Untitled

[Bar22do]

Your departure tarries
in the small hours' haze -
like air clings on to dust, or
grass to a river bank.

Sharp breaths pull against
your folding lungs,

warily, my fingertip draws aside
a wisp of hair
from your cracked lips,
when an icy stream sweeps along
a sketching thank you -
and all around fades.

[MystyrMystyry]

This line:

air clings on to dust

seems to describe the over all effect of this little number

You've captured a moment - or fleeting hour - in a way that has a persistence in memory, a feeling that at that period it all belongs together, everything is connected and dependent on (yet independent of) everything else.

There's a Spring-time quality to it Bar22do, sort of like being there and being aware that it can't last.

[osho]

Sounds arresting! You have done it marvelously with your use of words that can catch up passing moments. Everything passes and we have things to pas away and we are here to give way in this endless game called life.

I too write poetry and that is why I like your poem, the stuff I wish I were able to write. Maybe I will have to go a long way and I need craftmanship and that does not come naturally and you have it and that makes you a good poet

[symphony]

Poetry, for me, lingers like your moment here. It's hard for me to ever comment effectively on a poem. Because my reaction to most of the poems is something on a level that I can't explain. And yet that is the reason I read/write poems, because I go to poetry for the unexplainable. Poetry does not explain, only expresses. And this one had beautiful poetry, Bar.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There's mystery in this* but the reticence of your diction persuaded me to be grateful for what was revealed.

* E.g. why are his - or her? - lips cracked? The immediate assumption is from a long session of kissing each other.

[Bar22do]

Thank you MM, Osho, Symphony and Prince for your interesting comments that I'm afraid have revealed to me it must be a very bad poem since none of you understood it was about last moments and death of someone close N accompanied.... to tell I even thought I was too obvious! (folding lungs, cracked lips, icy stream sweeping..., all around fades...). Is my mind too compressed, my English so bad, my imagery cryptic?????... hmm...

I'm still glad you found something to appreciate in it and a drop of poetry for your eyes...

Thank you all,

discouraged Bar

[Bar22do]

Poetry, for me, lingers like your moment here. It's hard for me to ever comment effectively on a poem. Because my reaction to most of the poems is something on a level that I can't explain. And yet that is the reason I read/write poems, because I go to poetry for the unexplainable. Poetry does not explain, only expresses. And this one had beautiful poetry, Bar.

Your words bring me much comfort, symphony! You have a great, generous way of approaching poetry and are lenient with mine. Thank you so much. Bar

[Delta40]

You've captured beautifully a snapshot in time here Bar. Eloquent yet painful.

[MystyrMystyry]

Don't be discouraged Bar22do. I got the death aspect on the very first reading, but the second and third revealed more and different depth (admittedly I was over-tired and posting my comment was the last thing I did before turning in)

Why this: 'I intended it to be about this, therefore it is only about this' attitude?

You should know that the best poems work on multi-levels, and meld into the subconc - being multi is a good thing

[Bar22do]

Don't be discouraged Bar22do. I got the death aspect on the very first reading, but the second and third revealed more and different depth (admittedly I was over-tired and posting my comment was the last thing I did before turning in)

Why this: 'I intended it to be about this, therefore it is only about this' attitude?

You should know that the best poems work on multi-levels, and meld into the subconc - being multi is a good thing

You're right about the attitude, of course, poems should offer freedom and be multi-layered. If mine achieve that goal here and there, some of the layers may not be intended or controlled, I'm afraid, though perhaps just as well... donno.
My constant insecurity re my English makes me suspect I've twisted the syntax or got something wrong just because of influences/idioms coming from another language... a mine field, in short.

But I'm glad you heroically read this through at least three times, MM! and that you found some depth. You're a treasure.

ah, and btw, I called it "untitled" because I didn't want to influence (while hoped the context would tell of death as the first layer...). This adds to your point that the intention was to let the reader read as he/she wanted...

[Bar22do]

You've captured beautifully a snapshot in time here Bar. Eloquent yet painful.

oh, and Delta, thank you.

[blank|verse]

A heartfelt and moving poem, Bar, about the final moments of someone's life, being cared for by the narrator.

However, I must admit on first reading I also thought the departure was less serious than it transpired. I wonder if the 'grass to a river bank' image is a bit too pastoral and maybe could be replaced with something that guides the reader to a darker region, so to speak. (But I see that it foregrounds the 'icy stream' later in the poem.)

I also thought the 'air clings to dust' phrase was strong and again has connotations of the poem's subject - one talks of 'clinging to life'. I notice the poet keeps herself (or 'I' at least) out of the poem; 'my fingertip' performs the action, as if in spite of, or at a distance from the narrator herself, who perhaps is finding it difficult to accept or deal with the scene she is witnessing, which I think works effectively.

I'm not sure 'all around fades' is quite strong enough to end the poem, but this is a difficult subject to write about, so I don't have a major problem with it, in what is an honest and emotional poem.

[Haunted]

Thank you MM, Osho, Symphony and Prince for your interesting comments that I'm afraid have revealed to me it must be a very bad poem since none of you understood it was about last moments and death of someone close N accompanied.... to tell I even thought I was too obvious! (folding lungs, cracked lips, icy stream sweeping..., all around fades...). Is my mind too compressed, my English so bad, my imagery cryptic?????... hmm...

I'm still glad you found something to appreciate in it and a drop of poetry for your eyes...

Thank you all,

discouraged Bar


Bar, not true. The first time I read it I thought it was about the departed. The language has death written all over it. Then I read it again and I still sense the dying breath. I've been there before, and you successfully put it into words which I couldn't. So you indeed succeeded and you should be proud. The only thing that escaped me is "a sketching thank you", but it's my own weakness, not yours.

[kittypaws]

My Friend....
Here is what I took from your poem...

You have suffered the lost of someone who means much....and I think he/she loved nature ~ your reference to river banks. Perhaps I am off there....but you touching the cracked lips means to me cold...very cold....

I hope this is not a *real* poem as that would be very sad. The "icy stream sweeps along" to me reads the final lost of that person's love and that is why you thanked them. Thanked them for loving you.

Just my read....I would like to say I enjoyed it but it did make me sad as death always does.

Bar~ you did good!

kittypaws

[Bar22do]

Sorry it took me time to thank you Blank, Haunted and Kitty, I was a sick for a while.
Glad you picked up "air cling to dust", N's withdrawal and others... I learn more from your comments than from my own efforts to write...!
Thanks Haunted and Kitty for your encouraging words and positive feedbacks.

Thank you all a lot. Bar

[Bar22do]

Ah, and BlankV, you're right "grass to a river bank" is not the best image. I'll have to think of a better one.. thanks for pointing that.
As for "all around fades", hmm... I had an image in my mind of all around suddenly losing colour. Will ponder... thanks again.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I learn more from your comments than from my own efforts to write...!

In an essay I read on TS Eliot, he was quoted re "The Waste Land" that half the time he didn't even understand what he wrote. The tricky but often thrilling aspect of writing is, for me, trusting your intuition when you aren't absolutely sure you understand what you yourself have written.

It's somewhat like falling in love, no? 9/10 of it you can justify and explain, but it's that remaining 1/10 that provides the oomph!

[Bar22do]

In an essay I read on TS Eliot, he was quoted re "The Waste Land" that half the time he didn't even understand what he wrote. The tricky but often thrilling aspect of writing is, for me, trusting your intuition when you aren't absolutely sure you understand what you yourself have written.

It's somewhat like falling in love, no? 9/10 of it you can justify and explain, but it's that remaining 1/10 that provides the oomph!

Well said, Eliot. Thanks Prince for quoting. I should practice more the "automatic writing" to better free the intuition. But who knows in what language it would express what I may have to say...
But, re falling in love, I would rather say 1/10 can be explained and it is "oomph" for the 9/10... :nonod:
Best and thanks again Prince,
Bar