Going South

[PoetTree]

A year now, since you left.
The earth has traveled round again
to this precise place in space.
Now it pauses, breath hitched:

I stand on the path we walked.
The same poplars stretch,
blazing branches reaching for distant sun.

Ghostly memories superimpose on the scene:
your form silhouetted against late-afternoon light;
the line of your jaw, the plane of your shoulders,
the elusive shadow of you...

A sudden commotion lifts our faces to the sky:
geese point south with urgent, flapping wings
compelled by elemental instinct
to escape, escape!

I turn to you with a smile, but you've vanished.
A thin line of chimney smoke trails,
fading into cold autumn air.
The earth exhales at last, a soft sigh
that sets the world turning once more.

[PrinceMyshkin]

In stanza 2 line 3, shouldn't it be the sun? Apart from which there is such straightforwardness in this and a stunning opposition between the sun's breath "hitched" and the reference to it (relentlessly? cruelly?) beginning to turn again, leaving the abandoned lover behind. How fluid the whole of this is, how unpretentious!

[PoetTree]

No, I left "the" out on purpose. I wanted "sun" to work as a more general metaphor (warmth, light), as opposed to THE one-and-only sun.

[hillwalker]

I agree that 'sun' works perfectly well as it stands - and I love the sense of the earth holding its breath for a year as one memory is allowed to superimpose itself upon another.

My only quibble would be the monosyllabic 'spot' in v1 L3 - to maintain the de-da-de-da rhythm (b|v can probably give you its correct name) right up until L4 when indeed one would expect the rhythm to falter because the earth has ceased to turn, you really need a word of two syllables with the stress on the second (a word like 'suppose' or 'reply' for example, though of course neither would make sense in this context).

Great poem, and good look with your search for that elusive word.

H

[Delta40]

I like the landscape poetry on Lit-Net. It really has the effect of placing me there in the moment. I guess that is why I don't quibble so much on the construction of the poem so much as there are key words and images sufficient to transport me. That is not to say of course that critiques such as Hill and Hawk are not without value. They are both excellent in their responses and I for one am glad this is not a forum where the only response is 'oh isn't that nice!' for fear of offending budding poets.

Your poetree branches out into my imagination and I am so glad you joined.

[PoetTree]

@Hillwalker, does that work better?

[PrinceMyshkin]

@Hillwalker, does that work better?

It may indeed satisfy Hillwalker who, as we all know, is something of a cream-puff, but I think "sector" is out of tone with the rest of the poem, where just about every word is one that you might have used with some unpretentious neighbour whereas "sector" has a somewhat technical sound to me, a somewhat bloodless sound.

[Hawkman]

The trouble is I think that a sector isn't really precise, being a genearlisation for an area. I would have gone for Place to give and internal rhyme with space. I'm not that taken with hitched, Hitched to what. the word implies harnessed but in context I feel you are implying held or suspended.

In S2 I would have put a line break after stretch, "blazing branches" being in a line of their own.

S4 might be better with:

"A sudden commotion lifts our faces to the geese,
pointing south with urgent, flapping wings..."

this flows better and prevents the repetition of sky, which as it stands you've used three times and twice in the last stanza. I would suggest:

"I turn to you with a smile, but you've vanished.
The sky is empty now, but for a thin line
of chimney smoke that trails and fades.
The earth exhales at last, a soft sigh
that sets the world turning once more."

Apart from these minor quibbles you have a strong voice and your sense of pace and rhythm are very good, evoking vividly reflective images of sadness and loss.

a very pleasing read.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

'sector' indeed has 2 syllables - but the stress is on the 1st syllable when it really needs to be on the 2nd to maintain the beat.

It's also rather too Star Trekky when it should be lyrical. 'locale' fits metrically and contextually but it's still not quite right. Perhaps the line needs a rethink... bearing in mind the need to continue the gentle rhythm until the pause in L4.

And Prince - I'm probably more of a Jammy Dodger than a cream puff.

H

[PoetTree]

All right, boys. You're all delightfully thorough. @Hawk, I had considered "place" myself, but was unsure if the rhyme was too playful. I put it in and I'll see how it sits. I reworked things a bit so I'm down to one sky. @Hill, I have no idea what a Jammy Dodger is, but I'm fond of cream puffs, myself. Further opinions are welcome...

[hillwalker]

Allow me to introduce you to one of the UK's confectionary delights :

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/picture.php?albumid=903&pictureid=9239

H

[PoetTree]

Hm. A jam sandwich?

[blank|verse]

For what it's worth, PT, I think 'spot' is better than 'sector' or 'place'. It gives consonantal alliteration, which works well and is subtler than the internal rhyme 'place' gives, which (you're right) sounds too jolly. And you're writing free verse, so while rhythm is important, sticking to a metre, by its very nature, isn't.

But I think you need to drop the italics from that line, the words should stand up for themselves if they're strong enough. Likewise with the repetition of 'escape', even if it does evoke Baudelaire's 'Anywhere, anywhere!'.

However, I think 'breath hitched' is spot-on, both semantically and rhythmically; the two stressed monosyllabic words together takes the reader's breath as described when read aloud.

Overall, I thought this was ok, but if I'm honest, found the idea of the whole world stopping just for the narrator to consider her lost love a little close to self-pity. I'm sure with a bit of tinkering it could be toned down a touch, so it appears the world has stopped just to the narrator. (I'm reminded here of Auden's 'In Memory of W.B. Yeats' (http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15544).)

And anyone who's read John Betjeman's 'Slough' (http://www-cdr.stanford.edu/intuition/Slough.html) will be familiar with the phrase 'the earth exhales', which I doubt is a deliberate reference, but is a bit distracting.

Anyway – Prince, that was the b-tchiest comment I've seen posted on LitNet (and there have been a few!). Glad to see you're not taking it lying down, hill! FIGHT! FIGHT! :boxing_smiley:

[PoetTree]

Good gracious, you're a hard bunch of men to please! I should lock you in a closet and have you duke it out and the victor shall decide whether it's spot/place/locale...

I'm not well-read enough to have heard of Baudelaire or Betjeman... but maybe I'll just take it as a compliment that my phrasing is not so far off from people I assume are great poets... I'll go look them up.

[Jack of Hearts]

It was a fine read, followed by a fine squabble.

It reminds this reader very much of a poster who used to come by here called everyadventure.

Anyways, it's been pleasant reading your fiction and now your poem.





J

[symphony]

This is the first poem I'm reading by you, PoetTree, and it gives as wonderful an impression as does your username. :)

[osho]

Despite everything, whether the foregoing comments were for or against, I like this poem with a theme of reminiscence. And that is the dharma of a poet to arrest a particular thought, not a universal one as Jack of Hearts has rightly said a while ago. We never expect a poet to be philosophical. The poet is capable of doing justice