literacy commentary help. Am I on the right track?

[amyamyamy14]

I am a first year at university and I am required to write a story commentary for literature. I am struggling with the way I am suppose to structure it.

How can I fix it? Do I need to start again?

How would you mark it?

Please be honest :-)

Background to my piece:
-Literature is 'Green' by Anne enright
-topic= Write a short commentary considering how the ideas of ‘home’ or ‘nation’ are presented in the story.
-must be 700 words
-criteria includes interpretation of the question/topic, relevance to the topic, demonstration of engagement with themes of the unit, originality of thoughts, mechanics of english, structure & fluency
-I haven't referenced it yet :-)

THANKS FOR THE HELP :-)
-------------------------------

People commonly refer to ‘home’ as the place in which one resides permanently. But the idea of home can have various definitions. Many see home as the where something or someone prospers. Commonly, home is where one is at ease and is comfortable. Home is not only the building one lives in, but also what is inside. These things can include family, pets, furniture, and the garden. The components of a healthy home include love, respect, togetherness, and calm.

Green (2008) by Anne Enright depicts the story about a woman who runs an organic farm in a small town, which causes problems between childhood friends. The book displays a juxtaposition of the lives between the narrator and her childhood friend Gertie. These characters both have different ideas of home and living.

Sometimes for some, life turns out how it is suppose to be. For Gertie, home-life came as it was expected. According to the narrator, Gertie never left town, married the man that she was intended to and ‘got the curtains she was suppose to get’. This demonstrates many things about Gertie’s home. From the narrators point of view Gertie’s home seems unimaginative and repetitive. Her home would be the type where everything is perfection and nothing is out of line. Others might view Gertie’s home as the Narrator does. Gertie home can also be seen as respectful and conventional. It is likely that the social norms of the time would have seen many women live this sort of life. The Narrator probably sees this as Gertie conforming to the social norms, but others could see this as someone who wants to have a normal life.

Unlike Gertie, life can turn out unexpected. From early on in the book, it is unconcealed that the narrator is unhappy about the place in which she recedes. Whist sitting in a restaurant the Narrator reflects on her life, wishing there were times she could start all over in France. This illustrates that narrator is unhappy happy in her home, and wants to start a new life. The fact that she suggests that she should go to France illustates that she wants to seek something different. The Narrator’s mother complains that the place they are in is a small town. This means that the Narrator is constantly seeing the same people and the same places, thus she wants to go to France to explore.

Marriage is an important component of a beatific home. A happy marriage will make home-life more amiable. The Narrator makes it apparent that her marriage gives her feelings of discontentment. She states that when her husband comes to bed he closes his eyes, turns over to kiss her shoulder, then’s rolls back and falls asleep. There are emotions of emptiness about this. Maybe the Narrator is seeking something more electrifying. The tension between the Narrator and her husband could cause friction in the home.

The Narrator states that Gertie, the girl who prayed in the school chapel at 15 years old, married the ‘little bully’. This is an indication that Gertie married the bad-boy. Even though we are unaware of the details of their marriage, it can be assumed that the Narrator is envious of the marriage Gertie has.

The Narrator also reflects on the thrilling times of her younger years. She reminisces on the drug taking of her past, which happened in either Paris or New York (she cannot remember). During these times it can be argued that the Narrator had an unbalanced home. The fact that she cannot remember the place, in which she did drugs, is a strong indication that she did a lot of traveling. Due to her traveling she would have lacked that one place to call home. It could be juxtaposed to her home now as she is married, has children, and a business; this is utterly different to her early life.

Whilst reading the book I could see feeling of anger and jealously from the Narrator. It is obvious that she has regrets in her life, and wishes she could go back to her party days. It seems like both Gertie and the Narrator has stable homes, but Gertie is more satisfied. The ideas of home are not clearly evident when first reading, but once you look through the deep connotations of the text, the ideas of ‘home’ become clear.

[JBI]

firstly, tighten the language. for instance, The book displays a juxtaposition, consider, "the book juxtaposes" or, by juxtaposing...

That aside, I have never heard of the story, so am at a loss.

[amyamyamy14]

firstly, tighten the language. for instance, The book displays a juxtaposition, consider, "the book juxtaposes" or, by juxtaposing...

That aside, I have never heard of the story, so am at a loss.

I have uploaded it :)

http://freepdfhosting.com/d09e348d2c.pdf

It is a short story called Green, its part of Anne Enright's book, Taking Pictures

[Charles Darnay]

Overall, your ideas are good (on the right track) - a few writing tips/issues.

Your first paragraph falls in to the trap that many do of overgeneralizing. The question asks how to consider how the text treats the concept of home, this is what you should be addressing in your opening paragraph. Your exploration of the concept of home as you have it adds nothing the the commentary itself. That is not to say you cannot weave some of the ideas in the introduction into the commentary, but as it stands, it does not work. Similarly, your second, third, and fourth paragraph open with the same time of generalization. It's great to both link your topic sentence to the previous paragraph as well as introduce what the paragraph is about (as you do) but do so in a way that keeps "Green" in central focus.

I don't mean to be harsh, just trying to help. It takes awhile to break free of generalizations; it seems "unnatural" to launch into a subject (such as how "Green" depicts home) without prefacing it something - but this is what must be done. You want your commentary to be tight and insightful, giving the reader a critical look at the piece without cause to question you or your authority over the text.

[amyamyamy14]

^do you think is best to remove that first paragraph?

Also, in what ways can I make it more insightful?

thank-you for your help :) I am usually pretty good at writing essays, but I am really struggling with writing a commentary.

[Charles Darnay]

Think of the commentary as a mini essay if that helps....there seems to be little difference between the two. I would either remove or re-write the first paragraph.

[Charles Darnay]

also, by "insightful" I meant critical - addressing the "how" and "why" of matters. Such as:

"The Narrator states that Gertie, the girl who prayed in the school chapel at 15 years old, married the ‘little bully’. This is an indication that Gertie married the bad-boy. Even though we are unaware of the details of their marriage, it can be assumed that the Narrator is envious of the marriage Gertie has"

First, "it can be assumed" is usually not a good idea in writing - but more to the point, why can this be assumed and what is the implication of the narrator's envy, or the marriage as this relates to the theme of "home".