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View Full Version : A wildflower walks free



FozzieFunk
10-03-2011, 09:43 PM
The small 4-walled house is silently deterioating. The fruits of labor
peacefully rotting away. An alter crafted to glorify it's creator,
fallen to ruins. the carpenter lay strewn across the bed, asphixiated
within his mind. A flask, nestled between his parted lips signals the
dawn of a new era. His wife watches in dispair as he remains silent,
tossing and turning from the litany travelling on her breath. No
amount of shaking or shoving can move him from his slumber. She is
chained to him by intangible bonds. No amount of shaking or shoving
can move her from her stupor. Her fingers clench, pulsating with the
rythmic thumping of her heart. Tightening around the feeling of
freedom, she rose slowly. Approaching the carpenter of her life, she
intended to take back the blueprints. The floorboards creaked and
crumbled their vow of silence as she approachd his limp body. She
thrust her freedom deep into his chest. The carpenter remained silent,
never again to force his will unto another, left with nothing but the
gates of hell. She wiped the shame from her freedom, dropping it
behind her as she slipped out through the mangled doorway into the
night.

hillwalker
10-04-2011, 06:21 AM
One assumes there's a great deal of metaphor at work here, but it's not clear how she breaks free. Does she kill him?

There's also a distracting change of tense throughout the piece - present > past > present > past. It's important you remain consistent in how you choose to tell the story otherwise our attention is likely to wander.

Some original expressions (as well as one or two typos) - interesting stuff...

H

Buh4Bee
10-04-2011, 07:59 PM
I love this short little piece.

These short lines convey so much by saying so little. It's good craft!

Approaching the carpenter of her life, she
intended to take back the blueprints. The floorboards creaked and
crumbled their vow of silence as she approachd his limp body. She
thrust her freedom deep into his chest.

The metaphor is clean and makes the reading of the horror easy to stomach. Seems like you may like to write horror.