Landing

[Bar22do]

This plane has been long in the air -
moons become suns, unfailing.

There, beyond my tiny window,
islands like comedones
on the blue sea face.
Foggy dresses of towns
and airports:
frenzied ant-hills.
On occasion, green
chequered fields in a spring's tail.

I've been involved in things
more by delegation than by contact,
have never fully touched the ground,
blistered feet on a rocky path,
burned in desire, leaned on a crutch
moaning of age;
or rather, I did, but as if
viewing someone else's film.

Sometimes I’ve proven helpful -
that happy tree,
colourful on a white paper sheet
by a little boy, free at last
from some Cormoran's grip.

Sullen mind stores, of
papa drunk at home; me, leaping far out –
dizzy of insomnia, vaporizing.
My brother is a long time coming from war,
I take refuge in reading,
pick up Auster’s last things from the floor
and muse, hearing a requiem…

The world narrows at my window,
it smells of earth.
I wear a body for the first time and I feel,
but “fasten seat belts” lights up,
red and yellow, supplementing gravity.

My diaphragm lifts
as the plane descends.
I prepare to land and need to trust
it will be as natural as birth.

[Delta40]

What an interesting projection of images Bar. I've read it several times and can't quite wrap my head around it except that I was particularly struck by S4 as if you haven't actually lived or something and landing is a metaphor that has a much deeper meaning. Always a joy to read your work.

[Bar22do]

Thank you Delta. :)

[Haunted]

Great descriptives. This line is so moving: "I finally wear a body and I feel". There seems to be many layers here and I don't know if I get it all or even get it right. But I can certainly relate to someone flying back to her birthplace, where it all begins: innocence, pain, loss....

[Bar22do]

Thanks Haunted. It was a running thought, still, with a definite order and causal relation between stanzas. Delta was right, the N never actually felt the life except a short time before "landing", i.e. too late.
But the loose writing here was an attempt to allow the reader to be taken where the reader felt the poem dragged him/her...

[BobbyIce]

I feel a narrative of ghastly reminscence here. Of a small fringe of regret, but more of a dark, perhaps morbid, critical introspection of ones own existence. Also, however, I'm reminded of birth. The fact that birth is such a dynamic and iconic event, associated with blessings as well as cursing makes me assign it to the piece when I read it. There are alot of references to isolated events and descriptions that seem ambiguous, but I think their place here is nonetheless important. They give the reader and narrator a sense of person while reading, the sense of touching the consciousness, and events effecting it, of another real being. I enjoyed the work, a bit mysterious at times, perhaps arbitrary for the reader, but I think your words and lines are well said and placed.

[Bar22do]

Thanks BobbyIce for the moment you spent pondering my poem as well as for your kind thoughts. With best regards, Bar

[blank|verse]

Sorry, late to this one, Bar. I think it's an outstandingly powerful and honest poem.

It reminds me of (a less profane) 'The Old Lad' by the contemporary British poet Glyn Maxwell, which is also set on a plane:

my eyes are holes, my heart is air, my knuckles shine.
Only God controls the Fasten Seat Belt sign
The setting is apt for your poem as a place above the world and provoking the passenger to consider her part in it, yet also one fraught with tension and anxiety, more so after the events of 10 years ago. Stanza 5's stream of consciousness gives us an effective insight into the narrator's troubled mind.

The mention of the abused boy reminds me of Simon Armitage's 'It Ain't What You Do, It's What It Does To You' (http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/simon-armitage/it-ain-t-what-you-do-it-s-what-it-does-to-you-2/) (sorry, best link I could find). In your poem, I think the description in brackets at the end of stanza 4 is a bit too direct; perhaps like Armitage, you could say where this incident took place, and let the reader work the rest out, rather than 'telling' so clearly. (Although even for me Armitage saying the boy has a 'wobbly head' sounds too crude and jocular.)

Just some little suggestions. I know English isn't your first language, but I think you should be careful with plural possessive phrases with apostrophes, ie:

islands’ cutting summits
Towns' foggy dressesparticularly when they're followed with stressed syllables, and when there are two close together, as they're quite lumpy phrases to speak.

As Haunted pointed out, 'I finally wear a body' is a strong phrase, and better than 'pain pours into every bit of me'. (See Glyn Maxwell's 'my heart is air' for an example of a more visceral metaphor of a similar experience.)

But those are minor issues in what is overall a very bold and affecting poem.

[Bar22do]

Thanks for this next instructive review, BlankV. I had the feeling you wouldn't like this one, so this is such a pleasant surprise!

S4 meant to be an allusion to N's successful carrier as a children psychologist (hence the happy tree drawn towards the end of his therapy by the abused boy).

I agree "pain pours..." is clumsy (the thing was to say that N finally can feel, but what N feels is pain). Now changed.

I was so sure I was the only one who ever used "fasten seat belt" in a poem!! ah, ah.

I will look more into Glyn Maxwell's poetry, the sample you offer is outstanding, as is Armitrage, of course. Much to learn from them indeed, but - I think I repeat myself - how on earth do you remember all these poems and keep them ready in your head to make a connection or to provide a link as soon as needed! Aren't you a genius... :smile5: I might work more on this one, but here is a revision:

(erased, pls see #1)

Thanks a lot again, Bar

[Bar22do]

or, perhaps? :

(erased, pls see #1)

[blank|verse]

Personally, I prefer the last version posted. But I think there has to come a time when the poet herself decides for better or worse that she is happy with one version and sticks with it.

I forgot to say that I thought the phrase about how the lights 'supplement gravity' is superb; and I think you are right to excise this section, which I found too abstract to work effectively:

my mass unfolds limbs,
these cede to void,

And thanks for your other comments as well, Bar. Alas, I'm not a genius, or else Faber & Faber would have tried to sign me long ago! :)

[Bar22do]

Thank you B/V for your kind reply:


Personally, I prefer the last version posted. But I think there has to come a time when the poet herself decides for better or worse that she is happy with one version and sticks with it. I AGREE, OF COURSE - IN THEORY. AND I'M GETTING THERE - SLOWLY... NOT SO SURELY I'M AFRAID.

I forgot to say that I thought the phrase about how the lights 'supplement gravity' is superb; THANKS A LOT.
and I think you are right to excise this section, which I found too abstract to work effectively:

my mass unfolds limbs,
these cede to void,

And thanks for your other comments as well, Bar. Alas, I'm not a genius, or else Faber & Faber would have tried to sign me long ago! 1/ HAVE YOU SENT THEM ANYTHING RECENTLY? 2/ I BELIEVE IT'S A QUESTION OF RIGHT CONNECTIONS FOR YOU TO MAKE THEM KNOW YOUR GENIUS EXISTS BEFORE THEY CAN ACCLAIM IT. IN THE FIELD OF MODERN PLASTIC ARTS, A FRIEND WHO WORKS FOR GEORGE POMPIDOU CENTRE IN PARIS HAS JUST TOLD ME TODAY THEY RECEIVE OVER 300 SUBMISSIONS PER DAY; THE EXPOSED ARTISTS ARE FIRST OF ALL THE LUCKY CHOSEN (CONNECTION, FASHION, SPECIAL TECHNIQUES...), NOT NECESSARILY THE BEST. :)

Best of all, Bar