The Swamp Fox

[FozzieFunk]

we went a hunting for the she-boar
to tear her with our teeth
biting at her pulsing jugular,
we stripped her to her feet

fondling her fragrant fur
we smiled amongst ourselves
her pelt was felt
to be weighted like that of gold

her carcass smelled of damp earth
and desperation lie still on her breath
her reign was finally ending
by the bringers of righteous death


Im really interested in hearing what people have to say about my amateur poetry, be it a criticism, a commendation or an analysis.

[Buh4Bee]

I like this as a metaphor for pursuing things or people that deserve to be conquered or controlled, because their reign is oppressive.

Who is doing the hunting? Animal or man? To fondle her fur as valuable felt implies man, but to bring her down by the jugular implies animal. Maybe this is a metaphor for something much more graphic than a hunt- like the rape of a woman. In that case, I find the theme repulsive.

[FozzieFunk]

Man is but an animal and the world is his defenseless prey. I wanted ambiguity to serve as a means of creating many different views from different angles essentially saying the same thing. Rape. It really could symbolize a rape of resources. The modern man views the world as his butler to serve and accommodate him. Man sees the world as bestowed upon him by the gods and therefore can do no wrong to it. We are damning the world to a "righteous death"

This is in no way the only way of interpreting it at all. That is by design.

[hillwalker]

I'm not going to comment on the subject matter since you've already covered that, but a few thoughts :

we went a hunting for the she-boar - why a-hunting? It makes it sound rather jolly when you're presumably aiming for something more sinister

we stripped her to her feet - difficult to picture (were you aiming for a half-rhyme for 'teeth' in line 2? If so you'd have been better not bothering)

her pelt was felt - a very weak line and the mirrored internal rhyme sticks out like a sore thumb since there's none elsewhere in the powm

felt/to be weighted like that of gold - rather a clumsy expression as well.

and desperation lie still on her breath - the verb doesn't agree with the noun (should be 'lies') - but you've also changed the tense of the verb from past to present in this line. Why?

her reign was finally ending/
by the bringers of righteous death - shouldn't that be 'ended by'? and why is her death 'righteous'? It rather contradicts the moral of the 'story'.

An original piece of writing and it has many redeeming features. With some tinkering you could easily could make this a better read - and perhaps some rephrasing here and there might also help.

H

[symphony]

I can see the word "righteous" befitting the poem as the narrator comes across as the man who thinks it righteous to "rape" nature's resources. But for the rest I agree with hillwalker's post. I felt some of the lines (as pointed out by hill) could be made more... expressive. The images were quite strong, but the whole poem just didn't come across as strongly for me, and I think that's because of the overall structure/orientation of words/phrases.

[FozzieFunk]

A little revision, I really enjoy the comments from you guys. I take the time to look a little closer at my poetry.

We went out hunting for the she-boar
to tear her with our teeth
biting at her pulsing jugular,
stripped bare beneath her feet

fondling her fragrant fur
we nodded sighs of gold
exchanging sinister handshakes
rejoicing as foretold

her carcass smelled of damp earth
and desperation still lingered on her breath
her reign withered in a wisp of smoke
by the bringers of their righteous death

[hillwalker]

It's definitely better... you might look at ways of dispensing with rhyme as you spread your wings some more. It's rarely helpful when you start writing poetry and can often be a hindrance to clear expression.

H

[Buh4Bee]

Man is but an animal and the world is his defenseless prey. I wanted ambiguity to serve as a means of creating many different views from different angles essentially saying the same thing. Rape. It really could symbolize a rape of resources. The modern man views the world as his butler to serve and accommodate him. Man sees the world as bestowed upon him by the gods and therefore can do no wrong to it. We are damning the world to a "righteous death"

This is in no way the only way of interpreting it at all. That is by design.

I quite agree that the poem leaves the door open for numerous interpretations. It's a good poem for that simple reason.

IF I were a feminist, I'd say more, but I am not.