Indian summer Sunday morn

[DieterM]

8 a.m. and teeth unbrushed…
City desert, cars asleep,
pigeons coo on dusty asphalt
and the dog sniffs in the gutter.

High above, a pallid sky;
with each step, some dried leaves crackle;
on the pavement, someone’s vomit
like a weekend booze-up keepsake.

No one walking down this lane,
just me and the dog, alone
with the orange light on buildings
that for once look new and fair.

Oblique sunrays, red and golden,
make the windows blink and glow.
In the distance, walls rise up,
cleansed and floating in the haze.

On the way back, we go past
a Chinese woman who’s unlocking,
with a bang and clang, the shutter
of her little grocery store.

And I’m thinking about coffee…

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter. I think S1 is the weakest here but it could be improved by losing and from the first line or alternatively you'd need a full stop at the end of it. As it is essentially a list a few more commas would help. Punctuation is the biggest problem with the poem as it affects the meaning of what you've written.

eg S2:

"High above, a pallid sky
with each step, some dried leaves crackle
on the pavement, someone’s vomit
like a weekend booze-up keepsake"

If you put this into a sentence I think you'll see what I mean about the way it reads.

"High above, a plalid sky with each step, some dried leaves crackle on the pavement, someone's vomit like a weekend booze-up keepsake."

try:

"High above, a pallid sky.
With each step some dried leaves crackle;
on the pavement, someone’s vomit
like a weekend booze-up keepsake."

If I might also suggest:

"No one walking down this lane,
just me and the white dog, alone
with the orange light on buildings
that for once look new and fair"

and

"On the way back, we go past
a Chinese woman who’s unlocking
with a bang and clang, the shutter
of her little grocery store."

But apart from these minor concerns, the images you have painted with your words are vivid and musical. Very evocative.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Thanks Hawkman (again, I should say)… I should drink my coffee before posting poetry here. And I should edit what I write too early in the morning ;-))