Schizophrenia

[Cunninglinguist]

Do let us ogle at our ugly eye
Silently reflected in the glass;
And let me stare and see.
But I can only say I am, I was, and that I will be,
And, too, that I will pass:

And it’s growing worse from day to day –
You, I mean. Or is ‘t I? I cannot say –

For, I am sitting by the lake
And on the hill is sitting child and mother
Scrutinizing grains of sand between each finger -
Which fall, but echoes for a moment linger –
As down I reach to grovel up another.
And when they’re gone I count the freckles on my skin,
And wonder where the world ends and dreams begin.

-------------

Staring by the waterside;
Thinking by the waterside –
Yes, I think it’s odd
That I should be reflected by the properties of God.
Or that God has seen me, Or that I have seen
What might come, or might be and might have been.
And, no, it’s growing worse from day to day.

I cannot talk as Pendereckies play
Or as your mind is turning inside-out
While voices talk of all and yet the vote is none, save doubt.

I cannot play while Penderecki plays
Or switches to some Handel on the chord
Just before I fall asleep at night
To wonder soft dreams in dreams at that which might--------
So odd is it, because I sleep in days-----
And when they’re gone I count the freckles on my skin
And wonder where the world ends and dreams begin;
And, yes, it’s growing worse from day to day.

[Bar22do]

You may have meant Jan Paderewski, the pianist; Krzysztof Penderecki is a composer and a conductor, though perhaps for a schizophrenic like your N it doesn't make a real difference! But -

this detail apart, I love your poem very much, especially till the end of S4. I'd erase the hyphens and go on with the poem as unity and would rework a bit the last S.

I think your poem describes well identity and reality "problems" (as seen from the outside) or "complexity" (as seen from N's viewpoint), while it's pleasantly poetic and therefore an engaging reading! Thanks for that all. Bar

[Cunninglinguist]

You may have meant Jan Paderewski, the pianist; Krzysztof Penderecki is a composer and a conductor, though perhaps for a schizophrenic like your N it doesn't make a real difference! But -

this detail apart, I love your poem very much, especially till the end of S4. I'd erase the hyphens and go on with the poem as unity and would rework a bit the last S.

I think your poem describes well identity and reality "problems" (as seen from the outside) or "complexity" (as seen from N's viewpoint), while it's pleasantly poetic and therefore an engaging reading! Thanks for that all. Bar

Thank you for your kind comment.

I do mean Penderecki the composer.

Along with reality and identity problems, I made it a bit nonsensical or, at best, ambiguous, as to convey the effect the "world" (or the mind interpreting the world and itself) has for some schizotypics or schizophrenics.

Schizophrenia's defined as a disorder of the thought process, i.e. strange thought forms (such as having thoughts not consciously incited, thought derailment, blocking, etc.) and bizarre thought content, in other words, delusions. Sometimes one can lead to the other; for example, having thoughts not consciously incited may lead to a delusional belief of "thought insertion" and thought blocking may lead to a belief of "thought withdrawal". In my case (I hesitate to admit this), thoughts that apparently come from nowhere and that address me as "you" or "we" are manifest of some kind of psychological dissociation -- hence the "Is" and "yous" in the poem refer to the same mind, that is, my own.

Though I probably shouldn't edit it beyond (as you suggest) punctuation since I can't simulate the conditions under which it was written, I probably will anyway. Reading it now, I see that it would stand to any normal reader as dreadful nonsense...but that was sort of the point.

[Bar22do]

I didn't mean much editing, only a bit of tidying in the last S. As it is, the poem is not at all a "dreadful nonsense"; on the contrary its ambiguities are interesting, as is the whole thought process you capture, so deftly. Btw, I did understand the dissociation, it was clear. The world of a schizophrenic or a schizotypic is a many layered mind perception; incredibly rich at times, unfathomable for the "normal"; though, with some patience, the "normal" can touch upon this complexity if he/she is able to observe and listen.

Anyway, don't edit it too much!

I enjoyed your poem and felt privileged to participate in your creative process (and what it unveiled for me!) - thanks a lot again. Bar

[Delta40]

You ask the reader to step into the world of schizophrenia and you have done this well. I particularly like the repetitive cycle of counting freckles on the skin and wondering where the world ends and dreams begin and 'knowing' that the condition is getting worse.

[Hawkman]

Cunning one, this is great fun and for the most part reads with strong rhythm so the moments where the rhythm stumbles stand out a bit. Many of them can be eliminated with contractions, for instance, in S1 L4 I'll, rather than, "I will".

S3 L2 should read, "And on the hill are sitting child and mother"

I'd also agree that the lines of hyphens add nothing to the poem and that it should be allowed to flow more freely as a free-wheeling internal monologue.

I enjoyed this a lot.

Live and be well - H