A REALLY short story (78 words)

[krymsonkyng]

I'm gunning for a short story contest and was looking for a little help in making it better. It's a mere 78 words long, but the goal is to communicate some bigger picture. Here's my snapshot:


Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff.

When Esperanza wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures. When she wants more canvas, she rolls her own. If she's out of ideas, Esperanza scrawls nonsensical patterns until each smoke carries a surprise: each pack, a shuffled visual playlist.

She only recently began sharing these personal fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend.


My question is this: How may I improve the ending? Give it more punch, more of a lasting impression? I've got a great character with a great quirk, but she needs a way to use this quirk to make the jump from an anecdote to a story.

(sorry about the link, btw, forgot about that rule... It shouldn't happen again. I would have said never, but I'd rather keep the mods on their toes)

[zoolane]

Sound great so far but no ideas at moment. I am struggle to write myself.

[hillwalker]

I'd say you need to find a killer closing line - a particular message she wrote on her boyfriend's cigarette that leaves a lasting impression on the reader...

As for what that line might be that's for you to work out.

h

[krymsonkyng]

A message for her boyfriend may be just the idea I'm looking for! Thanks a million Hill, I now have a more clear direction to take.

[Delta40]

I find the numerous sentences starting with 'she' distracting if that is any help.

[krymsonkyng]

That is a help. Thank you. I wanted to use repetition to focus on her, but I think I'll shift things around a bit for the next draft.

[krymsonkyng]

Here's the newest:

Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff.

When Esperanza wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures. When she wants more canvas, she rolls her own. If she's out of ideas, Esperanza scrawls patterns until each cancer stick's a fortune cookie: each pack, a shuffled visual playlist.

This morning's camel carried a surprise, an unknown love poem. Last night, Michael swapped cigarettes with Esperanza.


Better? Worse? Cheeeeeeeeesy?

[hillwalker]

Better in that we get to learn more about Esperanza...
but 'an unknown love poem' is rather a let-down and it switches the focus to another writer - presumably Michael, who hasn't been introduced until right at the end.

I know 78 words doesn't give you much scope to develop a plot. It's a shame you can't mention Michael's relationship with Esperanza earlier and make her latest message to him more potent... something along the lines of 'I'm late' or 'I'm expecting'...?

H

[Delta40]

I think your latest post holds more interest. As the reader I want to know more about Esperanza (great name) but as Hill says, her relationship with Michael needs to be outlined. Keep writing. I really enjoy your efforts and potential.

[krymsonkyng]

Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become love notes for her boyfriend.

When Esperanza wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures. When she wants more canvas, she rolls her own. If she's out of ideas, Esperanza scrawls patterns until each cancer stick carries personal artwork.

This morning's camel carried a surprise. In red it said, "Will you marry me?"

===
How's this? I want to break up Ranza's routine and I figured a nice surprise buried in the pack would be best, so I mentioned she shares with her boyfriend early in, and had him pop the question through the device. It's kind of a cop out, kinda sweet, and I'm not sure if it's got the punch I'm looking for for the amount of words I can spend.

[Delta40]

It's fine but do you see that its part of a larger story which you must write?

[hillwalker]

It's a better ending - not a cheesy cop-out in my opinion. But the reader needs a clearer signpost that this particular note is from Michael.

H

[krymsonkyng]

Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become love notes for her boyfriend, Michael.

When Esperanza wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures. When she wants more canvas, she rolls her own. If she's out of ideas, Esperanza scrawls patterns until each cancer stick carries personal artwork.

This morning's camel carried a surprise. "Will you marry me?" read Michael's handwriting.

---
There we go. How's that for clarity? Also, thanks a gajillion for bearing with me as I hash this out.

[hillwalker]

Da-dah!

Good luck with your entry.

H

[Trever J Bennett]

The first post was the only good one, and it was very good. You just changed a tension-filled portrayal of a talented girl with trust issues for her boyfriend, as she warms up to a potential let-down into a lame "the notebook" story. I came in here, read the first post, was about to applaud you on a movingly great piece, something I'd hope to see developed into something bigger, and then I read how easily you let someone talk you into making it cheese. The changes are lame. Your first post was brilliant.

[krymsonkyng]

Delta40- I think I will write a bigger piece on this premise. 20 cigarettes to a pack right? ;)

Trever- Harsh, but I see your point. My original goal was to describe an interesting character, and I think I nailed that, but the purpose of the contest is to tell a story. There isn't so much a conclusion as a cliffhanger in that first one. Now, I like tension, and I'd love to hook someone right, but my last contest entry was enough of both for me to want this to have a happy ending (without being saccharine) instead of my usual tricks. The version below feels like the best yet, but I'm still feedback crazed, so please no one pull any punches.

---

Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become wishes on her boyfriend's behalf.

When Esperanza wants more canvas, she rolls her own. When she wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures.

Esperanza recently began sharing these fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend. Soon after, he proposed marriage but with the condition that instead of smoking, she confide in him.

[hillwalker]

Ooh-err..

I know you're not going to want to hear this but personally I don't like this last one - the concluding paragraph comes across as if an impartial observer is reporting the progress of their relationship some time later rather than a natural continuation of the story. It sounds too neat and tidy - and too impersonal.

You can end on that same note but I think you need to maintain the style of what has gone before. The final bit is 100% telling rather than showing - I guess you know what I mean.

H

[krymsonkyng]

I see what you mean. It's less of a knock out punch than a swift summary of the future to come. Maybe the below version is the solution?
---
Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become wishes on her boyfriend's behalf.

When Esperanza wants more canvas, she rolls her own. When she wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures.

Esperanza recently began sharing these fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend. They smoke together, trade cigarettes, and dream the future over a slow filling vase of ashes.

---

No demands, just give and take meshed with burnt out dreams. Sounds like a hopeful ending to me (mas esperanza por favor?) without being a life changing deus ex out of left field. I especially like the vase as a parting image of the future, but with more love involved than an urn. Like a happy version of this song: (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SgViGtBxoZk).

[hillwalker]

Better - perhaps 'trade messages of love/lust' (or something similar) rather than 'trade cigarettes'??

H

[Trever J Bennett]

Delta40- I think I will write a bigger piece on this premise. 20 cigarettes to a pack right? ;)

Trever- Harsh, but I see your point. My original goal was to describe an interesting character, and I think I nailed that, but the purpose of the contest is to tell a story. There isn't so much a conclusion as a cliffhanger in that first one. Now, I like tension, and I'd love to hook someone right, but my last contest entry was enough of both for me to want this to have a happy ending (without being saccharine) instead of my usual tricks. The version below feels like the best yet, but I'm still feedback crazed, so please no one pull any punches.

Yeah because you've never read a good story that ends with a cliffhanger.



Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become wishes on her boyfriend's behalf.

When Esperanza wants more canvas, she rolls her own. When she wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures.

Esperanza recently began sharing these fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend. They smoke together, trade cigarettes, and dream the future over a slow filling vase of ashes.

You took all the drama and mystery out. All of hillwalker's suggestions were for you to add things that he probably could have imagined himself from the first reading. All this is is exposition. You are telling me exactly what is happening and what has happened. This makes it even less of a story and more of an introduction.

Look, I know I'm wry and harsh but I know what I'm talking about and your first entry is far more likely to win anything than any of your other, muddied edits. Yes it's good to edit and revise, but know that you are doing it based only on some random person online's opinion. And here's an equally random opinion, and it can't stress enough that you're making the wrong decision.

Put the original next to the new one and read them both.

[blank|verse]

I'm a bit late to this one, krymson, but as someone who writes more poetry than prose, the concision of this piece has a certain appeal.

For what it's worth, I feel you need more specific details that ground the story in time and place. For example, why not have her steal her boyfriend's cigarettes each night, so when he wakes and has the first smoke of the day, there's a message waiting for him?

As it stands, (and like Delta) I think you're wasting too many words with repetition of the first paragraph 'She…. She….' etc. Commas (or semi-colons, but they're a bit fussy here, I think) will do the job more succinctly. 'She writes prayers, jots cheesy jokes….' Or even something like: 'Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. Prayers. Jokes. A stick of dynamite like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon' or whatever. Cut, cut, cut!

I'm also not keen on the name 'Esperanza' – at four syllables, it's too long; in fact is the joint-longest word in the whole story. A quick bit of Wiki-ing suggests some reasons why you've chosen it, but does it have to be 'Esperanza'?

I would also like to see more engagement with form as the piece is so short. For example, as the story is about a cigarette slowing burning to the stub, maybe you could consider making the story one long sentence, to reflect this. You'd have to be pretty clever with the syntax, but it's that kind of additional skill that would put you above other writers.

Maybe you could switch perspective to the boyfriend (third- or first-person) and set the scene of how his girlfriend scribbles on his ciggies, before he finally unveils the latest one, which has a special message – but just what that is… well, good luck tiptoeing through the minefield of clichés! She's pregnant? She's leaving him? She's found out he's screwing someone else? Boom! Sorry, think I just lost a leg there….

I think not having such a 'punchline' ending would be a good thing, but you have to choose very carefully. Either way - good luck!

[krymsonkyng]

Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff.

When Esperanza wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures. When she wants more canvas, she rolls her own. If she's out of ideas, Esperanza scrawls nonsensical patterns until each smoke carries a surprise: each pack, a shuffled visual playlist.

She only recently began sharing these personal fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend.

VS.


Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. She writes prayers. She jots cheesy jokes. She draws dynamite so the fuse ashes shorter with each puff. Some become wishes on her boyfriend's behalf.

When Esperanza wants more canvas, she rolls her own. When she wants revenge, she makes voodoo caricatures.

Esperanza recently began sharing these fortune cookie cancer sticks with her steady boyfriend. They smoke together, trade cigarettes, and dream the future over a slow filling vase of ashes.


Unless you absolutely love colons, the only real difference is that the boyfriend makes more of an appearance in the second than the first. Their relationship gets 3 lines out of 9, versus the original 1/9. Also, I dropped the "nonsensical" patterns in favor of more concrete examples, more solid images (the vase). It gives the main character context, and presents several possible futures. They're together now, and happy (or at least trusting), but will that remain so? I think there's enough ambiguity in the latest version for an imaginative reader to bring their own spin to Esperanza within the provided context of the story. I took some of your advice and went for a feel that's closer to the original, but I'm not about to return to what I feel is an inferior version.

Also, I'm not making changes solely based on advice from the forums. I've shown this to a few of my peers (who I respect and whose work I enjoy) and received feedback in the same vein: The first is a great image but more of a singular image than a series or a story. It was pure characterization, with only the barest thread of context. I'm glad you brought an open imagination to it, but the contest is about presenting a memorable story, not demanding a reader (especially a judge who reads maybe 100+ of these flash pieces a day) construct one surrounding a lone character.

Either way, the die is cast. I submitted a modified version of the latest on the 7th. Luckily this contest has a pretty quick turn around: results come out the 15th. Thanks to everyone who helped me bang out the kinks. Wish me luck!

Edit: Blank, You ninja! Let me read your post and see if I need to edit my latest.


I'm a bit late to this one, krymson, but as someone who writes more poetry than prose, the concision of this piece has a certain appeal.

For what it's worth, I feel you need more specific details that ground the story in time and place. For example, why not have her steal her boyfriend's cigarettes each night, so when he wakes and has the first smoke of the day, there's a message waiting for him?

As it stands, (and like Delta) I think you're wasting too many words with repetition of the first paragraph 'She…. She….' etc. Commas (or semi-colons, but they're a bit fussy here, I think) will do the job more succinctly. 'She writes prayers, jots cheesy jokes….' Or even something like: 'Esperanza takes a ballpoint to every cigarette. Prayers. Jokes. A stick of dynamite like in a Bugs Bunny cartoon' or whatever. Cut, cut, cut!

I'm also not keen on the name 'Esperanza' – at four syllables, it's too long; in fact is the joint-longest word in the whole story. A quick bit of Wiki-ing suggests some reasons why you've chosen it, but does it have to be 'Esperanza'?

I would also like to see more engagement with form as the piece is so short. For example, as the story is about a cigarette slowing burning to the stub, maybe you could consider making the story one long sentence, to reflect this. You'd have to be pretty clever with the syntax, but it's that kind of additional skill that would put you above other writers.

Maybe you could switch perspective to the boyfriend (third- or first-person) and set the scene of how his girlfriend scribbles on his ciggies, before he finally unveils the latest one, which has a special message – but just what that is… well, good luck tiptoeing through the minefield of clichés! She's pregnant? She's leaving him? She's found out he's screwing someone else? Boom! Sorry, think I just lost a leg there….

I think not having such a 'punchline' ending would be a good thing, but you have to choose very carefully. Either way - good luck!

I really wish I'd read this sooner. The repetition was originally meant to show how personal the habit is to Espy (and yes, I chose the name in an attempt to duck an explicit cliche in favor of a slightly more subtle one. I toyed with naming her Whiskey, Em, or Cecily but opted for a latina in the hopes that it'd double as description), but with the introduction of a second character those words could have been better spent elsewhere, like in grounding details surrounding the trading of cigarettes. The trade's the key point to the whole story and it gets little more than aside in favor of the vase's image. It's open exchange (of ideas and habits) where she used to keep her personal hopes to herself.

As for the form, had I read your suggestion way earlier I would have gone for a short opener, a longer middle, and an embersome closer: like a cigarette. As it is now I think it's top heavy, and that's a little disappointing, but not disheartening. I think I'll revise it further (using your suggestions) and submit it to a flash fic mag if It doesn't make the contest's cut.

[BoonetheAiredal]

krymsonkyng, I have to say I like the first one best of all. Filling out the end gives too much away, especially when 78 words are all you have.

I wrote one for Esquire as well. My attempt:

September

Fat tick on a skinny dog. Bourbon and ice lay exhausted in a sweating glass, pulverized concrete waiting in the air. A slight quarter ring of water where the glass once was mirrors a crescent moon. Flesh pale, the moon mimics finger tips gripping the rounded edge of a paint worn chair, a not quite closed eye that can do nothing but watch. The tv, on all day, is muted behind sliding glass doors. Not nearly quiet enough.