Voices of the Poor

[Jassy Melson]

I

Yes, we are here,
like cold currents running through weak knees,
likre trying to suppress a sneeze,
you can never really kill us.
Though we've compromised our time away
and even cursed each other's face,
the spirit keeps turning.

II

The sword in your hand, the law of the land,
keep telling us to leave again;
we are strangers in our own homeland.
Yet nothing ever stays the same,
so perhaps this time the candles
will be allowed to burn, in their birthplace,
for a little while.

III

The jaqged edges of a million cities
stripped in all their nakedness
stab the landscape with a myriad of craters.
How much of the earth now resembles the moon!

[ucello]

All of the poem is poignant, but your last line just sums it all up... powerful angry writing. Good job.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you

[Hawkman]

Yes, this is a powerful piece. I thinkk there is weakness in S2 though:

"The sword in your hand, the law of the land,
keep telling us to leave again;
we are strangers in our own homeland.
Yet nothing ever stays the same,
so perhaps this time the candles
will be allowed to burn, in their birthplace,
for a little while."

In L2 of this stanza you don't need keep and again. I'd drop keep. In L5 the use of the definite article is slightly confusing. So far the poem has been written in the 1st person, but by employing the definite article you seem to switch to 3rd person. The effect is to abandon lament and switch to comment mid stanza, which I don't think works and confuses meaning. Perhaps, "...our candles will be allowed to burn in our birthplace..."

Still, a good read.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

Strong, meaningful reading for me! thanks a lot!

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you for reading it, and for the suggestions.

[Delta40]

Very forceful and the last line is superb.

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you

[ahsiam]

"we are strangers in our own homeland"
wonderful thought....

[Jassy Melson]

I think that is perhaps the strongest line in the poem.