Of papers and autumns and lost pencils

[symphony]

I’ve lost the pencil you gave me.
It wouldn’t be the first time, but
I just don’t think with it any more,
I’m not the mind I used to be
with it. I live by fresh white pages,
trying to find poetry in packed buses,
ketchup stains on a white sweater.

I just don’t feel with it any more.
I’ve even tried on those nights
when the slightest sound in the street
brings back all the counted sheep,
and in slits of bits of sleep I pass
the drowsing litter of lines.
I pass dreams that never complete.

Sometimes I simply live for those
nightly interstices, dream-lit corridors...
I remember once I took your hand
knowing that none of us chose
to be afraid, none of us chose to wait.
But your palm too became a leaf,
yellowing when first autumn touched it.

Perhaps because I keep returning
to mornings of cereal and symmetry,
spend my days counting the last bills,
sometimes, perhaps, too lost in them?
Still my fingers trace the geometry
of your face, we smile, hold hands, and wait—
wait for the sun to be the tree’s diadem.

The wholeness of a day perhaps comes
with debts of pieces of the next.
And so autumn has showered on me
my shreds of countless poems,
and so I have learned to live
by blank white pages, lost pencils,
and last night’s fractured sleep.


---

[Delta40]

I'm so glad you took me on that journey and came back to the pencil at the end. Wonderful associations and imagery. I would lose the last long line in the poem for a stronger effect.

[symphony]

On reading it again, I actually agree. The last line is not helping much in this. I'll get rid of it. Thanks Delta!

[Bar22do]

This is subtle and rich, a quiet journey and it's so good the pencil is there again. I always love to read you symphony. Best from Bar

[PrinceMyshkin]

It's hard to tell where your mind ends and your heart begins; perhaps there is no division?

Bless you, Symphony! Bless you, bless you...

[Jack of Hearts]

A fine read for this reader's October morning. Thanks for sharing.







J

[Hawkman]

Hello Symphony. I feel this poem isn't quite there yet. There is a lot about it to like though, it has good pace and rythm for the most part, but it does have a few niggles which I feel should be addressed.

Firstly, in the first two stanzas you have said "with it" three times. The first use:

"I just don't think with it any more" in context would seem inappropriate as you have declared that you have lost the pencil, so can't think with it would seem more logical. If your intention is to convey that you mislaid it because you weren't using it I feel the wording could be improved. However the subsequent lines where you say:

"I’m not the mind I used to be
with it...."

would seem to counter this possible interpretation. Besides, this line might be better worded as "Without it, I'm not the mind I was."

The third use is ok as it stands. But in S2 L2 you need a comma after tried to delimit the beginning of the subordinate clause. In L4 of this stanza, I think the should be replaced with those as it is both more indicative and evens out the stresses in the line.

The last three lines in this stanza are the weakest in the poem.

"and in slits of bits of sleep I pass
the drowsing litter of lines.
I pass dreams that never complete."

You seem to have allowed yourself to be carried away on a tide of alliteration and assonance which has kind of tangled up your ability to express your intent coherently. I would recommend rewording them.

S3 is wonderful as is S4 but in S5 you unnecessarily repeat perhaps, which was justifiably used in S4. I think you could safely just leave it out of S5 L1 with no ill effects to the poem at all.

Generally the poem is a very pleasing read though, with a measured tone and wistful reflectiveness which are nicley described. Always a pleasure to read you.

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

This is quite bittersweet, symphony, and an enjoyable poem. I remember you left a comment under my recent poem, saying how you wanted to write in a similar style – plain language but expressing more than is said. So if that was your aim here, you can count this a success, and although I share some of Hawkman's suggestions for amending the poem (particularly the repetition of words and phrases) I think there's a lot more right with this than not.

The use of everyday expressions is largely very well controlled and works very well. Like Hawk, I'm thought the opening statement doesn't really nail the narrator's feelings about the loss of the pencil, so maybe you need to consider rewording it.

Personally, I think the poem is one stanza too long. I think there are weaker moments, mainly the 'dream sequence' part, in stanzas 2 and 3, and think they could be tightened. Compare how much stronger the first quote is, rooted in everyday experience and tangible 'things', than the second, more abstract:

trying to find poetry in packed buses,
ketchup stains on a white sweater.

I remember once I took your hand
knowing that none of us chose
to be afraid, none of us chose to wait.
And I think the poem deserves a better title. But overall, this was very enjoyable, and I endorse Prince's comments about how heartfelt the poem is.

Anyway, if you've not read any poetry by Hugo Williams, I strongly recommend him to you, as he is the modern master of this plain prose style (influenced by Movement poets such as Larkin and Martin Amis, as well as John Betjeman) and I'm sure you will be instantly won over by his charm and wit. Billy's Rain (1999) is thought his best collection; I have a soft-spot for the follow-up Dear Room (2006), which isn't in his Collected Poems. He is well-loved in the British poetry scene; I'm not sure how well known he is outside the UK. b|v

[symphony]

Thanks Bar, Prince, and Jack for the warm comments.
Tons of thanks to you, Hawkman and b|v, for the critiques and suggestions. I know the poem needs some work and I will probably soon get into it. In the past I used to be resistant to editing poems, thinking I should keep that...initial downpour I'd say...intact. Call it a naive wish of a young girl who never wrote to be a poet, but had bits of poetry inside (although even then I appreciated criticism as it helped the next poem if not that one). Nowadays, however, I know better than to think that the words I create to offer a piece of myself to others are not absolute expressions. Also, I now write after long painful breaks (one of which gave birth to this poem) and strive to find the 'right' way around...
...which makes me think-- I was actually thinking of naming this poem On not writing poetry as it was, precisely, on that! And well okay I'll admit it, it would've added further irony to my small list of almost-poems, one of which is called On not understanding poetry. :p

[PrinceMyshkin]

Thanks Bar, Prince, and Jack for the warm comments.
Tons of thanks to you, Hawkman and b|v, for the critiques and suggestions. I know the poem needs some work and I will probably soon get into it. In the past I used to be resistant to editing poems, thinking I should keep that...initial downpour I'd say...intact. Call it a naive wish of a young girl who never wrote to be a poet, but had bits of poetry inside (although even then I appreciated criticism as it helped the next poem if not that one). Nowadays, however, I know better than to think that the words I create to offer a piece of myself to others are not absolute expressions. Also, I now write after long painful breaks (one of which gave birth to this poem) and strive to find the 'right' way around...
...which makes me think-- I was actually thinking of naming this poem On not writing poetry as it was, precisely, on that! And well okay I'll admit it, it would've added further irony to my small list of almost-poems, one of which is called On not understanding poetry. :p

Having had the privilege of some PM exchanges with you and a phone-conversation or two, I feel I have the authority to say there is no Sympony0.1, 0.2 but always the same bona fide, full-hearted, hyper-literate person!

Take as much instruction or correction as you care to, but the basic rule is already written in or on your soul and as you are!

[symphony]

Having had the privilege of some PM exchanges with you and a phone-conversation or two, I feel I have the authority to say there is no Sympony0.1, 0.2 but always the same bona fide, full-hearted, hyper-literate person!

Take as much instruction or correction as you care to, but the basic rule is already written in or on your soul and as you are!

Dear dear, you never fail to bring a smile, Jer. :D