A Soldier's Death, Or A Rising Comet

[Bar22do]

A Rising Comet
for Pascal A., za"l

Our eyes are forced again
to mark a new shade of blood;
eyelids flutter to evade, but
only deepen the pupils' ache.

Your comrades heard a drumming flight,
you issued an ow!, as if in disbelief.
The bullet slanted from your left shoulder
to the right lung, stopped in a rib:
a dead end path forever drawn between
the now of an uncommon rising comet
and our splattered after.

Your iron body gently slid
into the desert’s dirt, back against the battle -
a shell slightly agape at sunset, yet
you appeared composed, they said,
your forehead rippling under an airy stroke.

They laid out your limbs so you could relax,
whereas we never will.
We'll only fill our time with the dream
taken from your heartbeat
and reluctantly list, with the others’,
your unique tone of blood.


(Jerusalem, August 18, 2011)

[PrinceMyshkin]

This was almost too raw to be contained in a poem - but you did it!

[Bar22do]

Thanks Prince for having the courage to go through this one. And for your appreciation. Best.

[blank|verse]

This is a very powerful elegy, Bar. The emotional control and uncompromising detail of the fatal injury make for a strong poem.

The phrase 'a new shade of blood' is original and is the poem's strongest image; it carries a lot of weight in its direct, monosyllabic simplicity.

The 'iron body' as an appositional phrase for coffin is also very strong and effectively introduced after a stanza break. The image of the shell detonating while the funeral is taking place reminds us that the war continues, oblivious to individual deaths. (And gives an image of a sunset very different from my own.)

This is also the sort of poem you might not want to change, which would be perfectly understandable, but for what it's worth, here are some thoughts on the poetry. (You know what I'm like!)

You might consider breaking line 1 at 'again'; as it stands, it's a clean line of iambic tetrameter, which is perhaps a bit too lively for the poem. I wasn't sure about line 6; although the response 'as if in disbelief' is strong, I would consider removing the line and linking together the other lines, perhaps like this:

Your comrades heard a drumming flight
before the bullet slanted...In fact, I wonder if the poem should open with this stanza, therefore putting the action before the reaction, and perhaps with a bit of alteration, would leave the 'new shade of blood' phrase to appear only once in the poem? (I also wonder if 'A New Shade of Blood' would make a stronger title.)

Similar to the previous 'ow!', I found 'splattered' (line 11) the wrong word; both seem too cartoon-like for the poem. And I can see what you mean by this section:

the now of an uncommon rising comet
and our splattered after.but I wasn't sure it works well enough, particularly in the context of the other details in the poem.

Still, that's not to detract from what is a searingly honest and effective piece of writing and one I hope you feel does justice to the memory of your friend. Best wishes, b|v.

[yuka]

I love this poem. Bar, like BV said, this is a VERY POWERFUL ELEGY, the first 2 lines start very strong .

[beautiful_heart]

I really like this poem especially the first stanza. :)

[Bar22do]

A great suggestion for the title B/V. Thanks so much for your comment and analysis of this difficult poem. I really appreciate. I'll give my attention to L6 and its problematics as well as to "ow" and "splattered". I wanted to be faithful to the recounted events, but perhaps "(heard)... a cry" instead of "ow" would work better? It'd need more work to change the stanzas' order, I might do it one day... For now, how about? -

A Rising Comet
for Pascal A., za"l

Our eyes are forced again
to mark a new shade of blood;
eyelids flutter to evade, but
only deepen the pupils' ache.

Your comrades heard a drumming flight,
a short cry, as of incredulity.
The bullet slanted from your left shoulder
to the right lung, stopped in a rib:
a dead end path forever drawn between
the now of an uncommon rising comet
and our ravaged after.

Your iron body gently slid
into the desert’s dirt, back against the battle -
a shell slightly agape at sunset, yet
you appeared composed, they said,
your forehead rippling under an airy stroke.

They laid out your limbs so you could relax,
whereas we never will.
We'll only fill our time with the dream
taken from your heartbeat
and reluctantly list, with the others’,
your unique tint of blood.


(Jerusalem, August 18, 2011)

Many thanks again for your time and thoughts.

[Bar22do]

Thank you yuka and beautifulgirl, you're brave (and so kind) to bear with this poem. Moreover, you find it appreciable!, which for me is a great solace.

Thank you all again.

[hallaig]

The bullet slanted from your left shoulder
to the right lung, stopped in a rib:
a dead end path forever drawn between
the now of an uncommon rising comet
and our splattered after.



I find this a very beautiful description. What poetry in the right hands ( and your hands seem remarkably accomplished) can do! Make a lasting beauty of such subject matter. Well done. Your amendments of the above aren't as good. My advice would be return to the original which is much more immediate.

[Delta40]

You wrote this in such a way that one could imagine the gravity 'ow' as the piercing bullet entered combined with a short but memorable passing out of this world.

[Bar22do]

hallaig, thank you so much for speaking highly of this effort. You may be right and, often, I'm not very good at revising. Therefore, I'll let this poem rest a bit, then will keep or restore what feels immediate and truthful to what made me write it.
Thanks for your honest opinion.

Delta, it was a memorable passing out of this world indeed. Am grateful for your kind words.

[aliengirl]

Its a wonder that you can write such beautiful poem about such a horrible incident. I have read it thrice and probably will read it again. Though the whole poem is fine the first stanza is the best. Thanks for sharing Bar.

[Bar22do]

aliengirl, thank you so very much.

[blank|verse]

I read this poem (http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/the-sunday-poem-no-35-thom-gunn-1111476.html) the other day, Bar, and was reminded of yours. (The actual poem is broken into 6-line stanzas, not as reproduced here.)

But the main similarity is one of control of emotional tone. The stronger moments of your poem share that quality; and I think demonstrate why words like 'ow' and 'splattered' are out of place, so you're right to remove them. I think changing the cry to one heard by his comrades is a good move. There's still depth of feeling and emotion in both poems, more so for the poets' restraint.

[ucello]

I'm a frequent reader on this forum, rarely I post anything by myself (need to mature), I comment when I have time, but this - - - is overpowering, classy, outstanding.
I'm amazed, like BlankVerse, at your control, at the poem's emotional restraint.
I love both versions, have a slight preference for your second.
"ravaged" versus "splattered"? - how about "shattered"?
This is an impossible theme; however, you succeeded in catching all my attention and heart. I felt with the soldier as his iron heavy body sat on the ground, astonished. And that was it.
Thank you.

P.S. Blank Verse, your referenced poem is incredibly similar in its tone. Well deserved comparison.

[Bar22do]

I read this poem (http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/the-sunday-poem-no-35-thom-gunn-1111476.html) the other day, Bar, and was reminded of yours. (The actual poem is broken into 6-line stanzas, not as reproduced here.)

But the main similarity is one of control of emotional tone. The stronger moments of your poem share that quality; and I think demonstrate why words like 'ow' and 'splattered' are out of place, so you're right to remove them. I think changing the cry to one heard by his comrades is a good move. There's still depth of feeling and emotion in both poems, more so for the poets' restraint.

Wow, B/V, Thom Gunn's Still Life is so extraordinary I feel humbled. Thank you.
A final hesitation - - is "ravaged" alright? or, as Ucello suggests, "shattered" would be better? Those language subtleties that escape me...

[Bar22do]

Thanks a lot, Ucello, for your sensitive, close reading and for your appreciation. Hard for me to decide on the most accurate word. Perhaps this poem must sit on a shelf till I'm able to acquire a bit of distance (also from the incident). Best and renewed thanks.