Gray walls

[Kyriakos]

The following is my own translation of a short story i like. As a translator i am not that great, and as i have written before it is not that good an idea to translate to a language which is not your own. But i tried my best to salvage the original tone of the story in my re-writing of it.

I hope you will find it interesting. Comments are welcome :)

Gray walls

It was a noon of the middle of summer, something of importance since the hot Sun gave the opportunity to the staff but also the patients to have a walk at the great yard of the public mental health hospital.I arrived on time so as to meet with one of the doctors, who I knew from days of old. The occasion for my visit was the distinction awarded to one of my stories, which I had promised to read to him personally, as I used to do in the past when we met.
My acquaintance, who worked there, gave me a tour of the spaces of his office but also of the ones open to public in the department in which he is the head since a short time now. “All the walls here are gray” he said.
At some moment, as we were for a while in his spacious office, sat comfortably in our armchairs and having each lit a cigar, my acquaintance, having just recalled something of significance, told me that I have to see one more location.
I accepted, only was saddened a little that I should now rise from such a nice environment, and also to extinguish my cigar, but in a while we were in the corridors and walked, my acquaintance in front of me, and I at the back.
For some time we were walking in corridors which in canonical distances were being separated from doors with diaphanous glass in their upper part, whereas other doors to the sides of us, not diaphanous, were leading to unknown for me places. At last we reached the end of the floor. My acquaintance opened the final door, which also was not diaphanous and thus I had guessed that it would be the door to a room and not one behind which there existed the continuation of the corridor, stood in front of it, told me “please, go on”, and as I went inside the empty white room he closed the door abruptly and locked it.

Since that time I am here. From the window I gaze at the yard, below, sometimes I shout but no one seems to listen to me. It has even happened that I would deem that one had heard- something perhaps not so easy thirty meters below, but I yelled with all my power- a group of patients which must have belonged to the persons with mental disability raised their heads and seemed to look at me, something which made me, unwillingly, cry.
I am thinking of the betrayal by my acquaintance. To have locked me here, where there exists nothing. Or rather at first I thought there existed nothing, since at some moment – I thought I was becoming crazy- I noticed a protrusion, white as well, on the floor, and I neared it so as to ensure myself that it was merely a delusion. But it was not- It was a small white piece of chalk!

From that time I am looking at the chalk, and the walls, with a horrible speculation. From that time I have moved away from the walls, I stay at the window, holding the chalk in my hand which I stretch outside, towards the powerful Sun. Should I let it fall?
And a thought devours me. That the walls outside of this cell were all one color. That if I neared perhaps the walls of the cell, if, against all hope, I dared scratch a bit onto them with my hand, the color of the used-up and existent everywhere chalk would diminish, and then I would be forced to walk more carefully, the endless series of letters, and then – how much do I fear it! – to find scribbled between other ones also this story which I am now narrating to myself.

[hillwalker]

It's an interesting story but it's difficult to see beyond the obvious fact that English is not your mother tongue. There are many awkward turns of phrase and idiomatic slip-ups that unfortunately make the exercise unsuccessful.

One example that stands out since you use the word 3 times - 'diaphonous' - I'm assuming you meant 'transparent' (which would fit in the context of glass doors).
'diaphonous' is altogether more suggestive of allure, mystery or enchantment - it is often used to describe ladies' under-garments or night-wear for instance that leave little to the imagination.

H

[Kyriakos]

Yes, it is hard to translate into a foreign language and in official translations it is always avoided at all costs (with good reason) ;)

Did you like the story? It is one of my shortest pieces. I sent it to some magazines as well. Sometimes my work gets published in printed magazines, i hope this will be too...

[hillwalker]

The story in terms of plot is fine - not amazingly original but quirky all the same - but obviously a word-for-word translation into an unfamiliar language (which is the way this reads unfortunately) conveys none of the literary merit of the piece as a whole

Good luck with getting it published though.

H

[Kyriakos]

Not really an unfamiliar language for me in the way Greek is unknown to you for example, but surely it is hard to translate into a language that is not one's own ;)

[hillwalker]

It's as difficult as writing something original in a language which is not your own. But when you are also translating between languages there is the danger that an idiomatic phrase in one language is untranslatable into a different language without the sense being lost. This is where you need to be fluent in both langiages - mastering one but not the other will result in the finished piece being almost incomprehensible.

e.g. from the opening four words of the piece you advertise the fact that English is your second language and one you are not wholly familiar with.

It was a noon of the middle of summer, something of importance since the hot Sun gave the opportunity...

'It was a noon' should be 'It was noon' since 'noon' means 12.00 midday. No one would ever say 'it was a twelve o'clock'

and 'of the middle of summer' should be 'in the middle of summer' - noon is the middle of the day not the middle of the season,

and 'something of importance...' - I'm unable to figure out what this phrase is supposed to refer to in this context... presumably the word 'significantly' is what is intended.

I get the impression this particular 'noon' on this particular day in mid-summer is significant - because the sunshine allows everyone at the institution to wander putside - but the structure of the sentence doesn't make this clear.

H