Gnossienne

[DieterM]

My lover tosses on crumbled sheets,
breath flavoured with sleep and sweet dreams.
My naked skin wears the night like a light coat.

Satie piano tunes drip in the dark,
pentatonic pearls of knowing and melancholy,
cautious tears dropping from the moon's eyes.

The sleepless city, rippling outside,
shines up into the clouded sky.
Broad, black pine-trees sway down below;
if ever I jumped, their tops would cushion my fall.

I feel grounded, complete, my senses at peace.
My lips pray a silent thank-you to
whoever, whatever…

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter,

You do know that Satie was big on "Furniture Music" don't you? He effectively invented muzak as he believed that people should choose their sofas to the perfect soundtrack ;)

I like your poem a lot but S3 L1 needs a tweak I think. Possibly because you were trying to keep the stanzas of equal length you've crammed rather a lot into this line, and I'm afraid it doesn't read as well as it could, "...ocean shines..." doesn't work for me, although the idea you're trying to convey with it is rather nice. Personally, I'd prefer to see it worded thus:

"Outside, the ocean of the never sleeping city
shines up into the clouded sky."

However, the simpler solution woud be to just drop, "ocean."

There is another potential flaw in the last verse, where you say,

"I feel round and complete..."

In context we know what you mean, but the image it conveys to this reader is that you feel fat ;) also I feel that the "rounded off" and "complete" thoughts are kind of tautologous, one or the other, perhaps but not both.

I think it might be better to say:

"I feel grounded, complete, my senses at peace"

Best.

H

[DieterM]

Thanks Hawkman, as always, your suggestions are very precious and help me to correct or edit some minor flaws. I think the "never sleeping city ocean" can be replaced by what I came up with here ("the sleepless city, rippling ouside"); the rhythm is much better this way, and still there's a hint of the city as a wide ocean.

Best to you.

[blank|verse]

A nice little night piece, this one, Dieter, but with a few bumps as it stands.

Can you get away with your lover 'tossing' in bed? It carries connotations of a rather more crude kind. But also 'tossing and turning' in bed is a cliche, so I'd avoid it altogether for both those reasons.

However, I love the image of 'wearing the night' (but why change perspective to the narrator?). I'd consider opening with that line, perhaps something:

My lover wears the night against her skin

And I found this image way too abstract to work effectively:

pentatonic pearls of knowing and melancholy
(Also, 'thank you' is not hyphenated.)

The only other thing is personally, I would favour all tercet stanzas; it's a thoughtful reflective poem, which deserves being expressed by the poet through his control of form.

[cafolini]

I found this one a nice little poem. If not concrete, it implies concreteness at every step. It ends well, showing your are pleased and pleasing as a person. I wouldn't pay much attention to displayed formalities about this poem. Make the readers cooperate with the writer.

[Hawkman]

Hello again Dieter. While I would reluctantly have to agree with b/v vis the cliched nature of tosses when coupled with sleeplessness, I wouldn't necessarily concurr with the implications of ribaldry from the use of the word, although it would be possible if one were so minded. However, to anyone who habitually thinks in terms of riskee double entendres, it probably wouldn't matter too much what one said here in order to generate some sort of smutty snigger. ;)

I personally knew exactly what you meant by "pentatonic pearls of knowing and melancholy" as it's meaning is perfectly set up by the reference to Satie and his music. I do agree though that it is a shame to break the tercet format, and I did indicate in my earlier post how this could be maintained without belabouring or over-burdening the stanza in question. However, it is your poem and if it says what you want it to say then fair enough. :)

Live and be well - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree with all the complimentary things that were said about this poem but want to point out that "crumbled" should probably be crumpled and the lines about the trees cushioning your fall if you were to jump has no reason or antecedence in this poem where you seem to be celebrating a happy experience.

[DieterM]

Dear b/v, cafolini, Hawk and Prince, thank you all for your comments and suggestions. If anything, they showed me that the image I wanted to reproduce hasn't been entirely received the way I wanted to (except the overall impression of serenity). Entirely my own fault, of course; I had something precise in my head but that got somehow lost on the way from my brain to my fingers working the keyboard keys ;-)

Therefore, I worked on a new version – and definitely broke the tercet format as it felt too compelling. Yet, there's a new harmony (4-3-4-3) that allowed me to say what I really wanted to say. Of course, I kept the Satie-piece as the music referred to has been my main inspiration (and has led to the title, by the way; and I gather Hawkman knows it very well, even gave us some historcial pieces of information I didn't know). As a matter of fact, when I listen to Satie's "Gnossiennes" (a word derived from the Greek "gnosis" which means reaching the knowledge of God by experience or revelation), the music is so simple and self-evident, so beautiful, somehow sad, somehow filling me with joy… and that brought up the image of someone serene sitting in the dark next to his lover and gazing over the city by night and feeling how immensely happy he is.

Best to you all (and do try to listen to Satie; I'd be very satisfied if you liked the music as much as I do).

[DieterM]

Sweet lover, rest on a pillow of trust,
breath flavoured with sleep and safe dreams.
I sit here and watch over you,
my naked skin wearing the night like a light coat.

Satie piano tunes drip in the dark,
pentatonic pearls of knowing and melancholy,
cautious tears dropping down from the moon's eyes.

The sleepless city, rippling away outside,
glows up into the clouded sky.
Broad pine-trees sway in the gardens below;
their tops seem to dance with the dark.

I feel grounded, complete, my senses at peace.
My lips pray a silent thank you to
whoever, whatever…

[Hawkman]

This is an improvement I think Dieter, but I wonder if the first line might not be better as

"Sweet lover, rest on your pillow of trust," Although there is a degree of cloying senimentality in "Sweet lover." I don't really think you need to spell this out and the line would work better without it, I think.

The indefinite article seems too detached from the intimacy of the moment and your would seem to lead more smoothely into breath.

S3 L4 I'm not sure about "seem to" as for me it detracts from the magic of the moment. I feel it might be a more powerful image as "their tops dancing with the dark." Of course if you chose to adopt this suggestion then you would need to replace the semicolon at the end of the previous line with a comma.

As always, these are only suggestions.

Live and be well - H