' but couldn't seem to get around it, but I'll definitely take what you said on board and change some things and maybe try a few things.


Overall I find this to be a fascinating paragraph. So much happens in this one paragraph, so much is condensed in it. The quibble I have is I find it hard to believe that the bird's wings would be made of wax.

Thank you.
The wax wings are a reference to the Icarus myth.



Jack of Hearts and Hillwalker, your criticism is quite similar and I appreciate the feedback from both and will definitely take on board what you have said.
I certainly didn't help by saying the paragraph should be taken in isolation, but I was more concerned about it from a technical point of view, not so much a narrative point of view.

:smile5: