Final Reflection

[AsianGuy1137]

Challenge - try to write something personal and poetic (whilst rhyming as well).

Result -

Today is a day that I cannot save
From falling behind the path I tried to pave
The hours will pass, the daylight will fade
Trapped in a cage of the mistakes I’ve made.

I try to resist, I try to escape
To break free from a cage that I cannot break
I gasp for more time, gasp for more breath
For a final reflection before I am greeted by death.

I lie in the wake of the twilight’s gleam
Of shattered hopes and dying dreams
Is this the life I had sought to lead?
Is this the end I deserve to reap?

No picture lasts a thousand years
No word lingers for all to hear
No trademark leaves any lasting marks
All will fade and be left in the dark

What does it matter what brands I wore?
What does it matter if I was rich or poor?
If I worked at an office or a grocery store?
Are these the things worth living for?

Will my actions speak loud and resonate?
Did I truly live life before it was too late?
Will my life be recorderd or be remembered
Or simply burn away like a dying ember?

I look to the rosebud that blooms today
Delighting in the present while it may
But old time will come and go, a-flying
And the flower will wither, depart, a-dying.

I too will soon fade into the earth
As I have been fading since the day of my birth
For we are passing like a gentle wave
Out to the sea, into the grave.

Is it good? I want your honest opinion. Unless it'll make me cry. I'm very sensitive.

[hillwalker]

Is it good? In parts yes - very good. In other parts no.

Some of the verses work better than others and that's partly due to how the rhyme interferes with what you are trying to say.

The opening verse for example is dreadful because the second line is so clumsy and doesn't make a lot of sense. If you hadn't burdened yourself with the need to maintain a rhyme I'm sure you would have followed that first line with something quite different.

Another problem is that once you decide to use rhyme you have to be consistent - pairing words like 'escape'/'break' and 'lead'/'reap' highlight your failure to find the right word. Rhyme is difficult to master and it's not often a good idea to rely on it when beginning to write poetry.

Another problem with rhyme is that certain phrases always end up together because so many poets are too lazy to look for an original rhyme - 'twilight's gleam'/'dying dream' for example have probably been used in countless other poems so they don't really bear your hallmark. You're recycling someone else's cliches rather than giving us something personal to you.

Having said that I did like verses 5 and 7. It's just a shame that you have chosen this particular challenge instead of just writing something personal and poetic without the rhyme. That would be far more honest and much more interesting to read.

But thanks for sharing this - and if I have driven you to tears then there's another experience for you to write a poem about.

H