The little monkey

[Lamarq]

Hi,

Im not sure whether this is a poem or a short story, im not sure if its anything reallyl, but i'll just share it.
----

I walked down a dark and narrow path, i found myself in front of someone standing in my way,
he was slow, there was no room for two, he was fat, i was faster, i killed the f*cker and went on.

Further down the path and after having my shoes recolored by several slow fatasses,
i found myself standing in front of the biggest f*cker ever.
This dumb f*cker wanted to go the other way. The wrong way.
After screaming at each other to no avail, i just headbutted the ugly motherf*cker,
he apparently got the same idea, f*ck my life, our heads smashed again and again,
i would not lose to this trash, headbutting always works.

That stupid f*cker, my body was bleeding and hurting all over, i fell and could barely move.
I remembered my grenade and thought, hey, at least i could take this f*cker with me,
he's not gonna walk over me, hell no, not with me!
So i let go of the grenade.
My body burst into pieces, like in some perverse kind of goulash festival,
carnival of flesh, who are you - i ate you, flesh and blood decorating the air,
mixed with thousands of small bloodstained pieces of glass, mirroring everything that once was me.

Being the pile of crap that was left of me, i wondered,
how the hell did he escape?And where the f*ck did all this glass come from?
F*ck this sh*t, i should have had a bigger bomb.

[Delta40]

I think the use of foul language has its effect unfortunately in this story, it loses its power through overuse. I also don't see the reasoning in it, apart from being angry and bloody, it lacks plot. I think you could better channel what you want to get out in a more structured, interesting way. Space it out a bit, give the reader some insight into the character etc. Welcom to Lit-Net and keep posting.

[hillwalker]

I agree 100% with Delta - the aggressive language doesn't convey anger or nihilism because it's so overdone. It's more like a really bad joke. It displays a depressing lack of imagination on your part as the writer that you rely on shock tactics like this to get your point across. As for your writing skills, it's difficult to comment from this piece alone since you seem to have made a really poor choice in subject matter and style.

You don't even make an attempt at telling a story. From what I can make out the narrator doesn't like anybody so he kills them all. Are we supposed to find that amusing? Or disturbing? Personally it left me wishing I'd spent the time it took to read it doing something else... anything else...

It's neither a poem nor short story by the way - more like a draft for an idea for a rather sick computer game. It reminds me of the 'Itchy and Scratchy' cartoons on 'The Simpsons' - a tongue-in-cheek attempt at debunking violence in society (except in this instance I don't think you were trying to be funny).

Better luck next time - I'm sure you can come up with something more interesting.

H

[Lamarq]

I agree 100% with Delta - the aggressive language doesn't convey anger or nihilism because it's so overdone. It's more like a really bad joke. It displays a depressing lack of imagination on your part as the writer that you rely on shock tactics like this to get your point across. As for your writing skills, it's difficult to comment from this piece alone since you seem to have made a really poor choice in subject matter and style.

You don't even make an attempt at telling a story. From what I can make out the narrator doesn't like anybody so he kills them all. Are we supposed to find that amusing? Or disturbing? Personally it left me wishing I'd spent the time it took to read it doing something else... anything else...

It's neither a poem nor short story by the way - more like a draft for an idea for a rather sick computer game. It reminds me of the 'Itchy and Scratchy' cartoons on 'The Simpsons' - a tongue-in-cheek attempt at debunking violence in society (except in this instance I don't think you were trying to be funny).

Better luck next time - I'm sure you can come up with something more interesting.

H

Yea, after reading your comments, im pretty sure now.
I should have used more foul language, this wasnt enough.

And no, this wasn't supposed to be a poem or short story, so thats okay if it doesn't hit those criteria.
Its a type of metaphoric analogy, a parable suggestion a psychological and sociological problem in humanity, its written this way because it reflects the thoughts of the narrator.
I never like to present a message on a silver plate.

[Lamarq]

(double post)

[Delta40]

Yea, after reading your comments, im pretty sure now.
I should have used more foul language, this wasnt enough.

And no, this wasn't supposed to be a poem or short story, so thats okay if it doesn't hit those criteria.
Its a type of metaphoric analogy, a parable suggestion a psychological and sociological problem in humanity, its written this way because it reflects the thoughts of the narrator.
I never like to present a message on a silver plate.

I didn't pick up any psychological or sociological angles in this piece. This is a story that has no obvious meaning, even between the lines and despite being told by two members that your power is lost through using too much foul language, you think it needs more.

Everyone has their own unique style and voice. Nobody is saying you have to present a message on a silver plate but your writing should draw the reader in, simply because if it doesn't, nobody will read your stuff!

[zoolane]

Maybe re- written in way you want but instead of use foul language which put many readers off. Try use the language and tone to get your story across.

[hillwalker]

I think this poster is aiming for irony - choosing an obnoxious style as a metaphor for the narrator's view on contemporary society. The fouler the language the stronger the metaphor.

But as Delta says, no one who enjoys original. exciting writing is going to waste time reading such contrived, self-important material.

H

[Lamarq]

I didn't pick up any psychological or sociological angles in this piece. This is a story that has no obvious meaning, even between the lines and despite being told by two members that your power is lost through using too much foul language, you think it needs more.

Everyone has their own unique style and voice. Nobody is saying you have to present a message on a silver plate but your writing should draw the reader in, simply because if it doesn't, nobody will read your stuff!

"this is a story that has no obvious meaning"
I agree completely.


I think this poster is aiming for irony - choosing an obnoxious style as a metaphor for the narrator's view on contemporary society
Indeed.


But you might both have been right, ive avoided a few unnecesary foul words now, which gave space for something else.

[cafolini]

"this is a story that has no obvious meaning"
I agree completely.


Indeed.

Acually, Lamarq, you are getting a lot of attention out of a story that is supposedly useless.

[Lamarq]

Acually, Lamarq, you are getting a lot of attention out of a story that is supposedly useless.

Oh my.
Are you saying stories are useless just because theyre stories?Or are you suggesting that this story especially is useless since it has no greater meaning or message?