Already there

[DieterM]

Smoked salmon sky
above secretive buildings,
blind windows breathing with
a sleepy peace

Leaves raining down
from quivering chestnut trees;
yellow sugar memories
in icy winds

There will be snow
and tangerines and beeswax candles –
still a sfumato future,
a sotto voce chime

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

You established a very strong rhythm in the first 3 lines of stanza 1 but didn't quite finish it off. I feel you need a stressed syllable to replace the a. (dark perhaps)

In S2 the rhythm completely collapses after L2 and you don't get it back, which is a shame. Of course the rhythm may not be your primary concern but the reader sort of expects it to be maintained, so ultimately it reads as just a little unsatisfying. Likewise the last line which is just a bit too cryptic, at least to me.

For S2 how about:

"Leaves raining down
as the chestunt trees quiver;
Sweet yellow memories
on icy winds"

The last verse would need fairly drastic alteration to fit the rhythm template though, and those tangerines and dreams have me thinking of 70's rock bands and Beatles numbers. The idea of a sfumato future is highly original though. The imagery of tangerines and beeswax candles is strong and feels quite christmassy to me, but the leaves should have finished falling by then.

Interesting poem.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Well, Hawkman, I see what you mean re. the rhythm. I didn't set out to do a rhythmical piece (it was just a little morning observation, scribbled down in no time) yet after re-reading the poem, I did think it needed a bit of editing. Furthermore, I think the title was not right at all; it shouldn't be "Already there" but rather "Almost there" 'cause that's the main idea, the main feeling I had this morning.
Thanks for commenting; I tried to stick to the rhythm of the first stanza throughout the piece.

[DieterM]

Smoked salmon sky
above secretive buildings,
blind windows breathing with
a dark peace

Leaves raining down
from chestnut trees in shivers;
sweet yellow memories
on ice winds

Soon, there'll be snow
and tangerines and candles,
soft chimes, a future like
sfumato

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed very much.

A side journey re: "sotto voce" led me to "Eppur si muove" that moved me as well.

As for "sfumato" - what a wonderful expression to use.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[blank|verse]

The original's better, I think, Dieter. There's a nice Wallace Stevens-like quality to images like 'yellow sugar memories | in icy winds', which is much better than the second version.

Ok, there are still bits that I wasn't sure about, the 'secretive buildings' being one, as it sets the wrong tone for what's to follow, and jars with their 'sleepy peace'. And saying the 'blind' windows are 'breathing' seems odds and incomplete, changing the senses like that.

And I'd consider breaking line 3 at 'breathing'. Still, nice imagistic piece.