Forever forgotten and gone

[Abra]

This is really just lyrics to a song I wrote, but I guess they work as a poem as well, so I'll post it here to hopefully receive some input.

I was a ship on the raging seas
My flag waved so proud on the mast
But then mother nature turned on me
My whole crew was washed off and lost
And as the waves grew, I gave in to the blue
The storm drowned my sails in the sea
I came to rest here with corals and chests
And nobody remembers me

And I was amongst the frightened boys
On Normandys coast, forty-four
My best friend and I were in the convoy
As our ships were approaching the shore
And our command was the first to reach land
when the bullets piped through the rain
I lost my breath as one plowed through my vest
And my mom never saw me again

And i was a vision a thinker once had
Before he was condemned as a fool
You pointed him out as dangerous and mad
his ideas not follow your rules
You had him expelled and locked up in a cell
And his vision, it soon became blurred
When he got out, he just wandered about
And he never again spoke a word

And I was a dream that belonged to a girl
That she once wrote down as a poem
But now im on the shelf, 'long with everything else
that's forever forgotten and gone

[hillwalker]

Not a bad effort at all.

A bit of a jump from being a ship on a sea to a soldier killed in action but one assumes the 3 main verses are written from the pov of 3 different 'ghosts'.

I particularly liked the skillful internal rhymes - as well as the end rhymes that don't intrude too much on the sense of the piece.

Bearing in mind that these began as lyrics to a song it's probably just as important that the meter or beat is consistent so the words combine smoothly with the tune - and this is where one or two lines could do with a slight tweak:

e.g.

I came to rest here with corals and chests

(unless you pronounce 'here' as 'hee-yah' giving it a second syllable). Also the internal rhyme 'chest'/'rest' is slightly disrupted because of the distance between the pair.
Something along the lines of 'I came to a rest with the corals and chests' maintains a finer balance and rhythm (but I'm guessing you can improve on this).

A fair attempt nonetheless.

H

[Abra]

Hillwalker,

Thank you for your criticism, it is greatly appreciated.

Yes, it is true that the change of scenery in every verse might confuse one. Basically I was just playing around with verses loosely based around the theme "forgotten and gone", whereas "I" in every verse always represents something that is just that (a sunken ship, a fallen solider, a childhood dream etc.). I often find myself struggling staying on one "path" when writing songs, partially because English is not my first language, so my vocabulary is a bit limited, and also I guess I run out of imagination. So i decided to change things up a bit and just write four different stories in one song!

As for the beat in the lyrics, I wrote it to fit a chord progression and rythm I had already laid out. I tried to do it with your tweak suggestion but then I just had to squeeze in to many words making it sound unnatural - I guess it has to do with me and you reading it in a different rythm? I read one syllable per beat on a 3/4 rythm.

Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read and comment!