Trapped

[serenity185]

I slowly opened my eyes white light flooding in. For a moment I was blinded by its strength where was I? As my eyes adjusted to the light I noticed a figure standing in the background watching me with penetrating green eyes. It was leaning against a door caked in rust and dirt, as if we were the first visitors here for a long time. "Who are you" I shout? No reply. I notice that there is no light outside the door just darkness and when I say darkness I don't mean the kind where you turn off the light but a perfect blackness. It hovered there like a animal *waiting to swallow me up.
*
I decided to stand up but I found myself shackled to a metal chair. As I try to break the shackles on the chair the figure in the doorway begins to walk towards me. "You don't want to do that!" His voice rolls out in a deep growl with more than a little menace. "And why not I say indignantly?" "Because I'm in control now and I don't want the party to stop, the only reason your still here is so your body stays alive". At this point I'm more than a little confused "But I'm here, which means I'm in control!" For a few minutes there is silence then suddenly "What you see here is merley a representation of your body! You Thomas are trapped in the deepest most darkest part of you mind"!
*
I had heard about this sought of thing what do they call it? Schizophrenia that was it for some reason my mind had split into two parts and the other half was now in full control. But why had this happened? I desperatley tried to think as my brain was became sluggish slowly turning off again. Then it hit me like a train head on, my wife of twenty years had left me two weeks ago. I had sat in my bedroom for days afterwards and then I found out I had lost my job. It must of been too much in my then fragile state of mind. Somehow the trauma had must have caused a breakdown and now I found myself trapped me here. The question was could I escape and stop this doppelganger who had taken over my life? Then blackness swept over me!
*
By Josh Gibbens

I apologise for any typos or spelling mistakes. I appreciate all feedback and use it to improve my writing. Many thanks Josh.

[hillwalker]

A couple of pointers to help you improve this :

Dialogue -
It's normal in a written story to start a new paragraph whenever someone new starts to speak (a bit like lines of dialogue in a drama). It makes it easier for the reader to work out who is speaking - and besides, lots of short paragraphs spaced apart are easier to read on-line.

The tense of the verbs -
Your story begins in the past tense ('opened my eyes' - 'was blinded') - so the reader knows you are describing something that has already happened and you are reporting the fact at a later date.
But then suddenly you switch to present tense - describing events as if they are happening now ('the figure in the doorway begins to walk' - 'His voice rolls out').
Then you switch back to past tense - all very confusing. When telling a story it's best to be consistent and stick to one or the other.
Past tense is generally easier to handle - although present tense can make a piece seem more immediate because it's as if we are watching the story unravel in real time.

Plot -
The first two sections were quite promising (although your interpretation of how 'schizophrenia' presents itself is wide of the mark - it's not the same as having a split personality). The sinister figure hovering at the doorway is a little hard to picture - is it human or animal? Perhaps you need to flesh it out more - otherwise it's not especially scary.
And the closing section seems to have been rushed - as if you were trying to tie up the loose ends and explain everything neatly. It didn't feel part of the story - and there's just too much happening to make it seem real in any way. His wife walking out on him, losing his job, brooding in his bedroom. It's not a very original plot development and left me feeling let down rather.

If you're looking to take this further I would suggest you concentrate on the narrator's feeling of despair. Don't explain too much - let the readers work things out for themselves as they begin to realise he is in a hotel room grieving over his troubles rather than in some dungeon being held captive by a supernatural being.

As for typos etc. - a couple stand out that need putting right if this is to make some kind of sense :

I had heard about this sought [SORT] of thing...

It must of [HAVE] been too much...

Somehow the trauma had [-] must have caused a breakdown and now I found myself trapped me [-] here...

I'm hoping you enjoyed writing this. Keep at it, but also read as much as you can in order to learn how to pace a story. It's important in a suspense story that the tension is allowed to build - and doesn't become clogged up with internalised dialogue (the thoughts of the person telling the story) constantly slowing things down.

Finally - you'll get more readers (and possibly more feedback) if you post stuff like this on the 'Short Story' thread.

Good luck

H

[Delta40]

There is no better person to give a full critique than Hill. He has pretty much covered everything and I especially agree with his point about past and present tense. I tend to use the present myself but it is only through preference and as Hill says, it has more immediacy.

This is definitely a short story and given the nature of the topic, you could really flesh this out into something quite nightmarish and off the planet.

Consider a re-write and post it in short stories.

Keep writing :-)