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austeane
10-17-2011, 01:49 AM
мертвый
by Austin Wallace

Zoltan has really done it this time hasn’t he? Despite the fact that no one really knows him and that he has never been involved in a scandal, or really anything negative, he seems to be threatened more than anyone who isn’t a recognizable cultural icon. Although I am not sure of the details of these particular ones, death threats can be quite... detailed. It can indeed be extremely difficult to ignore. However, for Zoltan to lock himself up for two weeks, especially at this stage of a possible acquisition, they must be deemed to be serious. Well, the more paranoid he is the better chances I have at succeeding.
Maybe it is because he is Russian, but even as an American I haven’t always been that poorly received in foreign countries and Russia and America are probably equally hated. Being locked up is not good for him or his company, мертвый добыча, or for those of who use the English alphabet, Cold Mining. Each day he is in his self imposed prison the chances of him winning the “bid” for the mining rights to what is possibly the worlds largest Platinum mine decrease.
There are four companies leading the bidding for the Platinum mine which is currently owned by some lucky American family that 22is about to get a tonne richer, literally. My company, trucORE, Zoltan Bakonyi’s, мертвый добыча , David Markham’s, Felsig Berg Bergbau and Carlos Rito’s, America del Sur Mineria are all about equal in wealth and are all in the business of mining. Who wins is whoever puts the most stock into Platinum, has the least amount of money tied up in other projects and who is most willing to take the risk. At the moment it is entirely possible that the Platinum stored in the island of Aumon is worth a million dollars, or ten thousand, or a billion, or a hundred billion or even multiple trillions of dollars. It is anyone’s guess and the bid is basically whoever makes the highest bid wins. With that being said, I believe that everyone is going to bid quite high; probably somewhere in the billion dollar range. My company can easily match that but you have to be smart and use risk management to decide just how high to bid.
A couple of days after I heard of Zoltan’s self imprisonment I received a box from the Fed-ex guy at my office. It had no name but mine on it and something scribbled so badly it was completely illegible. When I opened it I found a letter and a vial filled withs some clear liquid. Inside the letter was a message from Zoltan himself:

My Friend, Greg Ryan;

Moments before this letter was written I received yet another gruesome death threat by mail. I have decided to turn myself in as a precaution until the authorities can find out where it is coming from. How does this concern you? Well as you have already figured out; if I am not there I can not bid which means the odds of you winning increases. What I am offering you is another dramatic increase . Inside the vial is cyanide, the fastest acting poison known to man. It is tasteless and smells of almonds. It is in neither of our best interests if I spell out what it is for but let me just say this; 2 on 1 one is much better odds then 1 on 3. Please incinerate this letter immediately for obvious reasons.

Your new partner, Zoltan Bakonyi.


I felt like laughing. And crying. Both actually. And some jaw dropping. With a lot of “Huh?” “Whaa?” and “Wows” mixed in. Instead I just silently stared at the piece of paper in my hand. Only taking a break to stare at the vial; then back to the letter.
He actually wanted me to kill someone! Not only that, he wants me to kill a powerful CEO and rival! With cyanide! No way in hell I would actually do that right? Right? It is only a platinum deposit and it could turn out to be nothing... Then again it could end up being the single most profitable mine in human history! With the CEO out of the way there would be so much infighting over who would take over that there is no way in hell that they could bid. As an added bonus each of the CEO’s are, I have to admit, quite good at what they do. If another less competent CEO steps in it will make my life that much easier.
Now I am thinking about it like I have already decided to do it! I haven’t. Have I? It would make sense business wise, obviously assuming I don’t get caught, and you cannot think of morals in a business decision which is what this is. Purely business.
Even if I were to entertain this ludicrous idea how would I do it? And to whom? Carlos or David. David is your stereotypical German businessman; little to no sense of humor, enormously intelligent but thinks strictly inside the box and lacks a bit of personality. Carlos on the other hand can have some fun, he is serious when needed and can be a hard man but is a creative thinker and is highly intelligent as well. Rumours seem to follow Carlos everywhere he goes. First he was accused of being the head of the Brazilian mob, then a drug lord, then a pimp and even a serial killer. Although the answer is almost certainly not “all of the above” one of them is probably at least partially true.
On one hand it might be better to kill off Carlos or the simple fact that he already has a ton of perceived enemies though they have not revealed themselves yet. On the other hand David is the sort of person that has an extremely rigorously tight, bordering on religious, schedule that I may be able to take advantage of. Carlos’ only consistent schedule item was a party at Bennigan's bar; an exclusive place to relax or party. Every single Friday he almost religiously frequents this establishment. Always, his last drink is always something called a Purple Nasty which contains a shot of Pernod, one of Bacardi, blackcurrant, ice and topped up with lemonade or Coke. It looks like purple mud but supposedly tastes good. I wonder if I can use David’s drink against him? On the other hand David has a schedule that is so intricate and complex... I can’t understand how he can live like that! What if I could kill them both? Cyanide for Carlos... That just fits doesn’t it? Maybe David will have a little fall or the stress might get to his heart... I start to laugh. I can’t help it; it is too funny!

* * *

Finally Friday! This week has been a long week. Too long. Maybe I should book off
Thursdays?
I can’t be thinking of this stuff yet. Still more meetings; more work for Carlos Rito, CEO of América del Sur Minería. Five meetings today; and that doesn’t include those... other... meetings that isn’t on any day planner. Those guys definitely do not keep day planners. Useless bureaucratic things; what’s the point? I’m pretty sure I can figure out my own day. Maybe they have something against good-looking CEO’s that like to have fun. God knows we are a dying breed!
Luckily all but one of the meetings were done by three and they had gone as well as one could expect. The legitimate meetings were boring and the not so legitimate ones were mostly about dealing with easily fixed problems. My final meeting was with a quite disgruntled bunch of Mexicans. Their street corner sellers have been “mysteriously” disappearing. Uncanny that this unfortunate and unfavorable destiny should be the fate of only those industrious workers that apparently insisted on selling the same merchandise as my very own distributors and in the very same district. Odd indeed! Now normally they are easily replaced but when your replacements disappear, and their replacements disappear... Well they got the picture pretty quick. That doesn’t mean they like it. In fact they dislike it very much. So their “big guys” decided to come on over and see if “I knew anything”. Of course I knew nothing. I did tell them that a would look into it but that they looked like the type of people that might “disappear”. Again, they did not take that very well and stormed off swearing in Spanish. I think they might have forgotten I was Brazilian, and even though Portuguese is my first language, I can understand Spanish well enough. Gotta give them points for creativity!
They will grumble for a bit but then they will come back and make an offer or they might just decide that my territory is not worth it. Whatever, they can do what they want; it is the weekend! Get to go home relax change and get ready for Brennigen’s!
At Brennigen’s I met up with a couple buddies, chatted up a couple girls and just had some fun. I was able to put away all business thoughts and worries and just have some fun. When you have such a high stress job you have to put aside some “chill out” time. That being said it is getting late so I order my last drink of the night, a Purple Nasty. It looks awesome, tastes awesome and packs one hell of a punch; I always save it for last or it can get a bit too fun! It might look like purple mud but it tastes and smells great. Speaking of that; this one smelled a bit off. I can’t quite place it but it is just different. I took a small sip and it tasted fine so bottoms up! Tasted fine, nothing to worry about. For some reason I still can’t place that smell.
Wait what am I drinking? God it is hot in here or something, the room is spinning! Am I spinning? Almonds! What? The smell was almonds! I tried to scream the words “The Mexicans, The f***ing Mexicans!”. What about Mexicans smelled like almonds? Black; then white.

* * *

My prospects are looking better every day! First Zoltan locks himself off because of some “death threat” and now Carlos has gotten himself killed by that little side business of his. No reason for that. Now there will be some major division in his company and there is no way they can form a cohesive enough voice to bid. He makes enough money as a CEO in mostly fair dealings; some men can not resist the temptation of money; especially dirty money. I can not say with any honesty that money is not appealing to me but as a man of god I keep all of my dealings fair. Although it is impossible for a man with as much on his plate such as me to attend church with any regularity I believe that God is smiling on me. How else do you explain two of the four bidding companies being knocked out of the bidding? Now it is that fat American pig Greg and I, David Markham, CEO of Felsig Berg Bergbau bidding for what is possibly the largest platinum mine on Earth. How can I lose? My company is willing to bid in the tens of billions of dollars and that swine does not have the backbone to bid that high.
Just as they say “Speak of the Devil”; this time it was only my thoughts that brought the phone to ring with Greg’s distinctive ring tone. He wanted to meet to discuss business; not only that he wanted to meet at his office. This is just like Greg; make his competitors do all the work and he sits on his behind all day every day! I say OK and I will meet him there.
Once I got there the secretary on the ground floor told me that Greg was on the roof and which elevator took me there. The roof? What the hell is so important that he can’t talk in his own office? What a fool, he cannot trust his own people! Though mad I calmly walked out of the elevator and up the final flight of stairs.

* * *

I hurriedly put away the empty syringe once I saw David appear out of the stairwell. God, I hope the religious fool didn’t see it! This had better not get messy. Of course he had to be early. Schedule, schedule, schedule! I start to laugh in my head again.
We start talking about meaningless things and how sorry we are about the death of Carlos. Then the “real” business comes up. We talk about the bid and what will happen. Then I offer an alliance, a 50/50 spilt of the Platinum in the mine. He says no as he will win the bid fairly. Him and his goddamned fairness! I start laughing harder in my head. After a bit we decide that if he gets 60% of the Platinum he will come into a partnership with me.
What happens next is slow motion. I can’t help myself, I laugh out loud and it must have been hysterical, I reach out to shake his gloved hand and he takes it, chuckling a bit himself but in an awkward sort of way. I grab his hand, with the other hand I take out the syringe; I pull him closer to me and as I close my eyes I begin to stab towards his neck. Instant death, embolism hits the brain or heart, looks natural. The neck isn’t there; I missed. I laugh. Then I feel his hand on mine on the syringe. I laugh louder then I have ever laughed before; so much so that I do not struggle as I feel my own syringe puncture my neck. It is so funny! The world is getting darker! Ha ha ha ha ha....



* * *

I just killed a man. God forgive me! It was in my own defence. It is this worthless fat swine’s fault. Thank god I had seen the syringe before he put it away. I take a closer look and it looks to be filled with air. It is his own hands on the syringe. The way he laughed; he was truly a demon. In that moment I saw what must be done.
I take a minute to calm myself as I make my way down to the front door. I tell the lady with surprising calmness that Greg is having a nap and may go home sick. He had been feeling some tightness in his chest.
I walk out the door and stop. Suddenly I am at a loss as to what I should do. By tomorrow they would definitely have found the body. Obviously I would be a prime subject if they decided that foul play was involved. I feel no pity for the fool; he dug his own grave. Greed was his killer, not I. By killing me he would have been able to easily acquire the platinum mine for a hundredth of what it would go for if any of the other major companies would have bid. Unlucky for me, Greg was the only company that had gone public and he barely had a majority of the shares. That meant that there was a good chance that the rest of the shareholders would decide to bid and Felsig Berg Bergbau, also known as Overground Mining will have to wait before striking.
So what do I do now? Return to Germany to be with my family? Stay here and try to bid still? I must stay. If I leave it will look like I am running away. Then again it might look like I am just concerned for my own safety. Two CEO’s dead and one in self custody. I will stay here and cooperate with the authorities but as soon as I can I will return to Deutschland. Until then I will follow my normal routine and grieve the passing of two of my colleagues. I truly will grieve for the loss of their souls which occurred long before life left their bodies.
I returned to my American home. It is modest for a CEO; 4000 square feet and four stories. It is quite nice and the only drawback is the large bus depot next door. There is significant noise in the early morning and late night as all the buses drive back in.
To balance the neccesary ruthlessness of being a CEO I have a self imposed orderly schedule. I keep to it quite tightly and it helps keep things calm and orderly in a chaotic world. My last item on the schedule before an eleven o’clock bed time is a jog to get me ready for bed. It is a small three kilometer jog and I do the exact same route daily. I always listen to the same music and only cross the road twice, once going out and once coming back, both are at the same spot.
I leave for my jog, Mozart in my ears and hear the familiar horn of bus 142; the bus driver is a good fellow, we get along well, and he almost always is there when I cross the crosswalk at exactly 10:28 pm. I barely look up at the horn and don’t notice him really; he always waves. This time though for some reason he is honking louder. I look up in time to see two bright lights then I see red as I feel a second of intense pain. Then nothing.


* * *

It was in the papers the day after. Three corporate CEO’s dead. To be honest even I was slightly surprised at how well it worked. The only way I can get information is through the newspaper. It is “for my own safety”. Well kinda. In truth I paid a Chinese firm to write those death threats for me. In a little while they will jointly win a Chinese lottery and no one will hear from them again. Well it worked and in another couple of days I expect to see a headline reading something like this, “Greg Zoltan wins Plutonium race under dubious circumstances”. I did it and it worked; there is no trace of me on this. The traps that sprung, sprung without a hitch. The ones that did not will not be found for months or years if ever. Even though not everything happened as I thought, well planning for every eventuality is worthwhile.
From what I gather from the article it seems that Greg’s killing of Carlos went exactly as planned. Since I was not sure who he would kill with the Cyanide I planned for both. When Greg was smart enough to not incriminate himself and the “Purple Nasty” was a nice touch. Once word was given that Greg had chosen Carlos my plan went into action. My “Mexican” drug dealers got Carl mad enough that he must have told someone about them as there was mention of “several suspects that can not be reached at this time” which is a long way of saying that they think the killers were not American. In truth they were two of my best intelligence employees who killed a couple of drug dealers who were going too likely plead on their knees for “Mister Rich American” to spare their street dealers. Thanks to them suspicion was not turned elsewhere.
The only part if this that I am not completely sure about is what happened that caused David to kill Greg. I anticipated that Greg may try to kill David as well, once you kill one person the next comes easier and Greg was not always the most stable of people. If Greg had killed David, I had a backup plan that involved "suicide" and a tell all note. Since he had been killed the letter will be burned and nothing will happen.
I am glad in a way that David was the last one because if it had been someone else the metal cutters in bus 142 that cut the breaks at exactly 10:27 would have been quite conspicuous and the remote ways of killing the others were not quite as innocuous or clean.
I work on a risk-reward system. If there was any risk I would not have acted. Having said that I was confident that with proper risk management there is little risk of personal damage. Even then it was a tough call as there is no assurance that the Platinum mine will turn out. All in all it should be easier for me without them around so the reward was high enough. Another thing that I must admit influenced me was the sheer boredom. There is no excitement in being a CEO and the brain power required is negligible. I cannot for the life of me comprehend how David was always so stressed! This took a bit of creativity and I am sure that more “opportunities” will present themselves for мертвый добыча. Although it can be interpreted as “Cold Mining Industries” another translation of мертвый is death.

austeane
10-27-2011, 01:19 PM
This was my first attempt at a real story... Is it too long to be a "Short story"?

Delta40
10-27-2011, 04:25 PM
This was certainly an interesting story and I don't think it is too long at all. As for the reading format, I suggest you put more paragraph breaks in the story. The format and layout can sometimes be the only deciding factor on whether the tale will be read! Harsh but I believe it is true. There is a tendency also to write in the past tense and then the present, which while I can follow it, it will be better if you make it one or the other. Perhaps some details simply don't need to be there either because they are uneccessary and they can slow the flow of the story. Otherwise, great imagination. I know that you're bound to receive more practical advice but this is a story that is worth tightening up and bringing to a greater climatic end. Don't be afraid to edit it before it sets in concrete (or platinum!)

Let me praise you on your first short story attempt and welcome you to Lit-Net.

hillwalker
10-28-2011, 06:51 AM
I’ll have to admit right away that the name Zoltan caused me to wonder were we about to enter some dreary fantasy populated by wizards and demons. But thankfully that was not the case.

So here goes, and forgive my pickiness… but I only go to such lengths if I believe the writing and writer deserve my full attention. Consider it a back-handed compliment that I found so much to say. This was a remarkable effort so I’ll treat it accordingly.

Section 1

Unfortunately having read beyond ‘Zoltan’ I did find the first 3 paragraphs deadly dull. There’s so much internalised dialogue (that confuses rather than intrigues) and far too much trivial detail. All those company names and their bids for instance – do we need to be told so much?
The same happens later where you ponder on the contents of the letter – questioning whether to act or not. Repeating the same thought process more than once. It does tend to clog up the flow of the plot.

The story only really begins to take off when the FedEx package arrives so it would make a far better opening scene – do we really need to know anything else before that point?
What little information that's relevant to the plot could be revealed a little more subtly as the plot unfolds.

Then you stall things again towards the end of the closing section by feeding us a great deal of biographical detail about the two prospective targets. It shows you have researched your characters in depth and come up with a plausible scenario – but telling a story is more than just authentication. It’s about momentum – plot development and character development rather than reportage. And that’s the piece’s main weakness in my opinion – it reads like the kind of short story a journalist would write. Sticking to the facts – and supplying as much information as possible in as small a space as possible. I suppose that’s one reason why I was never a huge fan of Hemmingway. Not enough emotional engagement.

Other points that sprang to mind on first reading -

Stylistically phrases like ‘no way in hell’ are rather corny. They never make the impact one might expect them to – the expression weakens rather than strengthens what you are trying to convey.

You might also consider rephrasing ‘2 in 1’ and ‘1 in 3’ - ‘2 against 1’ and ‘1 against 3’ would make more sense.

And as Delta has already pointed out - Inconsistency of verb tense is distracting, such as here where we actually have a choice of 3:

He actually wanted me to kill someone! Not only that, he wants me to kill a powerful CEO and rival! With cyanide! No way in hell I would actually do that right?

Section 2

– so many meetings. It’s like you’re employing delaying tactics to avoid continuing with the story. I appreciate you were trying to inject an element of tension into the story but the overall impression I got was that you were just filling a gap in the plot with irrelevancies. It also took me a second reading to realise the narrator had changed from Greg to Carlos!

So finally the Mexicans and that drink at Brennigen’s. This is where things get interesting - but the way you introduced everything leading up to that point came across as rather contrived. And I did manage to figure out he was going to end up drinking cyanide long before you spilled the beans by telling us his Purple Nasty tasted a little off. Of course cyanide destroys all the receptors inside the human body within a matter of seconds so he wouldn’t be screaming anything very much… but this is pulp fiction so you’re allowed some poetic licence.

Section3

Now we are being told things from David’s perspective – see, I am paying attention. But all too briefly we revert to Greg. So I’m not sure this interlude was really necessary. Telling a story from multiple perspectives can be effective in propelling the plot forwards but here it seemed more a case of keeping us on our toes than continuing with the story…

… which became a little too far-fetched at this point. Have you ever been attacked by someone holding a syringe? You need to convince the reader you have, and that David’s reaction is entirely believable. I felt he managed to overcome his attacker a little too easily… resolving matters a little too neatly by just happening to inject air into a vein during the struggle. Really? How convenient.

Then we're given more internalised dialogue – filler if you like because it does nothing to drive the story forwards. Followed by a description of his home and his routine. And finally… a road traffic accident?

Ok – by now you’re obviously having fun killing off your main characters but I began to realise I didn’t give a damn about any one of them because I couldn’t relate to them as real people. Probably because you’ve supplied each with a pocket bio but nothing else with which the reader can engage. Even their onner thoughts don't show us very much about them as flesh and blood personalities. They are each inter-changeable.

And the closing Section where Zoltan introduces himself as the arch-villain of the piece and summarises the plot before neatly tying up every loose end – it’s rather old-fashioned to say the least. Almost worthy of Conan Doyle or Agatha Christie.

You’re an extremely good writer and the work you have put into this is there for everyone to see. And I know there are people out there who will enjoy this story, not just for the way it was told (partly tongue-in-cheek I guess) but because they relish a good yarn. But I felt as if I had stepped into a time warp – never certain whether you were parodying pulp fiction writers from the 1940’s, 50’s and 60’s or were taking a genuine stab at writing something fresh and contemporary.

So, although it's not my particular cup of tea it's an impressive effort especially if it really is your first attempt.

I’ll look forward to reading more of your stuff on here. And no – it wasn’t too long for a short story. Anything between 2,000 and 5,000 words is palatable to most readers on here. And lots of paragraph spacing makes things easier to read on-screen.

Good luck

H

austeane
04-29-2012, 09:18 PM
Sorry for necro-bumping my thread but these critiques have been incredibly helpful in developing my writing style and I never got a chance to respond to this thread.
I wrote and submitted that story in grade 11 so I hadn't even begun to find myself as a writer and it would be a stretch to suggest I have gotten much further in the year since I wrote it.

Most of the things that you commented on, I had not even considered and just looking at things from more perspectives has been helpful.

Concisity (if that is even a word) has always been my problem, especially in academic writing.

My only guide on writing this story was that it had to contain en medias res.

I definitely could have found a way to begin the story better...

One thing I will try to improve on is not spoon-feeding the reader everything... Let him/her make up some of what the character is thinking instead of spelling it out.

I really made an effort to make the story sound plausible and that is a reflection of the frustration I feel when reading implausible books/movies. When something can't exist within its own rules, whatever those rules are (it could be harry potter or historical fiction, as long as it abides by its own rules). I did break that rule with the syringe thing though....

I am new to writing and thought it was a good idea to give your characters some background but I may have gone overboard...

I have never really written a story with good character development, I still need to learn that skill... And handling the momentum/authentication balance is still a work in progress. I have actually thought the phrase "no way in hell" and imagined that my character would as well in that situation but twice is overkill definitely.

Agree with the "against" part.

I feel that in some cases there have to be jumps in tenses but that was unnecessary and distraction.

I didn't feel like it was delaying as much as fleshing out and authenticating but I see what you mean.

Haha there actually IS a drink called purple nasty... I guess that wasn't so subtle eh?

I agree that the fight-scene was the low-point in believability...

The description of the home and schedule shows his flaw and how Zoltan was able to exploit it (as we find out in the end).

I did feel a bit agatha christie-ish there, killing off everyone, but that was Zoltan's master plan and it was necessary to accomplish his objective.

Again, I have to learn about character development...

I like it when a story is self-contained everyonce in a while.. I like loose ends and having to guess at the real ending and all that but when it happens in every single story, sometimes I wish they would just tell us everything every once in a while.

I wasn't cognizant of writing era's or styles or being contemporary, I just wrote.

I appreciate the criticism and the compliments! Your critique helped me grow as a writer, I haven't had much time to write but when I do, I will post it here.