Memo to a Maiden Moving Out

[Jassy Melson]

Physically I grasp and crave
for the fleeting fringes of your changing nature;
mentally I believe we all need havens
of solitude;
but spiritually I know
you'll never go away.

[Bar22do]

Physically, I crave for the fleeting fringes of your changing nature;
mentally, I believe we all need havens of solitude;
spiritually, I know you'll never go away.

What a beautiful tender thought, so honestly expressed. You need commas after the key words. I'd lose "but" before "spiritually", "grasp and" and arrange the whole piece in only three clear lines, as above. Just a suggestion. Please feel free to disregard! A pleasure to read you!

[Jassy Melson]

Thank you for the suggestions

[Delta40]

So much said in those few lines. I agree with Bars suggestion as it makes your feelings much clearer.

[Jassy Melson]

Yoiu are both right, and I thank you, for your suggestions have indeed improved my poem.