My Memory, and Others

[BobbyIce]

A time, the other day
My peers, family, and I,
A few specimens of the Hominidae
Traveled together to one place, on high,
To Celebrate

We chose a cabin lodging
One of many past ideas along the river shore
They were scattered, bare, and modeling
The touch of that nature thing we like,
Never had we, maybe, never before.

The river, and it's vassal shore, are splendid,
We expect to rod and reel, harass the water
Our hooks and nets in fury, cannot be against, defended
Father took it upon himself to bring the polls, his desire as a martyr
He forgot them, and he has never pretended.

The fish I did not detain for water boarding took my smile
And also the frantic pacing of my dad to attempt to think
My eyes cast exactly One mile
Up at the clouds, my fathers future precinct
I looked down and around the river for a while.

I can see the blue life until the rocks,
That tend to blind the road ahead,
Had made my gaze into ticking, broken clocks
Suppose I was dead,
Just beyond those rocks.
Suppose my father,
Juat beyond those rocks.

Is there a thing out in the wash?
The wind pours over the velvet, sparkling leaves
I wonder in my Hole, what is the cost,
Of having a memory thing, that never leaves
Maybe value is in my beautiful hat I lost,
Does what was never here, never leave?

[PrinceMyshkin]

Your profile cites Georgia as your home but is that the state or the former part of the USSR? The latter, I'm guessing because your use of language is not always idiomatic, though you use it with flair; but it isawkward in places, especially when you seem to have been enslaved by the choice to makesome lines rhyme/

[Delta40]

I particularly like the last two stanzas but I too felt the awkwardness in places and feel you have limited yourself through rhyme and this poem especially needs free flow, like the river itself. It was however vivid enough to make me want to be there!

[hillwalker]

I agree with the previous posters that the lines you have inserted or twisted to maintain rhyme let this poem down...

For example Verse 3 begins wonderfully but you have been forced to stand the third line on its head - which makes it almost incomprehensible - and the fifth line is unnecessary (and again makes very little sense - 'never pretended'??).

The last two verses although again a little clumsy in places, are intriguing and show you have an original voice.

My advice, let your words flow like the river and discard the anchors of rhyme for they will drag you down.

H

[BobbyIce]

Thanks everyone for taking a look at the piece, I appreciate it alot, and I'm beginning to see some obvious flaws that I can correct for the future. I understand the work becomes quite clunky because of the rhyme scheme, I'd like to still be able to incorporate one without enslaving the language to a dry and pre-meditated affinity. I'm from the state Georgia, I can become robotic at times with language, but at other times I overdo my imagery, I suppose I'm trying to find a happy medium wherein I can express myself at the optimum level. Again, thanks for the comments.

[Delta40]

I suppose I'm trying to find a happy medium wherein I can express myself at the optimum level. Again, thanks for the comments.

I have no doubt with continued writing, you will do just that.