The Traveller's Secret - v1

[con202]

V2 LOWER DOWN

Hi all, this is my second story to be posted on here, and a much more recent one, so recent in fact it's not finished yet (technically). Well anyways, this is another "essay" for a new folio to be done this year (Intermediate 2 English - pain :( ) I'm quite happy by how it turned out, I ended up dedicating it to my girlfriend (Not that my teacher knows that, but it is ;) )

It's not "technically" finished as my teacher thinks the ending is cliche and not dramatic enough, no twist she says, and I agree really, but I still do like the "original" ending. I'll be posting the new ending when it's done and handed in.

I hope you all enjoy this one, as always I'm looking for constructive critisicm! That would help alot! :) Thanks!

The Traveller's Secret

They had the most wonderful life, him and her. A promise of the amazing sights of the world, surroundings changing frequently. Excitement as they hurried to their next destination, forgetting about everything that was left behind. Sheer adrenaline of the chance of getting caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was enough for both of them to keep going. Keep onwards to new lives. Up until now, she had never even questioned their mysterious situation. Why exactly did they have to keep running? Questions like this were always quickly erased from her mind. The next adventure was waiting, as soon as she had the time, they were off. It really had been a crazy year. A man claiming to know everything suddenly strolls into the room then without a second thought she had agreed to go with him. Not even to anywhere special, just on a somewhat endless journey across the face of the planet! To her, he was amazing. It wasn't long before their ever so slightly rushed friendship had transformed into something more... At least, at first it seemed like that. You see, their travels, while still as spectacular as ever, had changed. Though not in a good way. She wasn't sure what it was, or exactly why, the only thing she knew was...

He had changed.

Everything was in slow motion now, compared to their usual fast forward life. Their last “home” - Egypt – was as close to settling than they ever were. They had spent 4 months living there in total. They were finally happy. Thoughts of starting a family filled her with joy and love, and then the thought of spending a whole lifetime with this man was starting to look real! Yet one day, it all fell to ashes. A fire destroyed it all and before it had even settled, they ran. Ran further and faster than ever before. He became shut, not a word leaving his mouth unless she asked a question, though even then the answer was blunt. Unlike before where she was reassured everything was going to be okay there was no comforting. Something was badly wrong.

She was told it was merely an accident. That the fire was the result of a faulty cooling unit and the beating sun heating the wood of the house to burning point. But even when promised that this is all there was, it wasn't hard to see in his eyes that there was something more. Something terrible behind the lines. Today is the day she will find out what that was, the truth behind the running, the mysterious traveller's secret...

A seemingly normal day, for them at least. Right now they were halfway across Europe in the only other possession they had except the clothes on their backs. A rusty old pick up truck. He had made no mention of where they were going, although judging by the slow passings of Turkey, Italy and now head first into France she guessed it was back to Britain. Back “home”. That word didn't mean anything to her now. Home. For her, there was never a clear outline, what was home? A place to stay or a place to live? Her mind wondered whether he had forgotten, whether he had even knew at all. She let her head lay on the soft yet tattered rest on the back of the seat. Gradually she let her eyes droop and close. Into the land of dreams, a better world. Where no worries or pain can be found. Though it was never to last.

“Wake up my darling, we are here”
She breathed sharply. Shot up from the seat. Calming again, the nightmares came and went once more. That warm, soft voice brought her back to reality. It was a voice she hadn't heard for a while, the voice she fell for.
“I'm afraid we were a little longer than expected” he explained “But I decided a short de-tour wouldn't do us any harm”.
Her eyes glanced forward, there in front of her a sight to behold. The beautiful French countryside sprawling far onwards in the twilight, the mountains dominating the edge of the horizon. It could all be seen from the top of that small country road. Despite the wonderful sights they had shared, this was by far the most astonishing. The moon at peak high above and the trickle of first sunlight creeping into view. Not a sound could be heard, a perfect night.
“I figured where else would be better to talk than in one of the most beautiful places in the world” he gestured toward the windscreen “just magical isn't it?” he smiled and turned to her, this time she didn't share his enthusiasm.
“So now you wanna talk?” she murmured, the atmosphere turned sour. He knew when he had to be serious.
“I'm sorry” he began “I...”
“You haven't even looked at me in days” she interrupted “If there's something wrong I want to know, I need to know” she never broke his sight, her eyes began to swell.
“I know” he started again “I know that I should have told you long before now, and I know that it may be hard to understand but all I ask is that you know this is what I have to do...” he watched the sunrise, trying to unlock the words trapped in his heart and morph them into sentences.
“Wha... what are you talking about?” she shook her head “Tell me what!?” she grasped his arm and held it tight, tears streamed down her face. The thing she wished for more in the entire world was for this moment to never arise. The moment in which it would all truly make sense. The moment in which the doubts became real. The truth had surfaced...

“I'm an outlaw” he hopelessly admitted. “A wanted outlaw” he added, a deep sigh escaped him “I didn't plan it. It was a stupid mistake in my time and I have ran away from it like a coward my entire life, running and running from a foolish teenage blunder” he reminisced “but now... now it's time for me to stop” he embraced her, reaching out his hand to gently hold her face.
“Oh Catherine my dear” he swallowed hard, it was more painful than he anticipated. “It got so complicated oh so very quickly and then you. You appeared out of nowhere like a guardian angel, bright green eyes glowing, watching over me.” she smiled, one of remembrance, her eyes still flooding with tears.
“You saved me” he continued, with each breath it became harder to speak “Saved me from the life I led, saved me from myself. I could only imagine the dark pit I would've landed in if it wasn't for you” he couldn't fight it any longer, a quiet tear was shed.
“But now I must pay the price for my actions. They have found me” he gazed down in sadness. Catherine heaved all that was left in her to whisper “Who?”.
“A very very powerful group of people, and they will stop at nothing to capture me” Catherine saw this once amazing, proud man now sit, vulnerable, scared to even think of the horror he knew he would face.
“I am not going to let them find you” he leaned closer, pressing his head against Catherine's, “especially now...” he moved his hand to hold her stomach. She was going to surprise him with the news the day it all burned to ashes. He whispered gently:

“I have to go”

Catherine closed the journal. Wiped away the tears shed and placed the book back into a small shoebox. She peered up to see two children sitting at the end of her bed, her grandchildren.
“I never saw him again” she sighed, “he told me not to come looking for him, despite how hard it would be not to. And so I came back here to our little village, the cottage was exactly how I left it.” she glanced around, smiling at the new, long never thought of memories. “Soon your mother came along and I settled, happier than I ever was before” she saw in both her grandchildren's faces, questions were swimming frantically in their minds.
“But...but...” the girl started
“Now now Jane, it's a little late, I think we all need to rest” she halted the girl's train of thought, “Now go on, bed” she waved towards the door.
“Ohhh okay” Jane reluctantly agreed, she headed for the door making sure her younger brother soon followed.
“But Gran” the little boy spun away from Jane “did you ever go looking for him?”
“Yes” Catherine answered “But there's time for questions later” she chuckled “goodnight Chris”
“Night Gran” he replied, closing the door behind him. Catherine once again fished into the shoebox, glancing around the room to make sure no one was spying. She grabbed hold of a small envelope, addressed to her, containing a small note dated 1969, three years after their adventures. Once again, she read the note:

I write to you now as a changed man. It seems so long ago we were last together, a lifetime. I miss you. But my struggle continues. I'm afraid that this may be the only time I might be able to write. How hard it is to express things in words. I just want you to know that my heart still yearns for our times, but this world, despite how wonderful it is, is dangerous. I know you will make the right decisions. I'm sorry that you can't reply, but I hope everything is well with you and our baby, make sure he/she grows up to be everything they can. I wish you a wonderful life. All my love. Chris

She held the note close, glowing with the love of his words, and closed her eyes...

Well, that's it :) Thanks for reading! I'll add the new ending ASAP!

[Delta40]

First of all, before I read the story (which will have to be later because I don't think I will give it the justice it may well deserve. My point is this:

You spent time prefacing your work and giving the reader a background which is IMHO completely unecessary. Trust to the story itself and allow the reader to draw their own interpretation from it and even contextualize it in a way that fits with them if that makes sense. In my experience, intros and explanations do little to add to the story itself. Just a tip for a budding writer. You don't need to explain and I promise to review the story when I'm in a better frame of mind.

In the meantime - write, write and write again! There are some excellent critques on Lit-Net who give extremely valuable feedback on stories and offer practical advice and tips and I look forward to their response on your story.

If you haven't already been welcomed - then welcome to Lit-Net!

[con202]

First of all, before I read the story (which will have to be later because I don't think I will give it the justice it may well deserve. My point is this:

You spent time prefacing your work and giving the reader a background which is IMHO completely unecessary. Trust to the story itself and allow the reader to draw their own interpretation from it and even contextualize it in a way that fits with them if that makes sense. In my experience, intros and explanations do little to add to the story itself. Just a tip for a budding writer. You don't need to explain and I promise to review the story when I'm in a better frame of mind.

In the meantime - write, write and write again! There are some excellent critques on Lit-Net who give extremely valuable feedback on stories and offer practical advice and tips and I look forward to their response on your story.

If you haven't already been welcomed - then welcome to Lit-Net!

Hmm, I like to think of it as something similar to the small speach usually given before movies at film festivals or premiers, just something to understand where it came from. But I can understand your point :)

Thanks for the welcome!

[Delta40]

Hmm, I like to think of it as something similar to the small speach usually given before movies at film festivals or premiers, just something to understand where it came from. But I can understand your point :)

Thanks for the welcome!

You are most welcome Con202. I guess the reason I respond to intros and prefaces is because some poets or writers lack a degree of faith in their own talent and sometimes this is revealed tacitly in in between the lines - especially when a vote is called for. You honestly don't need to do that here. Post your story, hang out it for all to read and take stock of the replies. After all, you can only please some of the people some of the time!

[hillwalker]

Delta is absolutely right with her comments regarding preambles, prologues, etc. I’m always highly suspicious of anyone who feels the need to prepare the reader for what is to follow. It’s usually a sign of desperation, or lack of confidence in what is to follow. If the piece is good enough it will be able to stand on its own two feet without any introduction.

So anyway, that’s my preamble out of the way. As for the story itself – well. I'm probably going to upset you more than your teacher has.

Paragraph one sets the scene – two people thrown together by fate perhaps and now on an endless journey. We get a sense of the unknown that is presumably intended to pique our interest but I think it could have been done so much better.

I found it impossible to engage with either of the two characters because you don’t reveal very much about them. Instead we get smothered in literary marshmallow. You reveal how ‘wonderful’ life was, filled with ‘amazing sights’, ‘sheer adrenaline’, ‘a crazy year’, ‘he was amazing’, ‘as spectacular as ever’. One begins to feel a gag reflex coming on. There’s far too much over-the-top description - yet you have told us nothing whatsoever about this pair or their ‘mysterious journey’. It’s as if the author knows what’s going on but doesn’t feel the need to share this information with the reader. You're too busy trying to dazzle us with superlatives. But it doesn’t work - the reader, feeling left out, rapidly loses interest.

Using words like ‘amazing’ and ‘wonderful’ generally have the opposite effect unless you can show how they were amazing or wonderful. Your idea of ‘amazing’ could be quite different to mine. That’s what the old cliché ‘show don’t tell’ means. Telling someone that something is ’wonderful’ is rather pointless when it comes to story-telling unless you can qualify the statement by explaining in what way it was wonderful.

As for the absurd plot – I don’t think even you know what’s supposed to be going on. The Egypt episode appears from nowhere – but again nothing very much happens there. It was at this point that I realised you don’t really have a grasp on your plot or your characters.
Their behaviour doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to picture someone living such a vibrant, unpredictable lifestyle having thoughts of settling down into domestic bliss.
– who are this couple?
- what are their hopes and ambitions?
- and why is the girl allowing herself to be dragged around the planet if all she really wants is to start a family?
On the basis of what you have written so far you don’t actually believe this couple are real so how can you expect your readers to believe in them or care what happens to them?

And the story seems to be precariously balanced between a mundane love story and some sinister supernatural mystery. The problem is the way it’s written I tend to think it’s more of the former than the latter. You bolt on bits of ‘twilight zone’ chicanery here and there to pep up the plot and keep us expecting something bad to happen. But it never does, and mixing the two genres so awkwardly just doesn’t work I’m afraid.

Then we continue the journey back to Britain (?) – again relying on slush to keep us interested. ‘…the land of dreams, a better world. Where no worries or pain can be found….’ followed by another teaser ‘Though it was never to last.’.

By now I wasn’t the least bit intrigued – and my instincts were right :
The next sentence - “Wake up my darling, we are here” - straight back to Mills and Boon.

I’ve not read any of the ‘Twilight’ series but am reliably informed there’s a great deal of hype involved. Basically it’s an Idiot’s Guide on how to get a boyfriend with a sub-plot dressed up in Halloween costume. I’m wondering whether this is your attempt to follow the same path. If so you would do well to reconsider.

None of the plot holds together because there’s so much contextual ambiguity. The story as a whole makes absolutely no sense even if we allow our imagination full flight.

Rather than attempting to explore the reason for their journey we get another domestic scene – a boyfriend/girlfriend argument that happens to take place ‘in one of the most beautiful places in the world’. WHY?????

And then the final mystery (when the secret in the title is revealed) – and it’s such a massive letdown that I almost wept with frustration. A teenage ‘outlaw’ who did something naughty when he was younger and is now being pursued by ‘a very very powerful group of people’ (I’m guessing 2 very’s means they must be really powerful) who ‘will stop at nothing to capture me’. Gulp.

I actually thought the ending was by far the most believable part of the story for what it’s worth. But the rest of it is forgettable because nothing happens that could remotely be considered likely in the real world (or even in a fantasy one come to think of it).

You can write well enough grammatically and have some sense of plot structure but I think you’ve fallen far short here because you haven’t thought things through enough. The plot, for what it’s worth, is full of gaping holes, and the characters are wafer thin. I’m guessing you had high hopes for this – a romantic tale of unrequited love set amongst the word of international intrigue. But overall reading it was unrewarding.

Again Delta advises you to write, write, and write again – I’d add read, read and read again to that list so you get a proper understanding of what it takes to create a viable plot and engaging characters.

I realise this is an extremely harsh crit but I believe you can do so much better. I wish you well and hope you’ll continue to explore your talents as a writer.

H

[Delta40]

I'm soooo jealous of your critique skills Hill....

[hillwalker]

You're such a sweet talker, Delta...

[con202]

Right, well, I seem to have alot to work on here. Oh and @hillwalker , if this is turning into
"Twilight" I'm going to kill it with fire... and then shoot it... and then bury it in a deep hole. D:

Also, I'd go into what I was intending it to be but I know it won't help much, I've got a draft 2 to hand in soon so I may as well post that when it's done. Thanks for critique though, just in time to fix what appears now to be a mess! :P

AH HA! Sorry for the third edit, but I've thought of a great twist to this story, the traveller's true secret!

[Buh4Bee]

We all feel that way about Hillwalker's critiques!

[con202]

Back all, here's v2, better?

The Traveller's Secret v2

They had the most wonderful life, him and her. A promise of the amazing sights of the world. Excitement as they hurried to their next destination, forgetting about everything that was left behind. Sheer adrenaline of the chance of getting caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was enough for both of them to keep going. It really had been a crazy year. She was, after all, once just a lonely art student waiting for her chance to come, she had dreamed of seeing the world and in her many artistic ventures, she had. From a mysterious night flight over city lights, to the hustle and bustle of Mardi Gras, though a picture was never enough. Suddenly a man. Claiming to know everything, strolls into the bar and approaches her table then without even a proper introduction, or a second thought, she had agreed to go with him. Not even to anywhere special at first, just on a somewhat endless journey across the face of the planet... To her, he was this ever so strange, yet wonderful man. She trusted her life with him. A dine and dash from a Paris cuisine, a deathly flight into the depths of Africa and witnessing countries on the brink of war, saving an injured child without a thank you. He had a knack for saving things. Even though the affairs of others was never something to get involved in, somehow, they always got involved. From helping some poor villager to feed his family, or saving an entire hospital from the threat of invading forces... But through it all they flourished. It wasn't long before their ever so slightly rushed friendship had transformed into something more... At least, at first it seemed like that. You see, their travels, their life together, had changed. She wasn't sure what it was, or exactly why, the only thing she knew was...

He had changed.

Everything was in slow motion now, compared to their usual fast forward life. Their last “home” - Egypt – was as close to settling than they ever were. Despite a lust for adventure up until now, the stillness of this unlikely paradise was all she needed. All they needed. They were finally happy. It was time to stop running. Her dreams, however distant they had seemed before, were starting to look real! One day though, it all fell to ashes. A fire devastated their once perfect landscape and before it had even settled, they ran once more. Ran further and faster than ever before. He became shut, not a word leaving his mouth unless she asked a question, though even then the answer was blunt. Unlike before where she was reassured everything was going to be okay there was no comforting. Something was badly wrong.

She was told it was merely an accident. That the fire was the result of a faulty cooling unit and the beating sun heating the wood of the house to burning point. But even when promised that this is all there was, it wasn't hard to see in his eyes that there was something more. Something terrible behind the lines. Today is the day she will find out what that was, the truth behind the running, the mysterious traveller's secret...

“Wake up my darling, we are here”
She breathed sharply and shot up from the seat. That warm, soft voice brought her back to reality. It was a voice she hadn't heard for a while, the voice she fell for.
“I'm afraid we were a little longer than expected” he explained “But I decided a short de-tour wouldn't do us any harm”.
Her eyes glanced forward past the bonnet of the pick up truck, there in front of her a sight to behold. The beautiful French countryside sprawling far onwards in the twilight, the mountains dominating the edge of the horizon. It could all be seen from the top of that small country road they were perched so delicately on. Despite the wonderful sights they had shared, this was by far the most astonishing. The moon at peak high above and the trickle of first sunlight creeping into view. Not a sound could be heard, a perfect night.
“I figured where else would be better to talk than in one of the most beautiful places in the world” he gestured toward the windscreen “just magical isn't it?” he smiled and turned to her, this time she looked into his eyes.
“So now you wanna talk?” she murmured, the atmosphere turned sour. He knew when he had to be serious.
“I'm sorry” he began “I...”
“You don't tell me anything” she interrupted “If there's something wrong I want to know, I need to know” she never broke his sight, her eyes began to swell.
“I know” he started again “I know that I should have told you long before now, and I know that it may be hard to understand but all I ask is that you know this is what I have to do...” he watched the sunrise, trying to unlock the words trapped in his heart and morph them into sentences.
“Wha... what are you talking about?” she shook her head “Tell me what!?” she grasped his arm and held it tight, tears streamed down her face. The thing she wished for more in the entire world was for this moment to never arise. The moment in which it would all truly make sense. The moment in which the doubts became real. The truth had surfaced...

“I'm a fugitive” he hopelessly admitted. “A wanted fugitive” he added, a deep sigh escaped him “I didn't plan it. It was a stupid mistake in my time and I have ran away from it like a coward my entire life, running from a foolish teenage blunder” he reminisced “but now... it's time for me to stop” he embraced her, reaching out his hand to gently hold her face. He seemed devastated.
“Oh Catherine my dear” he swallowed hard, “It got so complicated oh so very quickly and then you. You appeared out of nowhere like a guardian angel, bright green eyes glowing, watching over me.” she smiled, one of remembrance, her eyes still flooding with tears. She lifted her head, it weighed a tonne, and with all her strength a quiet whisper escaped her lips, “Why? Why are you telling me this now? All this time” she shook her head. Her mind understood but her heart just couldn't grasp what was happening, this was painful.
“Now I must pay the price for my actions. They have found me” he gazed down in sadness. Catherine heaved all that was left in her to whisper “Who?”.
“Let's just say, a powerful group of men who will stop at nothing to capture me” Catherine saw this once amazing, proud man now sit, vulnerable, scared to even think of the horror he knew he would face.
“Tell me who” she persisted, though he had other concerns on his mind.
“I am not going to let them find you” he leaned closer, pressing his head against Catherine's, “especially now...” he moved his hand to hold her stomach. She was going to surprise him with the news the day it all burned to ashes, a paradise lost, a life he can never live, not anymore.
“You can't just leave... you can't...”
He whispered gently:

“I have to go”

ONE YEAR LATER

The plane journey was bumpy, but that didn't matter, she had too much to worry about. Despite his warning not to follow in his footsteps that's exactly what she was doing. The past year had been tough, she couldn't deny that. Suddenly dropped off in the middle of London and told to make her way home, he didn't even make a proper goodbye. All those times she pondered the same questions over and over again. All those times she caught herself weeping. All those times she decided to go back, just to find something, anything that would give her that much deserved closure, yet nothing became of it. Now though, she was ready, and with affairs back home tied up she left to find the answers to those complicated questions, and hoped to find something to point to her former lover's fate. With a jolt and shudder the plane came to a halt on the tarmac...

A few hours passed, she exited the land rover and slammed the door behind her. Yet another rugged journey over the harsh plains of Egypt, but that didn't matter. The ruins of their once flourishing home lay before her, exactly as it was when she left. A great sense of dread washed over her, this place held so much, though there was no time to waste. She ventured into the charred rubble. A few rocks here, a few bricks there, till sunset she weaved through the mangled mess that was once her home, but it was getting dark, she needed to find shelter. As she made her way back to the rover a glint of the surface caught her eye. Again it glistened in the evening sun, she focused on it more, the object seemed to go under the surface. She made her way over, the sand disintegrated from under her feet. She frantically tried to grab something, too late, she plunged into darkness. Suddenly awake, she found herself surrounded by pictures of her and others in a small, dim room. It felt familiar, like a family basement, she didn't remember a basement? She was lying on a mattress strewn on the floor, warm to the touch. Disoriented, she lifted herself from the floor. Her eyes adjusted to the darkness and the pictures as clear as day. Many happy memories, laid out on a concrete wall, she couldn't quite believe what she was seeing. Yet, her nostalgic glee was tattered soon. Next to each picture, in military order, was pictures of different women, in the same places, at different times. More that twenty. Every wall covered in photos, all these memories she thought was her own shared between many other women.
“What the hell is going on here!?” she thought to herself, this only serving to promote more questions. A voice croaked from the darkness.
“Catherine?” the figure outlined by the light through the cracks in a door behind him.
“What are you doing here?”
Catherine froze, she turned slowly to face the figure, her eyes meeting his feet pacing up his body and into his eyes, those oh so familiar eyes, it was him.

Tensions began to flair.
“You left me! Left me in the dark! Dropped me off in some good for nothing city without even a goodbye!”
“I told you not to follow me”
“Are you even listening!?”
“I told you very, very clearly, DO NOT follow me” he was becoming enraged, Catherine not faltering in her pursuit of answers. His hands reached behind his back as he picked up something from the desk behind him.
“What happened to our child Catherine?” he calmly asked
She stopped dead, pondering her answer, an idea struck her, an ultimate revenge. Her eyes shot to the object he was holding.
“... there is no child” she began “...it wasn't born... I...”
He lunged forward, a knife plunged deep into her heart. She plummeted to the ground. He grabbed her and broke her fall. He shook with rage.
“Why!? WHY!? This could've all worked! Why couldn't you stay away!? You could've been happy! I was fine with my life! ”
“You hurt me... so I hurt you...” she stammered, her life slowly fading.
“Wh...What?”
“Chris... I... I lied... Just... like... you”
Blood drained onto the floor, it stained his fingers, he plunged the knife further into her heart. They had a wonderful life, him and her, a shame that no matter how many people, through so many lives, he was never able to stop running.

[hillwalker]

Better? No.

10 out of 10 for perseverance, but you've stuck too closely to the original. And we all know how bad that was.

- the most wonderful life - amazing sights - Excitement - Sheer adrenaline - a crazy year

Starting a story with so many superlatives is suicidal. You don't actually tell us anything about the characters or what happened to them. It's like a series of headlines without a story...

You should start by trying to set the scene first. Create a believable character that the reader can get to know and perhaps care about. Tell us a little more about the young art student. What were her hopes and ambitions? (and I don't mean a list of exotic destinations she wants to visit). As far as I was concerned she didn't exist - and the man who whisked her away is even less credible. So I didn't really care what happened to them.

The entire plot is little more than a daydream. No doubt you can imagine Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt starring in the movie of your story, but reading it was unrewarding. It's impossible to engage with paper-thin characters (and I mean the thinnest paper possible) and the plot is so absurd it made me cringe.

And if you need proof, take a step back and read this part again:

To her, he was this ever so strange, yet wonderful man. She trusted her life with him. A dine and dash from a Paris cuisine, a deathly flight into the depths of Africa and witnessing countries on the brink of war, saving an injured child without a thank you. He had a knack for saving things. Even though the affairs of others was never something to get involved in, somehow, they always got involved. From helping some poor villager to feed his family, or saving an entire hospital from the threat of invading forces... But through it all they flourished

Agh!!

You need to read more - get a feel for how writers construct a plot and create characters that no matter how far-fetched are still rooted in reality. As I say, this is nothing more than a daydream. No doubt you had great fun coming up with it, but it's a nightmare to read.

H

[con202]

Damn, I would say third time lucky... but looks like this is going on the shelf :P . Thanks for the feedback! TBH, fantasy and sci-fi is more my thing, I like the idea of mixing creatures of the night with a sci fi twist. But hey ho I tried something different and it didn't work as well as planned.

Really though, this was written purely as a piece to get enough marks to pass a folio, I never really intended it to go very far, the word limit is still something I had to think about, 2000 words max I think, and that's frowned upon... lazy markers... *waves fist*

I'm gonna keep writing though... you haven't seen the last of me... mwhahaha... :D

[hillwalker]

You get awarded marks for this? Wow... how times have changed.

I did get a whiff of fantasy in the story - so the fact that it's your comfort zone possibly explains why the plot was so far-fetched. I just hope you take more care creating your mythical creatures than you did coming up with this pair of nonentities.

H

[con202]

You get awarded marks for this? Wow... how times have changed.

H

Yeah I think marks are awarded more to technique than plot, then again I don't think they pay attention to the actual meaning of the story most of the time... though don't hold me to that!

I could've added laser guns and aliens for all they care, as long as it makes sense in it's grammer and all that jazz it still get's a good mark. :P I think... A current teacher would obviously give a better insight into that...