Don't Snicker when They're Getting Drunk

[maleonpyg]

When a gale is passing through this stage of sorrow,
the street-lining trees, hence, start dancing
wildly, like there's no tomorrow,
like young girls on the loose, shaking
off their leaves like pieces of clothing.

Don't snicker when they're getting drunk,
or lying naked on the ground,
for spring is gone, summer is almost done,
and how many good times left are still unknown.

[hillwalker]

There is a great deal of originality in this poem - trees like drunken young girls shaking off their leaves during a gale.

I wonder why you have included the word 'hence' in the second line. It breaks the spell and isn't necessary for the line to make sense. Similarly 'like there's no tomorrow' is a rather tired cliche and spoils the overall effect. It adds nothing to the poem so I wonder why you included it other than to maintain a rhyme.

I also feel the word 'snicker' doesn't quite fit here - I would have chosen something like 'mock' perhaps.

But it's a good effort and with a little touching up could be an excellent poem.

H
It