Adrift

[PoetTree]

There is nothing but you, there,
and me, here, adrift on this raft.
We do not touch,
but I can sense your form beside me,
heat that prickles skin.

The silence has its own shape;
it hovers, stealing breath.
I make myself thin
along the edge of the bed
but you seem to spread.

I cling to my pillow
as though it could keep me afloat
and consider jumping overboard.

[hillwalker]

I enjoyed the sense of separateness you describe - sharing a bed but actually sharing nothing.

I would consider removing 'a mattress raft' from L3 and replace it with 'this raft' sincewe gather sooner or later the sub-text of the piece. It seems as if you are stating the obvious a little too soon - and adding a rather heavy-handed clue just in case we didn't spot the reference.

H

[PoetTree]

Your wish is my command, Sir Hill.

[Delta40]

That was beautifully expressed Poetree and I agree with the solitude of being together yet separate at the same time. You've captured a real butterfuly here.

[Hawkman]

Losing the matress was definitely a good call. I don't know why, but I was hit by a wave of dejas vue when I read this. I could almost swear that I had seen it before somewhere. How the mind plays tricks. Anyway, I think it's an excellent poem.

Live and be well - H

[PoetTree]

Hawkman, if I were going to steal or copy a poem, I would certainly choose a better one than this ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

Happy to see that you followed Hill's suggestion. Reading the poem after the edit, I was tempted to object to the switch from "raft" to "bed" at the end, but ultimately thought No, it's a plausible leap. However, I would consider deleting the last line which merely makes explicit what is already suggested in the line before it.

How spontaneous this reads, how fluent!

[Hawkman]

Hawkman, if I were going to steal or copy a poem, I would certainly choose a better one than this ;)

Oh I didn't think for a moment that you'd copied or stolen it. I just thought you were somebody else :devil:

[PoetTree]

Hill seems to think I should give you guys more credit and let you reach conclusions on your own, so I got rid of "raft" altogether. Better?

[Hawkman]

No, to be honest. I think the aquatic references to being afloat and jumping overboard in the last stanza require balancing earlier in the poem. The raft metaphor provided this.

[PoetTree]

Oookay. Back in it goes :)

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's an imaginative figurative image which works well, PT.

If you're feeling brave, you might consider just leaving the line: 'The silence has its own shape.' That's a great line, and would make a great opening (but you'd need to re-jig things); as it stands, the next line 'It hovers...' doesn't really work for me.

And I think the last line could do with being stronger, it just sounds a bit lighthearted or melodramatic, but you're in the right area. The 'clinging to the pillow' image is much stronger, that's the problem, but I think it needs something after it. Good stuff, though.

[Buh4Bee]

Late to the party as usual! The edits are well done as I like what I have read. Enjoyed PoetTree.