ellieee...
09-05-2011, 03:02 AM
Like you
It’s like a wall, a barrier between me and the real world. I constantly pound against it but it never surrenders. It thunders and shakes but defies me. I still get around, I still function but with a barrier that makes me incompetent. My mother, now frail and constantly tired, by my side every moment of the day. She treats me like a child, but there’s no other way. Dad left because of this. He found it unbearable. He found me unbearable.
On the streets, people flee to allow me through. It’s like they think I’ll infect them. They stare deep into my eyes or shield them to avoid me. Or they try to look away but they just can’t. Disgust, sadness, sympathy is what they feel. You can see it in their eyes, in their movements. Children, they hide behind their parent’s legs, clinging to them and pointing. ‘Look mummy, look at that man. What’s wrong with him?’
What is wrong with me? I’m just like you. Just like your friend, cousin and father. At heart I’m still me, still functioning. But I have a barrier, between me and the real world. A barrier that strikes me down and doesn’t let up. But I’m still like you.
I have loved just like you, though I have never felt love in return. I’m a duty, full-time work. I know Mum feels an obligation to me. She’s embarrassed. But I don’t protest. I can’t.
I hear your giggles, I see your smirks. You judge me, I know. I’ve felt anger and hurt but now I just feel numbness. You know, you can lose your emotions if you don’t use them. They left me too just like everyone else because I’m a duty, I’m full-time work.
If you are kind, you may talk to me but I won’t reply. I’m not rude, I don’t hold a grudge, I just can’t. I just can’t. That phrase is my life. I just can’t move, I just can’t touch, I just can’t talk, I just can’t hold your hand. So you just can’t love me.
And now, as I close my eyes, I wish I could just go away, just fly into the abyss. But I know I won’t and tomorrow you’ll shield your eyes, you’ll try to look away but you will stare. You will try to be kind but I won’t feel any better. I will love you but you’ll never know because there’s a barrier between me and the real world and I just can’t break it down.
It’s like a wall, a barrier between me and the real world. I constantly pound against it but it never surrenders. It thunders and shakes but defies me. I still get around, I still function but with a barrier that makes me incompetent. My mother, now frail and constantly tired, by my side every moment of the day. She treats me like a child, but there’s no other way. Dad left because of this. He found it unbearable. He found me unbearable.
On the streets, people flee to allow me through. It’s like they think I’ll infect them. They stare deep into my eyes or shield them to avoid me. Or they try to look away but they just can’t. Disgust, sadness, sympathy is what they feel. You can see it in their eyes, in their movements. Children, they hide behind their parent’s legs, clinging to them and pointing. ‘Look mummy, look at that man. What’s wrong with him?’
What is wrong with me? I’m just like you. Just like your friend, cousin and father. At heart I’m still me, still functioning. But I have a barrier, between me and the real world. A barrier that strikes me down and doesn’t let up. But I’m still like you.
I have loved just like you, though I have never felt love in return. I’m a duty, full-time work. I know Mum feels an obligation to me. She’s embarrassed. But I don’t protest. I can’t.
I hear your giggles, I see your smirks. You judge me, I know. I’ve felt anger and hurt but now I just feel numbness. You know, you can lose your emotions if you don’t use them. They left me too just like everyone else because I’m a duty, I’m full-time work.
If you are kind, you may talk to me but I won’t reply. I’m not rude, I don’t hold a grudge, I just can’t. I just can’t. That phrase is my life. I just can’t move, I just can’t touch, I just can’t talk, I just can’t hold your hand. So you just can’t love me.
And now, as I close my eyes, I wish I could just go away, just fly into the abyss. But I know I won’t and tomorrow you’ll shield your eyes, you’ll try to look away but you will stare. You will try to be kind but I won’t feel any better. I will love you but you’ll never know because there’s a barrier between me and the real world and I just can’t break it down.