A Late Night Walk

[aliengirl]

A Late Night Walk

Wrapped in a tattered cloak of bluish grey
the aged sky peers down
through the canopy of darkness
at rosy-cheeked fair dawn,
asleep in the hills' embrace.
The sacred silence of this hour
is broken only by the breeze
playing softly on the harp of trees.

Late on this tranquil night,
alone, I wander in the dark
as the golden glow of memories
lights up every step ahead.

[mutedresponse]

Beautiful,captured the moment.

Loved the line 'is broken only by the breeze'

[Bar22do]

Very soothing, nurturing, beautiful, aliengirl!
Perhaps you do not need "clouds" in L1 if you change it to, for example, "Wrapped in a bluish gray tattered cloak/the aged sky..." (from which we understand it's made of clouds...);
in L4, i'd prefer "at rosy, fair dawn" (not to stress personifications too much, sky, dawn...);
last, I personally always prefer poems aligned to the left.
But it's all only me speaking out my thoughts.

The rest reads so very well, simple and as always, in simplicity hides the highest truth... well achieved, aliengirl, thank you so much for sharing.

[hillwalker]

One of your best - love the imagery of the breeze playing softly / on the harp of the trees...

H

[tailor STATELY]

Enjoyed very much.

Small quibble with "as golden glow of memories". Perhaps as the golden glow of memories.

Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
tailor STATELY

[aliengirl]

Muted, bar, hillwalker, and tailor stately thank you all very much for reading this poem. : ) I mostly agree with you Bar. I am not satisfied with the first line, 'clouds' looks somewhat extra. I aligned the poem in centre just to experiment. There was no intention to create any figure or shape. And yes tailor, I wrote that 'the' before 'golden glow' but later dropped it while typing, sounds to me quite extra. What do others think? I'm sorry I can't edit the poem now 'cause my laptop has some problem. I'm replying now through my cellphone. Please also excuse me for not replying individually to each of you. Will give a more coherent response once my laptop is fixed. Glad you all enjoyed the poem.

[MystyrMystyry]

This is nearly perfect Aliengirl. There are bits I'd trim, others I'd stretch, but what makes it good is the very way it's put together - changing anything might risk losing the magic.

There are subtle tricks involved in making some poems work well, but sometimes they come together just right because of tiny indefinable cracks that actually add to it. This has those tiny cracks, but they're good: a second layer of interest because of them.


Keep posting! :)

[aliengirl]

Thanks a lot MM for finding magic hidden in the tiny cracks. :)

[Hawkman]

Sorry, I've been neglecting this one Ripley...

I think your punctuation is a little off in places which disturbs the readers journey through the piece. By moving the comma and inserting a full stop it is improved. "Rosey cheeked fair dawn" is a little cliched, rosey and dawn are rather too often partnered, but it is a pleasing read none the less. Rather than "asleep in the embrace of hills" "alseep in the hills' embrace" might be better, but it's only a suggestion. I'm not sure about "harp of trees" It could either mean a harp made out of trees or a harp beloning to trees. My preference given the context, would be "harp-like trees". I'd suggest dropping up from the last line too as it's a beat too many in the line.

My suggestions below:

"Wrapped in a tattered cloak of bluish grey
the aged sky peers down
through the canopy of darkness
at rosy-cheeked fair dawn,
asleep in the hills' embrace.
The sacred silence of this hour
is broken only by the breeze
playing softly on the harp-like trees.

Late on this tranquil night,
alone, I wander in the dark
as the golden glow of memories
lights every step ahead."

anyway, it's a very pleasing poem with its own music, so thanks for sharing it with us.

Live and be well - H

[aliengirl]

I just saw your comment Hawk. Actually I didn't expect any more on this one. But thanks very much for your suggestion. You are such a meticulous craftsman. :) I agree about the 'hills' embrace'. It sounds better. And your punctuation scheme in the second stanza is really better than mine. By "harp of trees" I meant the trees as harps and their boughs as strings, as the wind passes through them it produces a soft sound. Do I make myself clear?
Yeah, 'rosy cheeked dawn' is cliched but what's there to replace it?

Thanks again for your help dear.