Sun-Baked

[Hawkman]

The bowl of fired lakebed,
shattered by the impact of the sun,
crunches underfoot like shards
from broken hearts stained rusty brown,
as if by blood that
haemorrhaged unchecked.

The only moisture here
drips from the traveller’s brow
and he, beset by flies that feast on sweat,
walks this desert to their drone,
a ghostly figure, always pacing,
merging with the silver-shimmered air.

He vanishes from sight,
swallowed by that transient mirror,
leaving tracks that weave their path
through scattered bones
until he is as they;
dried out, bleached and empty.

[PrinceMyshkin]

What strikes m in paticular here is the calm, patient expositon of the scene, counterpointed with that bleak, pointed final line.

[blank|verse]

Yes, it's evocative stuff, Hawk. I can't help think the 'broken hearts' simile is one too many in the opening stanza (and also melodramatic); the ground as a shattered earthenware bowl works very well as it is, and is much stronger.

I found 'beset' a bit archaic, a bit Biblical; but maybe that's appropriate here. And maybe you could have slowed the pace for the reader. Shorter lines; more punctuation; more stress-heavy words. Make them feel the heat as well. As it stands, each stanza is also a single sentence, which is a bit quick, I think. Just a thought.

[Hawkman]

Thanks Prince :)

Thanks to you too b/v. I know what you're saying with the hearts bit, but it needs something there and I liked the assonance with shards and hearts. I didn't want to use pots as it would over-egg the earthenware analogy. I shall think on. I could hear you whispering in my ear when I wrote beset, but I ignored you - lol. I also expected you to pull me up on "until he is as they." Gramatically correct as it is, it does sound archaic to the contemporary ear.

I don't feel there is a problem with the single sentence stanzas though. I think they are sufficiently punctuated to guide the reader through them. I've read it aloud to myself several times and the pace works for me.

Still, thanks again for reading and for your observations, which are always welcome.

Live and be well - H

[Delta40]

Now that is a perfect description of the Australian outback! You travel miles in your imagination Hawk!

[Hawkman]

Thank you very much Delta. It was indeed one of the inspirations for this piece. Glad you noticed ;)

Live and be well - H

[blank|verse]

Thanks to you too b/v. I know what you're saying with the hearts bit, but it needs something there and I liked the assonance with shards and hearts. I didn't want to use pots as it would over-egg the earthenware analogy. I shall think on. I could hear you whispering in my ear when I wrote beset, but I ignored you - lol. I also expected you to pull me up on "until he is as they." Gramatically correct as it is, it does sound archaic to the contemporary ear.

I don't feel there is a problem with the single sentence stanzas though. I think they are sufficiently punctuated to guide the reader through them. I've read it aloud to myself several times and the pace works for me.

Still, thanks again for reading and for your observations, which are always welcome.

Live and be well - H
Yeah, fair enough. I think you're right in saying it needs some extra dimension that the 'hearts' reference brings; maybe just expressed in a different way.

And on the contrary, I liked the 'he is as they' line; I know what you mean, that it sounds a bit archaic; perhaps it sounds slightly more formal, but the rhythm and tone introduce perfectly the last line, which resolves the inherent question in the line.

Cheers. b|v

[Haunted]

I actually like the heart and blood imagery. Perhaps this is a life journey, dismal in a punishing environment? After blood sweat and tears, it's all just a mirage. And then he joins the bones of the forgotten dead. Very thought provoking.

[Hawkman]

Thanks again b/v :)

That's very perceptive of you, Haunted. I was endeavouring to use the image of a man walking the desert as an extended metaphor for a person's journey through life. The visual image of the Australian outback, (tinged with a spaghetti western or two) was the inspiration though.

Thanks very much for reading and for your comment.

Live long and prosper - H