Autumn morning cigarette

[DieterM]

An open window, a lighter flaring…
Morning freshness stings the fingers
while a sparrow nearby shivers
off last drops of sleepiness.

Hesitating, the pale moon lingers,
witnessing the day's slow rise,
the faraway a blurry pink,
a bloody smear on high, dark blue.

Early joggers puff white clouds,
their bodies shielded in steam,
feet rustling on sidewalks paved with leaves –
a withering patchwork, yellow-red.

Two ravens sit and mope and shudder
on shiny cables thin like hair.
Cigarette smoke and coffee smell
fade into autumn decadence.

[Buh4Bee]

Wow! I was present through each stanza. I felt like I was the one smoking the cigarette. This is a very vivid and sensual poem. Very well written, regarding these poetic features.

[_Shannon_]

Love this! My only contention is the bloody smear, which seems dissonant with the rest of the tone.

[symphony]

This reminded me of early-morning walks with my best friend (who also happens to be my boyfriend), probably because of the cigarette and coffee smells that it brings. But that feeling of freshness (fresh for me I mean) is not what the poem is trying to channel, it seems. The ravens, the bloody smear, the mention of decadence at the end- they all seem to trigger something darker in the mind even through those early morning lights and smells... I love hanging in between both the dark and the light in this poem. The only thing that sounded a bit strange to me was the 3rd stanza, where there might be a problem in either the punctuations or the structure (perhaps a : or a -- instead of , before the last line?)

[Dark Muse]

I loved this, such vivid imagery it paints such a picture in the mind which truly evokes all of the senses and I loved the atmosphere of it. Though I never smoke nor drink coffee, perhaps becasue I associate these things with people I know, drawing upon them in poetry always provokes strong emotions in me.

[Delta40]

I really enjoyed this except 'lighter flared' A match being struck seemed much more visible. It was an easy path to follow in my mind thereafter.

well done.

[Buh4Bee]

I do agree about the match and the smear, but otherwise it is so good.

[DieterM]

Hey everyone, thanks ever so much for reading, commenting… and liking, above all! Strange that you at once picked up some darker undertone that I didn't have any intention of putting there. Yet, somehow, I think it fits in as the dawn tends to be a somehow strange time of day. As for the match, I do admit I was thinking about it but couldn't find the right rhythm, the right flow for it, you know what I mean? (Oh, and unfortunately, I do smoke, the first one right after my morning shower and even before my first cup of coffee... and since in my new flat, the kitchen's the only place I allow myself to indulge my little addiction, with the window wide open, even when it's freezing outside, well, you could say this stupid morning ritual has inspired the lines above...) I wish you all an excellent day!

[Bar22do]

You brought me inside your poem, the imagery is so great. Kudos Dieter, best from Bar

[blank|verse]

This is also full of some great imagery, Dieter, and is good to read. You should work on a collection of 'city poems'!

One area you might consider developing is how all the imagery works as a whole. (Being aware of what I've heard called the 'thematic domain' of the poem.) To this end, I was thrown by the last word of the poem: 'decadence'. The previous imagery suggests the opposite, that nature is against man. Right from the start, the air 'stings' the fingers; there is a 'bloody smear' in the sky; joggers have to be 'shielded' against the elements. Is this a 'decadent' world? However, other parts (the 'patchwork' leaves and so on) sound quite pleasant; so there is a lack of consistency, which doesn't strike me as being controlled enough to be deliberate. So maybe that's something to consider in future.

Other than that, it's an enjoyable poem.