AGuinivan
09-08-2011, 04:28 PM
Hi i am writing a short story and i need your help and criticism ! Please tell me what you think and how i could improve it! It is not finished and it needs and ending. Thank you .
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Joshua Middleton, a tall teenaged lad that wanted to find a new life and get away from the current one. The current world was filled with hatred,slavery and death. He sat crouched in an alley, it was nearly midnight.
"Where is Tom?"- Josh questioned himself. 'Tom'... Josh's newest case, was a superhuman that had escaped from the lab after not fitting the right criteria of raining death upon the lower parts of socioty. He was supposed to meet Josh in the alley, at midnight. When they met they only had one minute to make it to the Middle Grounds, they were protected by the black blanket of night. Midnight was the only time they could reach the Middle Grounds as it was when the guards swapped. Josh checked his watch. He should be here! Suddenly, Josh heard a noise, he turned around and put his hands up surrendering.
"Put your hands down" Said a voice. Within an instance Tom became visable. Josh didn't have time to talk, so he blurted out - "Let's go!" The Middle Grounds were only a mile away, and midnight was the only time Tom and Josh could escape to the middle grounds without being shot on sight. The Middle Ground was where everyone wanted to get over. On the other side was understood to be a world of equality. Thats is what everyone wanted. The non-existant government had made sure that all the people that were not needed, criminals and anyone they didn't like were put in the lower part. However the Middle Ground was land that was unoccupied due to fear. Noone had seen the Middle Ground before.
Tom and Josh took off running, running as quickly as he could manage, they still would never make it. However it was asif time had stopped. I could feel no air brushing through my hair. Time had stood still. I didn't notice that Tom was holding my hand with his eyes closed. He had stopped time. We carried on running untill we was at the bunker type wall. It was a low wall that was easily jumpable with the help of a superhuman. There was a strange noise and Tom fell to the floor.
"Im weak, I havent got enough power to keep using my powers". Now i saw why he had escaped the lab if everytime he used his power he would be so weak and useless. I looked at my watch, it moved to 12:01. Death roared through the city, making Josh rush and leaving him without an idea of what to do. The grounds were in sight. Josh picked Tom up and bundled him over his shoulder. The bright moonlight meant that the place had been lit up, just asif a light switch had been turnt on.
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AGuinivan
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Joshua Middleton, a tall teenaged lad that wanted to find a new life and get away from the current one. The current world was filled with hatred,slavery and death. He sat crouched in an alley, it was nearly midnight.
"Where is Tom?"- Josh questioned himself. 'Tom'... Josh's newest case, was a superhuman that had escaped from the lab after not fitting the right criteria of raining death upon the lower parts of socioty. He was supposed to meet Josh in the alley, at midnight. When they met they only had one minute to make it to the Middle Grounds, they were protected by the black blanket of night. Midnight was the only time they could reach the Middle Grounds as it was when the guards swapped. Josh checked his watch. He should be here! Suddenly, Josh heard a noise, he turned around and put his hands up surrendering.
"Put your hands down" Said a voice. Within an instance Tom became visable. Josh didn't have time to talk, so he blurted out - "Let's go!" The Middle Grounds were only a mile away, and midnight was the only time Tom and Josh could escape to the middle grounds without being shot on sight. The Middle Ground was where everyone wanted to get over. On the other side was understood to be a world of equality. Thats is what everyone wanted. The non-existant government had made sure that all the people that were not needed, criminals and anyone they didn't like were put in the lower part. However the Middle Ground was land that was unoccupied due to fear. Noone had seen the Middle Ground before.
Tom and Josh took off running, running as quickly as he could manage, they still would never make it. However it was asif time had stopped. I could feel no air brushing through my hair. Time had stood still. I didn't notice that Tom was holding my hand with his eyes closed. He had stopped time. We carried on running untill we was at the bunker type wall. It was a low wall that was easily jumpable with the help of a superhuman. There was a strange noise and Tom fell to the floor.
"Im weak, I havent got enough power to keep using my powers". Now i saw why he had escaped the lab if everytime he used his power he would be so weak and useless. I looked at my watch, it moved to 12:01. Death roared through the city, making Josh rush and leaving him without an idea of what to do. The grounds were in sight. Josh picked Tom up and bundled him over his shoulder. The bright moonlight meant that the place had been lit up, just asif a light switch had been turnt on.
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AGuinivan