Delta40
09-25-2011, 05:47 PM
'Do you want sugar in your porridge or salt?' This morning, it is the hardest of questions. Down to the last lid of oats and half a cup of milk, I know there will be no breakfast tomorrow. Little Josh, crashing his trucks across the table has no idea and continues to make 'bam, boosh' sound effects.
'Josh! did you hear me?'
'Sugar Mummy.'
One teaspoon is sprinkled on the microwaved glug and I leave the bowl near his trucks till he is ready to eat. In the bathroom, I start working the toothpaste tube from the bottom up, hoping to get a smidgen of spearmint so he can brush his teeth before school.
In the main room, Barry is still asleep. The deep snoring sounds filter out into the hallway, along with the smell of alchohol. He staggered in at 2am and collapsed next to me mumbling something about what a ***** I am before passing out. When I checked his wallet this morning, there wasn't one coin in it. Another night at the casino.
'Can I have more sugar?'
'No. It isn't good for your teeth.'
Ever since he was laid off at the scrapyard, Barry has spent alot of time drinking and gambling. I used to think he needed this outlet to give him some dignity but frankly, its a poor excuse when you've got a wife and child to support. There's so little food in the house that unless I apply for a food voucher, nobody will be eating dinner tonight. There are some soft crackers and hard cheese that will do for Josh's lunch. After that, nothing but rice.
I look at my face in the bathroom mirror and feel a surge of anger. We deserve better than this. Josh idolizes his father and for what reason I have no idea. It isn't as if he sets an example for the boy. By the time Josh gets home today, Barry would have gotten up with an aching head and dry mouth. I don't want to be here then because I'm the target of his rage when eggs, bacon and mushroom aren't served up for him like any king of a household would expect.
The toothpaste comes out and Josh has gobbled down his meagre breakfast.
'Come brush your teeth son then get dressed.'
Yesterday I used washing up liquid to do the laundry. Josh is a good kid and does as he's told. We go through the routine of proper teeth brushing and I try to make a fun game out of it. He doesn't need to feel the weight on my shoulders.
'Is Daddy going to get a new job today?' He spits and rinses, while I comb his hair.
'Perhaps. What sort of job would you like him to have?'
'Oh a truck driver. Then he could take me all over the country and I would help him unload his truck at the docks.'
What an innocent imagination. Enough to almost bring a tear to my eye.
'I tell you what. You get your bag packed and when Daddy wakes up today I'll tell him to find a job just like that ok?'
Josh jumps up and down as if he just got a present and races into his room to look for his bag.
Barry calls me into the room. I hate the smell but it doesn't matter to him.
'Tell that f ucking kid to keep it down. I'm trying to get some peace here.'
I shut the door and take Josh into the kitchen with his bag so I can pack his small lunch.
'I wish we could have MacDonalds for dinner.'
I ruffle his combed hair and smile affectionately. 'I wish we could have ice cream for dessert as well!' I love how oblivious Josh is to our financial troubles. I feel like he is somehow protected and yet, it breaks my heart too.
I kiss Josh at the door as his friend walks up and wave to them both to have a good day.
Inside, its silent. The man I married won't rise for a few hours yet which will give me time to ring a few charity organisations to see if I can get an appointment for help. I drink tea without milk and flick through the white pages writing down numbers, counting out the few coins I have for busfare and resenting Barry for doing this to us. I've tried to talk to him but his ego is so bruised after being laid off that he is only interested in nursing his own pain. Something tells me I have to tread carefully now he is like this. Last week when I lost it, he slapped me and walked out. I feel his pain too you know but it isn't making any difference at the moment.
Maybe he will get a job today. A wish and nothing more I realise as I hear him grumble as he turns. He isn't healed yet. I write down the last numbers before going to my neighbour to ask if I can use their phone.
Hopefully by the time Josh gets home, I will have some food on the table.
'Josh! did you hear me?'
'Sugar Mummy.'
One teaspoon is sprinkled on the microwaved glug and I leave the bowl near his trucks till he is ready to eat. In the bathroom, I start working the toothpaste tube from the bottom up, hoping to get a smidgen of spearmint so he can brush his teeth before school.
In the main room, Barry is still asleep. The deep snoring sounds filter out into the hallway, along with the smell of alchohol. He staggered in at 2am and collapsed next to me mumbling something about what a ***** I am before passing out. When I checked his wallet this morning, there wasn't one coin in it. Another night at the casino.
'Can I have more sugar?'
'No. It isn't good for your teeth.'
Ever since he was laid off at the scrapyard, Barry has spent alot of time drinking and gambling. I used to think he needed this outlet to give him some dignity but frankly, its a poor excuse when you've got a wife and child to support. There's so little food in the house that unless I apply for a food voucher, nobody will be eating dinner tonight. There are some soft crackers and hard cheese that will do for Josh's lunch. After that, nothing but rice.
I look at my face in the bathroom mirror and feel a surge of anger. We deserve better than this. Josh idolizes his father and for what reason I have no idea. It isn't as if he sets an example for the boy. By the time Josh gets home today, Barry would have gotten up with an aching head and dry mouth. I don't want to be here then because I'm the target of his rage when eggs, bacon and mushroom aren't served up for him like any king of a household would expect.
The toothpaste comes out and Josh has gobbled down his meagre breakfast.
'Come brush your teeth son then get dressed.'
Yesterday I used washing up liquid to do the laundry. Josh is a good kid and does as he's told. We go through the routine of proper teeth brushing and I try to make a fun game out of it. He doesn't need to feel the weight on my shoulders.
'Is Daddy going to get a new job today?' He spits and rinses, while I comb his hair.
'Perhaps. What sort of job would you like him to have?'
'Oh a truck driver. Then he could take me all over the country and I would help him unload his truck at the docks.'
What an innocent imagination. Enough to almost bring a tear to my eye.
'I tell you what. You get your bag packed and when Daddy wakes up today I'll tell him to find a job just like that ok?'
Josh jumps up and down as if he just got a present and races into his room to look for his bag.
Barry calls me into the room. I hate the smell but it doesn't matter to him.
'Tell that f ucking kid to keep it down. I'm trying to get some peace here.'
I shut the door and take Josh into the kitchen with his bag so I can pack his small lunch.
'I wish we could have MacDonalds for dinner.'
I ruffle his combed hair and smile affectionately. 'I wish we could have ice cream for dessert as well!' I love how oblivious Josh is to our financial troubles. I feel like he is somehow protected and yet, it breaks my heart too.
I kiss Josh at the door as his friend walks up and wave to them both to have a good day.
Inside, its silent. The man I married won't rise for a few hours yet which will give me time to ring a few charity organisations to see if I can get an appointment for help. I drink tea without milk and flick through the white pages writing down numbers, counting out the few coins I have for busfare and resenting Barry for doing this to us. I've tried to talk to him but his ego is so bruised after being laid off that he is only interested in nursing his own pain. Something tells me I have to tread carefully now he is like this. Last week when I lost it, he slapped me and walked out. I feel his pain too you know but it isn't making any difference at the moment.
Maybe he will get a job today. A wish and nothing more I realise as I hear him grumble as he turns. He isn't healed yet. I write down the last numbers before going to my neighbour to ask if I can use their phone.
Hopefully by the time Josh gets home, I will have some food on the table.