Help with English Paper

[nfarnham2001]

I'm trying to get some help on my English Paper. I just turned it in, and got an email from the teacher saying this,

Do not announce or use first person pronouns in this essay. The lead-ins are in the textbook (chapter 5). You should choose one and provide an example of it in the introduction. The thesis should include an essay map with three points. You may submit a revision of this essay and include it an email. Submit this revision by Wednesday of this week to receive credit.

I have been trying to understand the whole thing with essay maps and outlines but I seem to keep falling short on it all. I'm just not sure what I'm doing wrong. The lead-in techniques she speaks of are these:

Brief Description

Short personal narrative

Anecdote

Background information

And here is my essay. I don't want this done for me, but I'm seeking help from many sources trying to understand what I'm doing wrong. It is a definition essay over the subject, what is success?

Many people wonder today, what is success? As we ask ourselves this large question, many smaller ones join into our mind. What can we do to achieve success and how do I keep succeeding? Success is easily achievable by all, and it isn’t as big of a legend as most people make it out to be. In the paragraphs following I will answer the three questions above about success, as well as share my own personal examples, as I too have had struggles with success. In the past year I have had to challenge myself and push myself harder, to succeed in school, work, and even personal and family events that previously, I wouldn’t have had the drive to succeed at. Success is about pushing yourself and staying positive.

What is success? Success is many things. In definition terms, success is merely the completion of things that you planned to do. However, the opinion of most would be that success is achieving something great in your life worth noting. Success is a simple goal, and a complex achievement both in the same. Whether it is a great college degree, a wonderful and lasting career, a large family, or even short-term success items like finishing the marathon you trained for. This is an example of success in my own life, as I ran a 5k marathon over Labor Day weekend. I was so proud of myself, to have run in, and complete my first marathon, and placing within the top 20. Some may not see this as success, and others may see it as more of an achievement, everyone has different opinions on exactly what success is, which is why it becomes even harder to give a concrete definition to success.

What can we do to achieve success? If you want to achieve success, you have to begin asking yourself questions. What do you want to do, what is success to you (like we defined above), and what you have to do to achieve it. This is different for everyone, as what may be success for one person, could be failure, or a delayed accomplishment for another person. One person could set up a plan or a set of goals for them to adhere to and attain, pushing yourself to success, while another person could develop a social support system to help push themselves toward their goal. Both methods will help you attain success, but you have to define which method works best for you. When you’re in an environment that fosters success and helps you be positive, then as long as you are goal-oriented and push yourself, there should be no reason that any form of success would be out of your reach. An example in my life has been this current year of college. I have been pushing myself hard throughout the semester to make the Dean’s list or even the President’s list, and it has really driven me to create a set of goals, and attack it with a dedication beyond that of just doing my homework. Anyone can achieve success, and how you achieve it is as open ended as success itself.

How do I keep succeeding? When you finally do achieve success, be careful not to get in a relaxed state, and just let loose. This, in turn, causes everything to slack, and you won’t have the same intention and drive with anything else, because you still have that afterglow and accomplishment of success. You can keep succeeding by never letting go, keep your goals high and your drive firm. Another thing to consider is that it can be hard for you to keep succeeding if you don’t have success goals. You need to be sure to keep a list of goals, and things you want to achieve at and succeed at, so when you do succeed, you can keep looking forward and keep moving forward. Stay positive, and stay surrounded by positive people. This happens to everyone, including me. About two years ago, I was in shape, and I had achieved my success of getting in shape and losing weight. Well, after I reached that goal, I slacked off, and slowed down, and in the end I gained back a lot of the weight I worked so hard to lose. It wasn’t until then that I was aware I couldn’t just slack off, I had to maintain my success and keep going. Keep succeeding and always keep pushing yourself.

So now we know what success is, how we can achieve it, and how to keep succeeding throughout. You can succeed easily, and keep succeeding throughout your life, and this is both a goal and a challenge for all of us. Hopefully after reading this success will become easier to understand for you, and even easier to attain, as you now know that it isn’t an impossible thing, it should be looked at as a challenge or a goal even, not a depressive thing in life. Always stay positive, and keep yourself driven and success will come.

[hillwalker]

If I understand the assignment correctly the e mail suggests your teacher wants you to pretend you are a journalist reporting on what success is rather than just telling her your own personal story.

Your essay map is presumably a single line summary of each paragraph outlining the main topic of each. And presumably the main topic is ‘What is Success?’ though you don’t tell us this.

So the Brief Description should be a simple definition of what success is.
This can be a generalised description of how it is measured, how it may be achieved and why it is considered important. I’m assuming you can also come up with other aspects of what success is.
I don’t think your teacher wants you to tell her how you are going to write the essay. And since she asks you not to use first person pronouns you must change phrases like ‘how do I keep succeeding’ and ‘I will answer the three questions’. The essay is not supposed to be about you writing an essay.

Paragraph 2 is supposed to be a short Personal Narrative – giving examples of how you value success perhaps or what attitudes your family have towards it and how this affects the way you pursue it. For example do they consider financial success is more important than personal well-being, or academic success more important than emotional development?
I can't see how you can avoid employing personal pronouns here – maybe you could check with teacher first.

Paragraph 3 is an Anecdote – a true (preferably) story giving an example of how what you have already reported earlier in the essay has proved to be true in real life. The marathon is a good example – not just describing what efforts and dedication it took to succeed in completing your personal challenge but also why you felt the need to do it in the first place and the feeling you got when your family or friends congratulated your achievement.
Is success as important as appearing to be successful? Is it taking part that matters – or the accolade that follows?
Again, personal pronouns will feature if it’s your own anecdote – unless she’s looking for the anecdote to be someone else's. In which case you could pretend all this happened to “Danny” (for example) and write it all from his point of view.

Finally Background Information is presumably where you mention other sources that describe or report on success – TV listings write-ups on the X Factor talent show, newspaper reports on local sporting events, even national coverage on the Libyan conflict. Anything that supports what you have already said – that success matters to those taking part and those who are provide support.

But I would suggest you avoid sentences like

‘Success is easily achievable by all…’ which is obviously untrue,

or ‘You can keep succeeding by never letting go, keep your goals high and your drive firm.’ which sounds like it came from a golfing manual

or even ‘You can succeed easily, and keep succeeding throughout your life…’ because it sounds like it came from a cheesy self-help programme off the Lifestyle channel.

I’d also try to cut back on describing how hard you have worked to make the Deans List and how hard you are striving to keep up your grades. It's a little too personal - more like a desperate plea for a good mark on this assignment. And it comes across as sincere as a politician’s smile.

Good luck

H