Share my writing

[paulone]

I want to share my writing with as many people as possible. Therefore I will publish my latest work as its written. Here is the first instalment. All comments, positive or negative, will be gratefully received.


The Birkeesh dilemma; dreams revisited.

A story that must be told.

Chapter 1

She stopped, swayed, listening for some obscure justification. Was this real, or a dream mocking her complacency. She didn't know, or even care! Only one thought entered her mind, the thought that she had avoided for too long. She feared that step, that ignomous step, not because it might be her last, but because it could end her journey. "Damn , damn damn!, her senses railed, fearing the vortex of despondency. Could one have ever imagined it would be so, she pondered, returning briefly to her time with the others. "What would they do"? "What would they say"? "Did they ever really care?". The vortex grew.



Rain lashed, gusts pillaging earth's autumn bounty. Cold, cold, cold, and heavy, like a pregnant swift. A capricious love indeed. Her mind wandered ,drifting to time within time, then time without time, then back. It was nice. If only Beckett had loved her as she had loved him. Did it have to be so? Perhaps. But it didn't really matter anymore. She had made her bed. Now she would sleep!

[hillwalker]

So far there's nothing here that would make one willing to read any further.

The ponderous title to start with is enough to set alarm bells ringing - pretentiousness taken to the extreme. A story that must be told? Why?

Then you spend two long-winded paragraphs suggesting the heroine is going through a difficult time - the dilemma presumably- but the tiresome internalised dialogue is irrelevant at this point because we don't know what any of it refers to. Nor do you provide much incentive to really care about her troubles.

My advice - cut straight to the chase. Don't waste our time with meaningless trivialities so early in the story.

Also - I assume you meant 'that ignominous step' (whatever that's supposed to mean.

And why on earth a 'pregnant swift'?

H

[Trever J Bennett]

A+ thread

[osho]

This small stylistically written piece absorbed me and for a moment I got swayed by your piquantly crafted style. That is how you can beautify or make your writing sexy and that is not the end of what we call good prose, is it?

With that said I enjoyed reading this piece that stimulated my erudite mind