It's Beautiful

[Baxter]

The sky darkens as if ink's been spilled somewhere on the horizon opposite the setting sun. I look at her and she smiles at the sky and for an instant I feel like I know her like no one else ever could, which I assume cannot be true because I just met the girl, but that's the way I feel, and I suppose it's not impossible.

Anything's possible. Anything that humankind puts the mind to can be achieved. I realize this as I stare at the full moon and remember somebody walked there; somebody's boot touched that. It's beautiful. Truly anything can be achieved. I look at her. Right now she is (this) man's biggest challenge.

Wait a second: is this love? If this is love, then what did I feel all those times that I thought I felt love - like? She's still staring at the sky and I conclude that whatever I'm feeling, she is not. It's probably love. And if it turns out to be unrequited love, that's still love, and I felt it. It's beautiful.
__________________________________________________ _______________

[kittypaws]

Baxter...I understood where you are going yet you still have a long way to travel if it is writing of pros or poetry you are trying to achieve...but I will tell you this. You have joined the right forum to make it so.

kittypaws

[Baxter]

The sky darkens as if ink's been spilled somewhere on the horizon opposite the setting sun. I look at her and she smiles at the sky and for an instant I feel like I know her like no one else ever could, which I assume cannot be true because I just met the girl, but that's the way I feel, and I suppose it's not impossible.

I realize that it, indeed, is not impossible as I stare at the full moon and remember that somebody walked there, somebody's boot touched that. That was once impossible. These things take time. I look at her. Right now she is this man's biggest challenge.

And I think, Is this love? If this is love, then what did I feel all those times that I thought I felt love? – like? She's still staring at the sky, and I conclude that whatever I am feeling, she is not. It's probably love. And if it turns out to be unrequited love, it's still love, and that’s enough for now.

[hillwalker]

I really liked the opening description of the sky. And on the strength of that I was expecting something a little more substantial.

But the pondering about love and whether it's to be reciprocated or not left me not particularly bothered. It's too personal a piece in my opinion because without knowing more about the two characters why should the reader care? There's nothing here to encourage any impartial reader to invest emotionally in what is just some private reverie.

It's well written - but it doesn't say a great deal. Show us what you can really do.

H

[AuntShecky]

I agree with the previous posters, both more astute than yours truly.
I'd begin by setting up more "active" scenes rather than mere description. Also, give your characters names. I'm a bit weary of reading about amorphous pronouns--a "she" or a "he" --without antecedents.

[WolfLarsen]

I like this piece.

Basically, I like writing that keeps me awake, that's kind of different, and breaths with life. This work fills all of those characteristics.

In addition, maybe the original was better than the revision.

I would leave this piece as it is.

Stick with your guts Baxter. Your intuition will tell you what's good. Don't let others derail you.

[Pensive]

I love the description of sky. The personal level of the story in fact only serves to arouse my interest further. And I like intriguing narration so I don't really see a problem with that. :)