Incomplete

[Bar22do]

Night,
veil your secrets,
make wells and fountains
sing

and the wind, too -
in parcs’ willows.

Our hurried pace resounds
among carobs in bloom.
My whispers overcome
his downy ear, he shivers
as we near home.

Our flesh casts a pool of light
on humid summer sheets.

O moon, half-immersed
in midnight blue,
we must drink your darkness
to the last dregs,
to the end of our shadows,

you will become full
when we part.

[MystyrMystyry]

Very seductive Bar22do

I'm not convinced by pulses in unison, where synchrony may be the better word

Other than this, exquisite

[Bar22do]

I adopted your "in synchrony," which reads so much better (you said exactly what I was looking for!), thank you MMystery!
Thanks too for your praise, Glad you enjoyed my last night poem!

[ucello]

This is so different from your soldier's death...
One feels the couple's fragility as they "drink" the darkness to their own destruction, while (as if) clearing the moon's full face. Well mirrored! A sensitive, delicate poem. I love the sensuous whispers, full of promise.
Thank you.

[Delta40]

You are an artist Bar. Your poetry captures the romantic, seductive side of me always. I especially loved the lines:

Through our veins the blood
pulses in synchrony, our flesh
casts a pool of light
on humid summer sheets

You remind me how we all have a unique voice.

[blank|verse]

What caught my attention about this rather egocentric love poem, Bar, is that there are several shifts of register in a relatively short poem, starting with the apostrophe to Night (repeated with the Moon at the poem's end). It reminds me of John Donne with his peremptory imperative commands at nature not to interrupt the selfish lovers.

Then the poem shifts to a third-person narrative; followed by a whispered aside in italics in which the (presumably female) narrator reinforces her powers of control: first over nature, now over man (or a man, at least) as well. The poem reverses this pattern thereafter: third-person, then apostrophe.

If I'm honest, I found the 'blood pulsing in synchrony [or unison]' a bit sentimental; the 'flesh casting a pool of light' is much stronger and more original. I also thought the phrase "parcs' velvet willows" a bit lumpy.

I found 'a half' difficult to say, because you've got two aspirants together ('a' – pronounced more like 'uh' rather than 'ay' - and 'h'). I wonder if this bit can be reworded so the description becomes part of the address:

Half-moon hiding
in midnight blue,
we must drink your darkness […]
It might also be a bit clever to start with an 'O half-moon' – something I'd normally steer clear from (although Charles Simic gets away with them!) but here, the shape of the majuscule might remind the attentive reader of something!

And the two lovers are going to be together for a week. Wow. And those sheets are humid to begin with…

But after reading it all, I'm not sure the title 'Incomplete' is the most appropriate. An inventive poem, nonetheless.

[Bar22do]

The impress you put on my stubborn attempts at poetry is always so instructive, thanks so much for your honest, knowledgeable, precise comment, Blank.
In the light of what you have written, I understand the poem fails its aim at least in part (for I feel I must explain myself, which is always a bad sign!).
The dark part of the moon mirrors the lovers' own shadows that eventually destroy the relation (which might have started ages before, by the way, and now reaches its final week :smile5: ), as the light (of the moon/of their truth - pool of light, full circle already) increases. The address to "night" is a pathetic request for an impossible extension. Whereas the apostrophe to "moon" is a recognition of failure. The lovers, here, are miserable in their insistence and the struggle for survival is always selfish, I guess. Actually, they only serve as an example for life basic non-fulfillment. So it was and it was not meant to be a love poem. Darkness and light are in control, not the lovers...
I must have wanted to achieve too much in this short piece...

Anyhow, follows a revision (do I get away with your suggested "O"?!!) - what do you (or/and others) think? is it more coherent and satisfactory? I must improve - or die! (so, no pity, please!)

Night,
veil your secrets,
make wells and fountains
sing

and the wind, too -
in parcs’ willows.

Our hurried pace resounds
among carobs in bloom.
My whispers overcome
his downy ear, he shivers
as we near home.

Our flesh casts a pool of light
on humid summer sheets.

O moon, half-immersed
in midnight blue,
we must drink your darkness
to the last dregs,
to the end of our shadows,

you will become full
when we part.

- -

And thanks again for your thorough analysis, Verse! I always wonder how you find regular patterns in what I write without being aware of them (ex. apostrophe-third person narrative/third person narrative-aporstrophe)! Regards, Bar

[ucello]

I'm not a specialist, but love your revision. And I appreciate your skill to revise (well, you were provided a great guidance, too). Truly, not because you threaten to die. ;) - good job, here.

[Bar22do]

Thank you so much for your encouraging words. And I was offered a great guidance indeed. Very best, Bar

[Haunted]

Bar, the sensuality here is so beautifully done. I prefer to read it as a love poem with the moon as a moody background. The last 2 lines do confuse me, maybe because it's tied back to the moon?

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar - Yes, I presumed the 'parting' was of the 'such sweet sorrow' variety, rather than something more bitter.

And for that reason, I think the 'O' is out of place, because it is a bit tongue-in-cheek, so doesn't seem quite appropriate now you've explained the poem has different intentions. (On reflection, maybe you could keep the last one, but not the first that opens the poem.)

'Synchrony yet surviving' isn't quite right either. I can understand it from having read the first version but don't think I would, had I read this line cold.

If I'm totally honest, I'm not sure how successful this poem comes to achieving what you want it to. The first four stanzas suggest such a close, sexual relationship (particularly stanzas 3 and 4), that without being told why this intimacy has suddenly broken down, I think you're asking too much of the reader to figure out why they're 'doomed' from the appeal to the moon.

As you said, there's a lot here to express, perhaps more than a short poem can contain; maybe prose would be more suitable for all these ideas? Hope you appreciate the honesty, anyway! :) b|v

[Bar22do]

Actually, the parting is of the bitter sort, but I see how I have "fallen" here. Never mind, perhaps it would be helpful if I felt things can get complete! :) and of course, I'm most thankful for your honesty, BlankV, always. As for everyone else's!

Haunted, maybe you're right and I should have limited this poem to its love dimension indeed. In any case, I'm glad you enjoyed its sensuality!

Best to you both,

Bar