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Delta40
10-27-2011, 06:02 PM
Shirlene staggers off the bus on Wednesday while I drink coffee on my verandah. She's 34 and as skinny as anyone I've seen. Her drinking buddy is an older man called Avon.

'I was named after the river.' The river is turbulent and every year, budding canoeists try to make the descent safely to win some grand monetary prize.

Together they travel around, toting their green shoping bag which contains 4 litres of the cheapest moselle you can buy, spending time with relatives. I wave to her. Ever since my friend and I stopped some drunk bastard from punching her up at the bus stop last year, she has always called me 'sista'. It's actually a compliment, like I've become part of her family and she hugs me each time our paths cross.

You'd think that in the light of day, she would be more lucid. I don't know why I expect that. People get together with friends to unwind at night and in the day, they either work or maybe feed the mouths of children but the reality is, we don't all share the same existence. For some it's about survival. Shirlene is a survivor, no matter what anyone else says about her.

'Hey my sista. how you going?'

'I'm doing alright. What about you Shirlene? What's happening?'

She takes a seat and asks if she can steal a couple of smokes. Go for it I say. I need to kick the habit anyway. Avon sits on the stoop staring toward the road with his one good eye, like an aging watchdog. The other one is gooey and the pupil is off centre. I can never be sure if he's looking directly at me on the few occasions he talks.

Anyway, with a smoke each, they take out the moselle. Avon fills a small coffee jar with the stuff but gives the tupperware container to Shirlene. He sways and I notice his hands shake uncontrollably but he manages to get most of the wine in. I joke and tell him to be careful and he tells me he is immune to the stuff now like it is just a plain fact. Facts are relative but he believes it and after a few drags and a drink, he tells me the only problem he suffers from is blackouts.

'Don't you fall off my bloody stoop then!' Shirlene laughs when he says it's ok coz there's nothing but grass to land on.

'He'll be alright. You know he always makes sure I got a drink first eh.'

Like any good bartender, Avon keeps the drinks topped up. He's got pride as he battles his way through life.

'I do too. Shirlene is always served before me.'

We talk general stuff first. The weather. Cloudy one day, shiny the next. Her words are slurred but not just from alcohol. Despite her young age, her top teeth have rotted till all that is left is grey black bone at the top of her gums. She is still pretty, even with a lisp but they both look much older than their years. I ask about her family.

'Theys ok.' I hear about uncles, second cousins, grandparents and the mother who is not really her mother but is like one to her. She struggles to remember some of their names but I know I'll never join the dots in a million years so it doesn't matter. We talk about people we know in the community.

I offer to get a couple of plastic cups and joke to Avon that no matter how much he drinks, he deserves more than a coffee jar. Shirlene laughs at him and says he takes it everywhere coz he's real good to her with the tupperware container. She's teasing him but he maintains his watchdog position, loyal to the woman he feels he protects.

At the lowest point of chronic alcholism, he's still a gentleman and makes sure Shirlene doesn't go without.

I tell them about my experience with moselle. Once I drank so much of it, I passed out with my head in the toilet and swore I'd never drink it again. With two new plastic cups, they're looking a bit better but Shirlene has had a hard year of it. I know it and for a selfish moment, I thank God I have never travelled her path.

There's such a thing as woman's business and I know she wants to tell me something but Avon is there, his presence making her feel safe but also keeping her silent.

'I don't go nowhere without him.'

I think he is her uncle but as they tell me where their family come from and what happened to them, I understand family is the family that stands by you.

Avon takes a turn in my overgrown front yard and Shirlene whispers incomprehensibly about periods. I tell her why she might be having trouble but she guzzles the wine anxiously.

'Geez! You starting to freak me out sista.' So I shut up before Avon comes back to re-fill the cups.

'Don't tell anyone coz it gives me pain you know?'

I promise not to. She is a woman in a suburban landscape but no matter whether she lived up north with relatives or down here, she has had her fill of violence, abuse, enough alcohol to rot her insides and terrible, terrible mournful loss.

I imagine me, a white middle class woman acting like I've got an idea but I don't. Everyday, I'm trying to find solutions for people in my life but that formula will never work with Shirlene. I know she's strong. She wouldn't be sitting on my verandah after everything she's been through if she wasn't. When she was younger her mans repeatedly kicked her in the stomach while she was five months pregnant. She takes another drink, shivers and the tears well up as she relives the moment of delivering dead twins. Lying on the kitchen floor while he went out drinking with his mates.

'Doesn't that make you angry Avon? What did your family do?' She lowers her head. Nobody speaks. I can see she is grateful that he accompanies her everywhere because she is too afraid to be on the street by herself now and my direct question is something she can't possibly address. He replies,

'I look after her. I always will.' She smiles fondly at him then and agrees that he's been good to her.

I tell them I'm sorry. Sorry for what happened to her. Sorry for them being stolen from their families as kids. In those days, they had nothing but happy memories before the security of family was ripped from them in the most callous way possible. Then Avon tells me about the homes he was put into, how he lost his sister as part of the stolen generation. He boasts that he got to meet the Queen years ago when he lived down South.

More smokes do the rounds. Avon pours Shirlene and himself another drink. I mention the death of my Father. Avon tells me his Father waited for him to come home before he died. I heard about Fathers clinging on till the son arrived so they could pass on. His Mother collapsed in the kitchen from a massive heart attack and died right there in his arms. He received government reparation on Sorry Day and the first thing he did was buy his parents a headstone each.

'I did that for them. They deserved respect.' I agree but my sentiments don't come close to what it must have meant for him to pay that sort of homage to his family.

The rest of the cash went on booze and a couple of ounces of dope till finally he was back on Centrelink waiting for his fortnightly payment so he could carry on drinking.

Shirlene tells me a brutal horror that recently happened but she can't speak about it too loudly. She doesn't want Avon to hear. Her mother is mad about what happened but the Police have never pressed charges, even though a gun was held to her head after the event.

'He was a white c unt. I know where he lives but I dunno who can help.'

Shirlene doesn't ask for help in the way I expect people to. That's my shortcoming in understanding cultural differences. There aren't enough Indigenous services or resources to get people to unfold their history and do anything about it.

Elizabeth II is in town again and the council have spread wooden chests like the Endeavour shipped on that historic twelve thousand mile journey. They're artistically displayed all around the galleries filled with 17th and 18th century artwork from England. All week I've watched council workers shovel in red earth then stick in some native plants. The insides of the chest lids have Indigenous dot paintings. Each one is supposed to tell a story but more likely some art graduates have been paid mega bucks to make similar patterns so the Queen can think Australians are all one people.

Everyone is hurting. Not just Shirlene but a whole population trapped in relentless displacement. How can they help each other through the haze of cheap wine? I feel powerless to help as well, or maybe it's just too hard and like most people I ask, 'What the hell can I do?' then ponder what I feel like cooking for dinner that night.

I recall all that is required for evil to thrive is for good people to do nothing. There isn't a real answer to that either. You see, we all think we're good people in the first place. So I laugh along with them, tell Shirlene she's a good woman but it probably isn't going to change anything. Is being her friend enough?

With each cup of moselle, Shirlene's speech gets more fragmented. She starts to forget my name and her broken, rotting teeth combined with a fried brain makes it difficult to get any story she'd ever tell me out. Especially the pain that eats away at her insides. I reckon that is what is killing her more than the wine. I want to listen but I feel as genuine as every one of those hypocritical colonial chests in the city.

So we manage to go back to laughing about everyday stuff. She tells me I've been good to her but I've done nothing to deserve it. My naive question about whether she is getting counselling for her trauma seems so pathetic. Who will she talk to? Shirlene isn't going to sit in some sterile room while a psychologist takes notes and then tries to tackle the issue of chronic alcoholism. She wouldn't tell her story to those peoples anyway. Far better to sit among the people who know and share a kindred spirit, passing the moselle round. Even if woman's business remains woman's business and men's business remains men's business, Shirlene and Avon possess a unique knowledge. They have never forgotten their roots or the stories handed down through the generations and of that, I'm almost envious.

I give them the last of my smokes and she hugs me before Avon holds her hand so she doesn't fall down my steps.

I owe Shirlene and Avon this story. If they can't tell it, then a ten pound pom will. But this is the shallowest of narrations because I know the real story belongs only to them. For now, it's the best I can do for two people who, as children bounded across the hot northern plains like kangaroos yet today they can barely keep their balance as they lean on each other to make the long distance home - wherever that home might be.

I'm sorry. Real sorry. I mean it.

As the sun sets, I wonder idly what jackass came up with the idea for Sorry Day.

cafolini
10-27-2011, 06:30 PM
Shirlene staggers off the bus on Wednesday while I drink coffee on my verandah. She's 34 and as skinny as anyone I've seen. Her drinking buddy is an older man called Avon.

'I was named after the river.' The river is turbulent and every year, budding canoeists try to make the descent safely to win some grand monetary prize.

Together they travel on the buses toting their green shoping bag which contains 4 litres of the cheapest moselle you can buy. I wave to her. Ever since my friend and I stopped some drunk bastard from punching her up at the bus stop last year, she has always called me 'sista'. It's actually a compliment, like I've become part of her family and she hugs me each time our paths cross.

You'd think that in the light of day, she would be more lucid. I don't know why I expect that. People get together with mates to unwind at night and in the day, they either work or maybe even have a couple of little mouths to feed but the reality is, we don't all share the same existence. For some its about survival. Shirlene is a survivor, no matter what anyone else says about her.

'hey my sista. how are going?'

'I'm ok. What about you Shirlene? What's happening.'

She takes a seat and asks if she can steal a couple of smokes. Go for it I say. I need to kick the habit anyway. Avon sits on the stoop staring toward the road with his one good eye, like an aging watchdog. The other one is gooey and the pupil is off centre. I can never be sure if he's looking directly at me on the few occasions he talks.

Anyway, with a smoke each, they take out the moselle. Avon fills an small coffee jar with the stuff but gives the tupperware container to Shirlene. He sways and I notice his hands shake chronically but he manages to get most of the wine in. I joke and tell him to be careful and he tells me he is immune to the stuff now like it is just a plain fact. Facts are relative but he believes it and after a few drags and a drink, he tells me the only thing he gets now is blackouts.

'Don't you fall off my bloody stoop then!' Shirlene laughs when he says it's ok coz there's nothing but grass to land on.

'He'll be alright. You know he always makes sure I got a drink first eh.'

Avon looks up, with a certain amount of pride.

'I do too. I always make sure Shirlene has a cup.'

We talk general stuff first. The weather. Cloudy one day, shiny the next. Her words are slurred but not just from alcohol. Despite her young age, her top teeth have pretty much rotted till all that is left is grey black bone at the top of her gums. She has a really bad lisp as you can imagine. I ask about her family.

'Theys ok.' I hear about some uncles, second cousins, her mother who is not really her mother but she's always been like one to her. She struggles to remember some of their names but I know I'll never join the dots in a million years.

I offer to get a couple of plastic cups and joke to Avon that no matter how much he drinks, he deserves more than a coffee jar. Shirlene laughs at him and says he takes it everywhere coz he's real good to her with the tupperware container.

At the lowest point of chronic alcholism, he's still a gentleman and makes sure Shirlene doesn't go without.

I tell them about my experience with moselle. Once I drank so much of it, I passed out vomitting with my head in the toilet and swore I'd never drink it again. With two new plastic cups, they're looking a bit better but Shirlene has had a hard year of it. I know it and for selfish moment, I thank God I have never travelled her path

There's such a thing as womans business and I know she wants to tell me something but Avon is there, his presence making her feel safe but also keeping her silent.

'I don't go nowhere without him.'

I think he is her uncle but as they tell me about where their family come from and what happened to them, I realise it doesn't matter. Family is the family that stands by you.

Avon takes a turn in my overgrown front yard and Shirlene whispers incomprehensibly about periods. I tell her why she might be having trouble but she guzzles down the wine.

'You starting to freak me out sista.' So I shut up before Avon comes back.

'Don't tell anyone coz it gives me pain you know?'

I promise not to. She is a woman in a suburban landscape who, no matter whether she lived up north with relatives or down here, has had her fill of violence, abuse, enough alcohol to rot her insides and terrible, terrible mournful loss.

I imagine me, a white middle class woman acting like I've got an idea but I don't. Everyday, I'm trying to find solutions for people but that stuff has no meaning to Shirlene. I know she's strong. She wouldn't be sitting on my verandah after everything she's been through if she wasn't. When she was younger her mans repeatedly kicked her in the stomach while she was five months pregnant. She takes another drink, shivers and the tears well up as she relives the moment of delivering dead twins. Lying on the kitchen floor while he went out to drink with his mates.

'Doesn't that make you angry Avon? What did your family do?' She lowers her head. I can see she is grateful that he accompanies everywhere because she is too afraid to be on the street by herself and my direct question is something she can't address. He replies,

'I look after her. I always will.' She smiles fondly at him then and agrees that he he's been good to her.

I tell them I'm real sorry. Sorry for what happened to her. Sorry for them being stolen from their families as kids. In those days, she has nothing but happy memories before that security was ripped from underneath her. Then Avon tells me about the homes he was put into, how he lost his sister as part of the stolen generation and he got to meet the queen once down South.

More smokes do the rounds. Avon pours Shirlene and himself another drink. His father waited for him to come home before he died. His mother collapsed in the kitchen from a massive heart attack and died right there in his arms. He got government reparation on Sorry day and the first thing he did was buy his parents a headstone each.

'I did that for them. They deserved respect.' I agree but my sentiments don't come close to what it meant for him to do that.

The rest of the cash went on booze and a couple of ounces of dope till finally he was back on Centrelink waiting for his fortnightly payment so he could carry on drinking.

Shirlene tells me a brutal horror that recently happened but she can't speak loud enough. She doesn't want Avon to hear. Her mother is mad about what happened to her but the Police have never pressed charges, even though a gun was held to her head after the event.

'He was a white c unt. I know where he lives but I dunno who can help.' Shirlene doesn't really know how to ask for help. There isn't enough Indigenous services or resources to get people to unfold their history and do anything about it. Elizabeth II is in town again and the council filled wooden boxes similar to what the Endeavour would have used with native plants. The insides of the lids are painted in Indigenous art but more likely some graduate from university was paid mega bucks to imitate the art so the Queen can think we're all one people.

Everyone is hurting. Not just Shirlene but with their own pain and relentless displacement. How can they help each other through the haze of cheap wine? I'm powerless do help, thinking recalling all that is required for evil to thrive is for good people to do nothing. There isn't a real answer to that either. You see, we all think we're good and that's the end of the matter.

With each cup of moselle, Shirlene's speech gets more fragmented. She starts to forget my name and her broken, rotting teeth combined with a fried brain makes it difficult to get any story she'd ever tell me out. Especially the pain that eats away at her insides. I reckon that is what is killing her more than the wine. I want to hear but this stuff won't spill out into a colonial box.

So we manage to go back to laughing about everyday stuff. She tells me I've been good to her but I've done nothing to deserve it. My naive question about whether she is getting counselling for her trauma seems so pathetic. Who will she talk to? Shirlene isn't going to sit in some sterile room while a pschologist takes notes and then tries to tackle the issue of chronic alcoholism. She wouldn't tell her story to those peoples anyway. Far better to sit among the people who know and share a kindred spirit - even if womans business remains womans business and mens business remains mens business. They still know. They have never forgotten their roots or the stories handed down through the generations and of that, I'm almost envious.

I give them the last of my smokes and she gives me another hug before leaning on Avon to walk her up the alleyway.

Alone with my thoughts, I realise that saying sorry will never be enough and wonder idly what jackass came up with that idea.

When I was a youth, I used to be naive about this stuff. So I spoke as an equal, which made matters worse. Poverty has no redemption except in madness. Very good write.

Hawkman
10-27-2011, 06:30 PM
This is compulsive reading, Delta, and it has an uncomfortable ring of truth about it; whether an actual truth or a generic one makes no difference. Your writing is getting stronger in my opinion. It deserves a wider audience, but don't forget to proof read ;)

Live and be well - H

Delta40
10-27-2011, 06:55 PM
Thanks Hawk. I've just gone over it again and did some more editing and corrected the mistakes I spotted. It reads a little better now.

Cafolini - thanks for the compliment. I'm not sure about this statement: When I was a youth, I used to be naive about this stuff. So I spoke as an equal, which made matters worse. Poverty has no redemption except in madness.

cafolini
10-27-2011, 07:52 PM
Well, that's the message that comes through in the way Shirlene and Avon carry on. Poverty in most respects is one of the worst possible situations. It has to be eliminated. If you didn't suffer it as a child, it takes a long time to entertain the ideas that go with it. The psychological damage is chronic.

Delta40
10-27-2011, 07:58 PM
Interesting point. Do you think it's realistic or even reasonable that poverty can be eliminated?

cafolini
10-27-2011, 08:45 PM
Absolutely. It will be eliminated with technology and goodwill. Poverty today is a small percentage of what it was in the first half of the 20th century. There is a lot more hope and that's the fuel needed at the level of the poor. There is a lot more help from men to men and increasing. And there are also a few mongers predicting the worst but they are in a museum that no longer has any lasting validity where the thorough action is.
Reason is obsolete. Crocodiles have reason, just as well as chimps. Reason is the entanglement. It is as much of the healthy as it is of the insane. It is an Aristotelian meal leftover and gone bad.

Delta40
10-27-2011, 09:15 PM
Well you certainly have a positive view. Capitalism is dependent on perpetual poverty in my view, especially when I show everyone my brand new Reeboks. Thank the Lord for sweat shops and child labour so we don't pay even more than we already do!

hillwalker
10-28-2011, 08:03 AM
Right from the onset you set the scene with the narrator observing a pair of down and outs getting off the bus… all fine so far.

Personally I’d have opened with ‘While I drink coffee on my verandah I watch…’. You’re telling the story from your perspective so it’s important we know this right from the start. And the way you present the facts here it’s like the stepping off the bus and the coffee drinking are merely linked temporally rather than spatially. Does that make sense? Because the way I read it you could have been 1000 miles away from the bus stop – the two events just happened to coincide in time - but of course, we soon realise that’s not the case.

Also the paragraph that followed seemed to take us on an even wider detour.
We’re given a line of dialogue - Avon explaining how he got his name (to the narrator presumably - sometime during the past). It’s an excellent device to bring the story to immediate life. But then the narrator evolves from a coffee drinking observer into some omniscient author. Giving us irrelevant geographical detail about the river itself is nothing short of authorial intrusion and it felt a little off to me.
If you want to include this information it might be better having Avon himself add a detail or two – bragging how no canoeists ever make it down in one piece possibly. Something that makes him feel the name has a certain kudos.

2 paragraphs in and I’m already shooting holes in your piece…

But then you get back on track. Personally I always find the opening of a story the most difficult to get right and I often finish up discarding the first few sentences.

A couple of other minor points as I’m reading through it –

spending time with relatives…

I’d have chosen an expression that shows us a little more of how this works. ‘invading their relatives’ space’ or something along those lines that suggests it’s an imposition and possibly an embarrassment rather than just a cosy get-together.
This becomes even more likely as the story unfolds so a little foreshadowing does no harm.

Facts are relative but he believes it…

whose voice is this – is it the narrator’s or the omniscient author again? If you could expand very slightly on this concept and reaffirm it’s the ‘sistah’ speaking it would be more in keeping with her role as their unofficial support network/confidante/whatever.

He's got pride as he battles his way through life.

you need to show us how you know this to be so. Even if it’s only pride in the way he pours a glass of wine.

She struggles to remember some of their names but I know I'll never join the dots in a million years so it doesn't matter.

I liked this.

There's such a thing as woman's business and I know she wants to tell me something…

at which point you need to tell us how you know. Let the reader in on the secret to the exclusion of Avon. In this way we become part of the story which of course is the whole point of telling it in the first place. Perhaps it’s the way her eyes shift to one side or the way her breath becomes laboured. Only you know. So tell us.

I understand family is the family that stands by you.

again, great stuff.

I imagine me, a white middle class woman acting like I've got an idea but I don't.

is a little more difficult to follow. Do you imagine her seeing you as a white middle class woman, etc. etc., or are you imagining you as a white middle class woman who should have some idea (about how life’s supposed to work) but in reality don’t.

Sorry for them being stolen from their families as kids.

this appears from left field as they say. I’d suggest you introduce it earlier into the plot and a little less directly. Otherwise it looks like some additional bit of grief you just thought of to make their misery even more gut-wrenching.

He boasts that he got to meet the Queen years ago when he lived down South.

nice ironic touch – but tell us how he felt when he got to meet her. Probably as pleased as Punch.

The episode with the gun held to Shirlene’s head? Not sure it’s necessary to mention it – we’re getting to the stage of becoming desensitised to this pair’s misfortunes which is the last thing you want your readers to feel.

I can see the back-story behind this more clearly as you reveal more – Sorry Day – two cultures that can never combine adequately – the sense of ‘us and them’. So I found the reference to the royal visit and the hypocrisy that goes with all the preparations relevant – but it’s laid on rather too thickly and awkwardly. We’re no longer being treated as a casual eavesdropper on your story. We’re being given a lecture – which I’m not sure was your intention. Possibly room for more subtlety again and refocusing on the two main character?

And of course you’ve missed your cue when Avon tells you he once met the queen. That’s probably the best place to reveal the dichotomy between what is being displayed by Australian ‘society’ as racial harmony and what really lies hidden below the surface.

You do get back on track again once you retrace your steps to the verandah. And I like the way the last 3 paragraphs tell it like it is – a fitting tribute indeed.

Oh, and you might want to capitalise Moselle.

Overall a great piece of writing – powerful and thought-provoking. Good luck with wherever this story takes you.

H

PoetTree
10-28-2011, 10:25 AM
Being from the States, I have no idea what "Sorry Day" is, but the writing gave me enough clues to speculate. I found the narration rather... cool. It's so factual that I don't feel any sympathy or empathy for the characters. At the end you say you WANT it to be the shallowest of narrations, but by definition, "shallow" tends to sell a story short. I can SEE this scene, absolutely, but I don't FEEL it.

The title is a little ho-hum. Perhaps "Sorry Day" would be more intriguing. This story is going to be a good jumping-off point for a lot of ethical and philosophical debate. (Is the narrator helping these two, or is she enabling? What CAN be done? How responsible are Shirlene and Avon for the situation they're in? Should the government support individuals who can't work because of drug addiction?)

Good for you for tackling the subject!

Delta40
10-28-2011, 05:07 PM
Edited comment.

Thanks Hill - very valuable input.

Poetree - if you read my response to your comment, apologies. I'll PM you anyway.

Steven Hunley
10-30-2011, 06:48 PM
This is a powerful piece. Here in the States our indigenous people suffer much the same fate, displacement and alchoholism. And in a similar way to the narrator in your story, we feel helpless. This could have been written, with a change of a few words and setting, to many other places on the globe.

Your production of stories, and quality of writing, and your concerns in subject matter, make me jealous as all get-out. Don't pull a Maupassant on us now. (in like lightning and out like a comet)

Long life and good writing to you. You only get better.

Delta40
10-30-2011, 06:52 PM
Thanks Steve. You're probably right about how the geography could be anywhere with a few changes. I've yet to edit it and take my voice out of it but it's been ONE of those weekends!

kangels4ever
11-03-2011, 11:16 PM
Reading this was a nice break from the project I've been slaving over here the past few weeks.

I only saw one probable "soft spot" in this, Delta:

"When she was younger her mans repeatedly kicked her in the stomach while she was five months pregnant."

Is "mans" slang or did it mean to say "man"?

I would like to compliment you on a story that, when I got to the end, made me think "Forget J.D. Salinger." Your story may seem like a fictional character's essay on life, but there is plenty of "show, don't tell" it leaves a reader curious from start to finish.

Also, was this inspired by the Queen's trip to Australia? Nice touch.
Your character Shirlene reminds me of another fictional Aussie woman: Moria Davison from Nevil Shute's haunting On The Beach, because of her fondness for drink and conversation. At least whatever troubles she and Avon face are not the ramifications stemming from end of the world like poor Moira had to cope with. In fact, speaking of Shute, your writing style is somewhat like his in it weaves dialog and narration together in a "show, don't tell" way.

Delta40
11-04-2011, 12:34 AM
Gosh thanks Kangel. I'll PM you when I have edited it.

mans is slang and yes it was written in response to the Queen's recent visit.

kangels4ever
11-07-2011, 03:38 PM
You mention this aspect of the Queen's visit in your current draft:

"Elizabeth II is in town again and the council have spread wooden chests like the Endeavour shipped on that historic twelve thousand mile journey. They're artistically displayed all around the galleries filled with 17th and 18th century artwork from England. All week I've watched council workers shovel in red earth then stick in some native plants. The insides of the chest lids have Indigenous dot paintings. Each one is supposed to tell a story but more likely some art graduates have been paid mega bucks to make similar patterns so the Queen can think Australians are all one people."

In my opinion, perhaps a little more "show" would pay good dividends here. How exactly are the dots in the "Indigenous paintings" arranged? What do they look like?
And what do the native plants stuck into the red earth look like? Are they grotesque or pretty or a mix of both?

kangels4ever
11-07-2011, 03:53 PM
One more thing: Hillwalker was on to something regarding Avon and his meeting the queen. However, instead of just telling how it made him feel, why not change:

"He boasts that he got to meet the Queen years ago when he lived down South."

to go something like this:

"He mentioned the Queen's visit and boasted yet again of his life's greatest feat. 'I'll never forget when she visited down south years ago. There was a reception line for commonors and I offered her my hand when it was my turn. Me, a down at the heel peasant shaking hands with the Queen!' He laughed as he poured another round for him and Shirlene."

This might pay some "show, don't tell" dividends.

kangels4ever
11-09-2011, 12:11 AM
One more idea: it might sketch Avon out a little more in that his meeting the Queen was the only big event of his life, which is why he likes to boast about it.

Delta40
11-09-2011, 12:49 AM
Thanks for the tips Kangels