American Sunset

[Jassy Melson]

Today I watched the drops of rain
fall dimly in a gray refrain;
so near to me, I heard their sighs,
yet they passed on and I remain.
Under somber gaze of Mercury's pale eyes,
I watched the rain in dull surprise.

But in the shadows cast by the weary wall,
I caught the glimpse of a darker pall;
so close to me, I felt it brush
through my heart, giving nothing, taking all.
Under cold-blooded stare of the spider's hush,
I watched the shadows in sadness rush.

Remember the sun, they seemed to say,
the darkest hour is before the day;
so far from home, I heard them weep,
yet they passed on, leaving me to stay.

Under dreary waters, too wide, too deep,
I watched hope die, while you still sleep.

[AsianGuy1137]

I loved the way you seamlessly render the symbolic themes of light and darkness (well, mostly darkness I guess). It has that deeper message that leaves an undeniable impression on you to ponder over for days. And plus the rhyme scheme is excellent, reminds me of Poe's The Raven, but more natural and less forced.

[yuka]

A sadly piece, but very well done. The tone and atmosphere is really infectious.

[blank|verse]

Well, I did consider contacting my lawyers... but I'll settle for imitation being the most sincere form of flattery! :)

The poem itself isn't really about sunset but the shadows it creates. The rhyme scheme is quite intricate, and I'd be interested to know if this is an existing form or one you've invented for this poem. There are some weaker lines as a result - and it might be interesting to rewrite this in free verse - but overall it's an evocative response to the weather conditions. (And there are a couple of Charles Simic poems it reminds me of, but I can't think which at the moment; I'll have to get back to you...)