The Wordsmith

[DieterM]

I'm writhing on the dried up soil,
a snake biting its own tail,
my unheard cries of anguish crush
against the walls of your dispassion

Within the cage of my despair
my naked truths are naught to you,
the laptop screen scratched by my quill
an icy skin where circles bloom

My hammer strikes on bloodstained words
set on the anvil of my heart,
the rain of blows to shape the tale
rings through my vacant head

I am the mason of my world,
the lighthouse to my hopes,
I am my God and my religion,
which is the hardest load of all

And deep inside, the ancient fear
that I might end up in my flat,
unread, unwept; a lonesome cat
gnawing my bodily remains

An old clock ticking hours away,
and somewhere on the world wide web
two eyes still staring at you, eyes
which are not even mine…

[Hawkman]

Hi Dieter, Nice to see you posting again. For the most part I really like this poem: the anguish of an unpublished scribe is presented well and with originality.

In S4 L2 I don't think you need the own. It's a beat too many in the line and sort of tautologous anyway.

The last stanza has a couple of problems though. Firstly, why combine what is effectively two seperate stanzas into one? it would work as two and maintain the pattern. The other snag is in the 3rd line of the stanza. The way it is worded and punctuated it reads as if the Narrator is afraid that he'll die in his flat, unread, unweapt (which is ok) but also be a cat, (which isn't). You see the line reads as a list and with it all being on one line it reads oddly. There are two remedies which will fix this. You can either put a line break after unweapt and make the next line "a lonesome cat gnawing on my bodily remains" (I added on to maintain rhythm) or just put a semicolon after unweapt so the reader separates the image of the cat from the image of the dead author.

I like this one though, it has some great images:

"the laptop screen scratched by my quill
an icy skin where circles bloom"

I think is my favourite.

Live and be well - H

[DieterM]

Thanks Hawkman - you're faster than my publishing the thread! As always, your pieces of literary advice prove extremely precious. Iw as afraid the image of the cat would come across rather oddly, and imagine what? I didn't even think of a semicolon! How silly can you get, I ask you! And don't ask me why I melted the two last stanzas into one whereas my original Word document doesn't show any such an extravagancy (is this last word a word or have I just badly translated some French? I gather I'd need a vacation…) Thanks again for reading and (so helpfully) commenting! Best to you from Paris, D.

[Hawkman]

You're welcome Dieter, :) give my love to the City of Light. H