Top Tips for a Happy Life [Archive] - Literature Network Forums

Paulclem

08-30-2011, 05:53 PM

You sir have just changed my life !

Seriously never thought of that, and it makes so much sense too :biggrin5:

Cheers, it's the little things that make a difference. :biggrin5:

Tip 22: If you ever need a swill down at work or somewhere without hand towels, ball up a good hanful of toilet paper and pat yourself dry.

(Pat don't rub, as the toilet paper disintegrates quickly). I've done this many times after riding around venues for work where there are inadequate ablutions.

Tip 23: If you're looking after the neighbour's dog while they're away on holiday and the dog dies, blu-tack the dead dog's front paws to the window as they're about to return, and then, when they've seen it and waved, take it down and pretend it died suddenly through the excitement of seeing them again.

This was one option open to us when our neighbours returned from a hospital stay once.

Delta40

08-30-2011, 06:23 PM

love tip 23!

Tip 24: Ask your friends and family for useful tips for a happy life

MystyrMystyry

08-30-2011, 06:27 PM

I remember a landscaping job I had next to an old folks village. All day long this old bloke stared through his window at us working, all day, didn't get up for lunch of anything, also didn't seem to blink

No wonder

At least he wasn't there the next day

Tip 25 - when shopping stick to your list, even if there's a great special on something you'd normally ignore

It might seem like a bargain, but that oyster sauce was off! Two days bedridden with the shakes - not worth it

Emil Miller

08-30-2011, 06:35 PM

Tip 26: Never put off to tomorrow what should be done today, put it off to the day after tomorrow.

Delta40

08-30-2011, 06:44 PM

Tip 27: If you scratch your arse, you shouldn't bite your fingernails

LitNetIsGreat

08-30-2011, 06:45 PM

Tip 26: Never put off to tomorrow what should be done today, put it off to the day after tomorrow.

Now that's my sort of tip. I couldn't tell you the jobs I have put off, I would get repetitive strain injury from typing.

Good tips all round - keep it up folks. I'll collate them at 50/100, if we get that far, (hence the bold to see easily) and we can sell the list to unhappy people and make lots of money and split the profits...

Tip 28 - Eat nice bread and drink real coffee.

It makes all the difference.

Maximilianus

08-30-2011, 10:58 PM

Tip 29 - Never cast pearls before swine. Rather show them pearls, then put pearls back in your pocket, and you'll have pearls to show to other swine.

Paulclem

08-31-2011, 05:23 PM

Tip 30: Always say no in an elaborate and potentially comic phrase as this allows you time to consider, negate or backtrack according to the reaction of the asker.

I use definaaaaaaaaately nooooooo - yes! (when the face turns to thunder).

Paulclem

08-31-2011, 05:31 PM

Tip 31: When stealing cake, cut thin slices from either side of an already cut slice. Alternatively cut off a chunk from the bottom, making sure that the cake remains level.

The side-slice works with pie too, but not the bottom cut.

Paulclem

08-31-2011, 05:37 PM

Tip 32: When drinking coke, take a very long swig, and then belch loudly and fruitily if you need to (you will). If anyone questions this just say that it was never like that in the adverts.

I used to do this at work and ended up in my own office.

Paulclem

08-31-2011, 05:43 PM

Tip 33: If you are suffering from gas in an embarrassing place - like a girlfriends, at the in-laws or with stern elderly relatives - offer to do the vacuuming. The vacuum will cover any unfortunate noises, and the filters will remove the stench - particularly if you move backwards as you vacuum.

(if stench remains, then you can always claim the bag needs changing).

Lokasenna

08-31-2011, 06:19 PM

Tip #34: When being harassed by tenacious street vendors in a foreign country, the best way to disperse them is to crazily shout random things from the local phrase-book: "I like prawns! The townhall is purple! My trousers have a headache!" They will never bother you again.

This works, believe me. I speak from experience.

LitNetIsGreat

08-31-2011, 06:45 PM

Tip 35 - When you put drinks in the freezer for a while just to get that extra bit of chill, don't forget to take them out.

As I've just done.

MystyrMystyry

08-31-2011, 07:07 PM

Been there

Tip 36 - Always laugh at the bad news - it's only tomorrow's daft history

Vonny

08-31-2011, 07:39 PM

That funny Jocky gave me 6 tips in the art of survival that I have copied onto an index card, and have served me well. Here is the first one:

Tip 37: When the pressure really mounts disappear for a few weeks.

I haven't needed to leave for weeks yet, but I remember that I can leave for a couple of days, or however long I need to, and come back.

And Neely's tip 35... I need to remember every day!

qimissung

08-31-2011, 11:31 PM

That's a good one, Vonny. Actually, they all are.

Tip 38-Get physical, often.

Tip 39-Drink wine, often (unless you prefer hard liquor or beer, then drink that (unless you're an alcoholic, then get drunk on poetry or virtue as you wish)).

Tip 40-Celebrate, often (see tips 38-39).

Vonny

09-01-2011, 01:25 AM

Those seem kind of funny coming from you qimissung, tips 38 - 40. I feel better about myself now!

LitNetIsGreat

09-01-2011, 05:00 AM

Great tips! I think we have got 100 in us over time.

Tip 41 - When pouring milk into your coffee check that it's not off first.

That happened to me this morning. Fortunately I had enough brewed coffee left and another carton of milk so it didn't end in total disaster. I could have been very bad though.

Lokasenna

09-01-2011, 05:20 AM

Shamelessly stolen from Blackadder:

Tip #42: When the going gets tough, the tough hide under the table.

Emil Miller

09-01-2011, 05:30 AM

The last line of the old rugby song 'Four and Twenty Virgins' springs to mind but I will refrain from writing it in order not to embarrass tender feminine ears.

EDIT: I have just discovered that there are numerous versions of the song, some of then childishly crude, so mine is as follows:

Tip# 43: 'Never let your ******** dangle in the dust.'

MarkBastable

09-01-2011, 06:30 AM

Tip #44: There are very few problems in life that can't be solved by opening a bottle of wine or calling a cab.

Paulclem

09-01-2011, 06:58 PM

LitNetIsGreat

09-01-2011, 07:25 PM

Tip 45: Ifyou're a bit short of cash, but want to socialise in pubs and clubs with mates, then get hold of a catheter bag - a new one - and fill it with your drink of choice. Then use an inside pocket on a jacket conceal it, and fill up your glass with the handy little tap whilst you're in the pub/ club.

Cider is too fizzy, and inflates the catheter, whilst quickly going flat. You're best with wine or spirits.

Oh dear it sounds like you have had experience of drinking from an alcohol filled catheter. I don't want to know about it, yuk. Although, come to think of it, it has to be an improvement over the likes of Carling or Carlsburg from the bar. I bet Carling drinkers couldn't tell the difference between that or original catheter brew.

Tip 46: Never drink Carling.

It's absolutely awful. The worst drink imaginable.

Paulclem

09-01-2011, 07:29 PM

Oh dear it sounds like you have had experience of drinking from an alcohol filled catheter. I don't want to know about it, yuk. Although, come to think of it, it has to be an improvement over the likes of Carling or Carlsburg from the bar. I bet Carling drinkers couldn't tell the difference between that or original catheter brew.

Tip 46: Never drink Carling.

It's absolutely awful. The worst drink imaginable.

I did - and wine bags from those boxes work too. Times were hard...

Original Catheter Brew sounds like a good name...

Alexander III

09-01-2011, 07:32 PM

Tip 44 and the dog one, are the definite winners so far :D

Tip 47: Never shake a woman's hand, like you would with a man, always press her palm softly.

Maybe it's just me, but when I see a man shake a woman's hand like he would with another man, it seems like one of the most vulgar things one could do upon introduction. Technically though, this one isn't mine, it comes from mother.

1n50mn14

09-01-2011, 07:34 PM

Tip #48: Sing it out loud.

Paulclem

09-01-2011, 07:42 PM

Tip 49: When getting, or in line for, abuse, always refer to yourself with something worse than they would. You can't be insulted then.

Some people say that's doing their job for them, but I believe in staying in control of my own image - even if it can't get any worse.

cl154576

09-01-2011, 07:42 PM

1n50mn14

09-01-2011, 07:44 PM

LitNetIsGreat

09-01-2011, 07:48 PM

I did - and wine bags from those boxes work too. Times were hard...

Original Catheter Brew sounds like a good name...

Oh those boxes are great, with the little taps? I haven't had any of those in a while. I don't think the quality of the wine is up to much, but this is somewhat negated by playing with the tap and pretending you are a barman!

Yes Carling such launch Original Catheter Brew, they wouldn't have to change the drink even.

Tip 44 and the dog one, are the definite winners so far :D

Tip 47: Never shake a woman's hand, like you would with a man, always press her palm softly.

Maybe it's just me, but when I see a man shake a woman's hand like he would with another man, it seems like one of the most vulgar things one could do upon introduction. Technically though, this one isn't mine, it comes from mother.

Which is the dog one? I'll have to look back at that one.

Is there no danger of getting your face slapped with the pressing palm business though? Maybe you would get away with it if you don't wink at the same time?

Tip 48: Investigate those wine barrels again; the ones with the taps. Wine on tap!

That could be dangerous.

God I fancy a wine and only have beer and cider. :frown2:

Edit: ha, ha the posts made at the same time above confirm my suspicions.

Alexander III

09-01-2011, 07:51 PM

I think it depends on the person.
Some women would probably be enchanted by the idea, but it makes me cringe.

I like a firm handshake. Soft ones honestly make me think less of somebody.
I'm a woman but I'm sure not a lady.

Like I said maybe it is just me - but not to be to personal but could you tell me why you gals would rather have a man give you a handshake like he would to a man?

Personally I like it when a I get treated like a man, I would find it insulting for a woman to treat me like a women - so naturally I act that way, as I guess if I feel insulted when a women treats me like a women, a women would feel insulted if I treat her like a man.

cl154576

09-01-2011, 07:56 PM

Like I said maybe it is just me - but not to be to personal but could you tell me why you gals would rather have a man give you a handshake like he would to a man?

It goes with the stereotype that women are 'softer.' Maybe some are, but I'm not that type. I like muscular handshakes firm to the point of hurting. Also, there's something disturbingly seductive to a soft palm-press.

1n50mn14

09-01-2011, 08:13 PM

Like I said maybe it is just me - but not to be to personal but could you tell me why you gals would rather have a man give you a handshake like he would to a man?

Personally I like it when a I get treated like a man, I would find it insulting for a woman to treat me like a women - so naturally I act that way, as I guess if I feel insulted when a women treats me like a women, a women would feel insulted if I treat her like a man.

While I'm not a feminist, this fits in my definition, again, of gender stereotypes- as I think we encountered on another thread. I don't want to be treated differently because of my sex. I command respect. Which, to ME, anyway, as it is a personal preference, is a firm handshake.

Agree to disagree, AlexanderIII, as I can see we are going to have our differences? ;)

Alexander III

09-01-2011, 08:25 PM

It goes with the stereotype that women are 'softer.' Maybe some are, but I'm not that type. I like muscular handshakes firm to the point of hurting. Also, there's something disturbingly seductive to a soft palm-press.

While I'm not a feminist, this fits in my definition, again, of gender stereotypes- as I think we encountered on another thread. I don't want to be treated differently because of my sex. I command respect. Which, to ME, anyway, as it is a personal preference, is a firm handshake.

Agree to disagree, AlexanderIII, as I can see we are going to have our differences? ;)

Huh, to be honest I never heard this side of the coin before, but it is interesting. Nonetheless agree to disagree as you said.

I remember an ex of mine, once told me that the way way a man introduced himself (including pressing her palm) was how she determined who to ignore and who to give her time to. And in her words "If a guy shakes my hand, we are not introducing ourselves, he is introducing himself by himself without regard to me, and I hope he likes shaking things by himself as that is all he will be doing tonight" I paraphrase as I don't remember the exact way she said it, but that was the jist of it.

Varenne Rodin

09-01-2011, 08:43 PM

Like I said maybe it is just me - but not to be to personal but could you tell me why you gals would rather have a man give you a handshake like he would to a man?

Personally I like it when a I get treated like a man, I would find it insulting for a woman to treat me like a women - so naturally I act that way, as I guess if I feel insulted when a women treats me like a women, a women would feel insulted if I treat her like a man.

As long as there is some amount of pressure to the palm press, I think it is acceptable. I wouldn't want to mistakenly think someone afraid of touching my hand. Someone took my hand at a social gathering to speak to me during an introduction. He didn't shake it, he simply held on to it for a moment while looking into my eyes and paying me a compliment. While I wasn't interested at the time, I did find his manner impressive. In America we rarely shake hands unless we're conducting business. The palm press is also rare. Most men and women just say "hey," or "hi," or the dreaded "What's up?"

qimissung

09-01-2011, 08:49 PM

I like a firm handshake myself, and hardly anybody does it well. They always half-grasp your hand, which I despise.

qimissung

09-01-2011, 08:50 PM

Those seem kind of funny coming from you qimissung, tips 38 - 40. I feel better about myself now!

I'm not sure what you mean, Vonny.

Alexander III

09-01-2011, 08:51 PM

. Someone took my hand at a social gathering to speak to me during an introduction. He didn't shake it, he simply held on to it for a moment while looking into my eyes and paying me a compliment. While I wasn't interested at the time, I did find his manner impressive.

Yep thats my classic routine as well, when meeting a girl. Palm press, gentle and scarcely noticable bow of the head, and look into her eyes and smile. Works wonders. Especially on english women, when you do it to them it is very likely the first time anyone has ever introduced themselves in such a manner to them, and they love it.

Tip 50: When meeting a woman, look into her eyes and smile. Works wonders.

qimissung

09-01-2011, 08:53 PM

Tip 23: If you're looking after the neighbour's dog while they're away on holiday and the dog dies, blu-tack the dead dog's front paws to the window as they're about to return, and then, when they've seen it and waved, take it down and pretend it died suddenly through the excitement of seeing them again.

This was one option open to us when our neighbours returned from a hospital stay once.

:lol: I'm still laughing at this one. Thank you, Paul.

Tip 51-Laugh every day.

cl154576

09-01-2011, 08:56 PM

Following Alexander's tips

Tip 52 - When meeting anybody, act natural and follow your social instinct, rather than sticking to a preconceived and overgeneralized formula.

Alexander III

09-01-2011, 08:58 PM

Following Alexander's tips

Tip 52 - When meeting anybody, act natural and follow your social instinct, rather than sticking to a preconceived and overgeneralized formula.

:angel:

qimissung

09-01-2011, 09:06 PM

:angel:

Thank you for being a gentleman, Alexander.

Tip 53-Be a gentleman or be a lady, as suits your nature and your sex.

JuniperWoolf

09-01-2011, 10:55 PM

I like a firm handshake. Soft ones honestly make me think less of somebody.
I'm a woman but I'm sure not a lady.

Hah! I've always judged people by the strength of their handshake as well, especially women. Women with limp-wristed handshakes don't see themselves as someone to be respected, they allow themselves to be controlled and directed (at least, that's my impression). The men I meet always have strong, friendly handshakes (that is, when they do in fact shake hands - usually introductions are composed of "hey"s).

Actually, I've never even encountered an introduction like the one that Alex describes. I bartend in a military environment and I live in a redneck town, and when I go to school it's in the sciences where I'm competition and not a romantic prospect. The males who are trying to hit on me are anything but dandies, they smell like beer and they spit. I try not to let them touch me so as to not get oil stains on my lace.

jajdude

09-01-2011, 11:33 PM

I find having a lot of the same pairs of socks a good idea.

LitNetIsGreat

09-02-2011, 05:00 AM

Oh, I'm not going to know how I'm supposed to shake a woman's hand in future now...I'll just avoid them!

I find having a lot of the same pairs of socks a good idea.

Me too, that's a good one, especially white socks for me as they pick up dirt easily, or at least show it.

Tip: 54 Make sure you have got plenty of socks.

Especially white ones...

MarkBastable

09-02-2011, 05:02 AM

Tip 55: Never order the pasta in a pizza place or the pizza in a pasta place.

MarkBastable

09-02-2011, 05:17 AM

Tip 23: If you're looking after the neighbour's dog while they're away on holiday and the dog dies, blu-tack the dead dog's front paws to the window as they're about to return, and then, when they've seen it and waved, take it down and pretend it died suddenly through the excitement of seeing them again.

This was one option open to us when our neighbours returned from a hospital stay once.

Much as I like this idea, you would have to explain why the very-recently-deceased dog was lying on its back with its paws sticking up stiffly in the air, like a cartoon.

LitNetIsGreat

09-02-2011, 05:24 AM

Originally Posted by Vonny
Those seem kind of funny coming from you qimissung, tips 38 - 40. I feel better about myself now!

I'm not sure what you mean, Vonny.

She means that it helps to take away the feeling of guilt when she drinks, knowing that others are doing the same.

Tip 56: Never feel guilty for enjoying life.

At least I think she meant that...

Lokasenna

09-02-2011, 05:24 AM

Tip 57: There is no such thing as 'too much tea'.

10:30 in the morning, and I'm on my fourth cup. Life is good, and the world seems manageable!

Alexander III

09-02-2011, 06:31 AM

Tip 57: There is no such thing as 'too much tea'.

10:30 in the morning, and I'm on my fourth cup. Life is good, and the world seems manageable!

On that subject

Tip 58: There is such a thing as too much coffee.

Paulclem

09-02-2011, 11:03 AM

Much as I like this idea, you would have to explain why the very-recently-deceased dog was lying on its back with its paws sticking up stiffly in the air, like a cartoon.

Yes- we were hoping for the distraction of distress.

cl154576

09-02-2011, 11:13 AM

On that subject

Tip 58: There is such a thing as too much coffee.

Ah, all the teachers I have who whine and sneer endlessly when their caffeine addictions aren't satisfied ...

Varenne Rodin

09-02-2011, 12:47 PM

55 and 57 are so apt!

Vonny

09-03-2011, 01:48 AM

She means that it helps to take away the feeling of guilt when she drinks, knowing that others are doing the same.

Tip 56: Never feel guilty for enjoying life.

At least I think she meant that...

True, Neely. I like this Tip 56, too!

Revolte

09-03-2011, 02:07 AM

Hah! I've always judged people by the strength of their handshake as well, especially women. Women with limp-wristed handshakes don't see themselves as someone to be respected, they allow themselves to be controlled and directed (at least, that's my impression). The men I meet always have strong, friendly handshakes (that is, when they do in fact shake hands - usually introductions are composed of "hey"s).

Actually, I've never even encountered an introduction like the one that Alex describes. I bartend in a military environment and I live in a redneck town, and when I go to school it's in the sciences where I'm competition and not a romantic prospect. The males who are trying to hit on me are anything but dandies, they smell like beer and they spit. I try not to let them touch me so as to not get oil stains on my lace.

What if you prefer hugs? I honestly can't stand when people try to shake my hand. Specially when I'm at a punk show. I usually tell them no and just give them a huge instead. Some situations differ.

MarkBastable

09-03-2011, 03:40 AM

I honestly can't stand when people try to shake my hand. Specially when I'm at a punk show. I usually tell them no and just give them a huge instead.

I often tell people I'd like to give them a huge, but they don't even believe I've got one.

Varenne Rodin

09-03-2011, 04:25 AM

I often tell people I'd like to give them a huge, but they don't even believe I've got one.

Hahaha. Mark, you kill me.

Melysnl

09-03-2011, 06:09 AM

#59 Live below your means. Save and hoard as much money as you possibly can, while you can!

#60 If you're female, maintain a bikini body. Food is your frenemy. I love the quote, "Taste everything! Eat nothing." (Frankel)

Alexander III

09-03-2011, 07:30 AM

I often tell people I'd like to give them a huge, but they don't even believe I've got one.

Story of my life.

I avoid hugs, unless they are necessary. So I will grant one, to a friend or some such which is leaving, but even then I do it for their sake. There is something uncomfortable in a hug, its to exposed, like you surrender yourself to another person.

I like handshakes. They are simply, and allow a person to stay comfortable, and not have to overtly show themselves to a stranger. Unlike a hug. You can tell a lot about a person from a handshake. From a hug, you can tell to much about a person, which if they are a non intimate is uncomfortable to say the least.

Besides, I was a bit to huggy with a girl one drunk time, and I got sprayed in the face with this thing that left me blind and in agony for half an hour.

qimissung

09-03-2011, 09:45 AM

True, Neely. I like this Tip 56, too!

Cheers, Neely and Vonny! :cheers2:

qimissung

09-03-2011, 09:46 AM

Story of my life.

I avoid hugs, unless they are necessary. So I will grant one, to a friend or some such which is leaving, but even then I do it for their sake. There is something uncomfortable in a hug, its to exposed, like you surrender yourself to another person.

I like handshakes. They are simply, and allow a person to stay comfortable, and not have to overtly show themselves to a stranger. Unlike a hug. You can tell a lot about a person from a handshake. From a hug, you can tell to much about a person, which if they are a non intimate is uncomfortable to say the least.

Besides, I was a bit to huggy with a girl one drunk time, and I got sprayed in the face with this thing that left me blind and in agony for half an hour.

H-u-n-h.

Tip 60-Hug someone everyday.

LitNetIsGreat

09-03-2011, 11:11 AM

Tip 61 - Always find some time for yourself each day to do nothing.

I personally like my deckchair!

Varenne Rodin

09-03-2011, 11:24 AM

Tip 62 - Tie helium balloons to your deckchair and go on a journey.

This tip inspired by Neely.

Lokasenna

09-03-2011, 11:42 AM

Tip 63: When setting work for other people, make sure you're capable of doing it as well.

I've just spent the entire afternoon sweating over a piece of translation I gave some of my students - I hadn't realised how difficult it was, and even I've been struggling to make sense of it. Poor kids, I'll have to apologise to them for this...

Emil Miller

09-03-2011, 02:22 PM

Tip 62 - Tie helium balloons to your deckchair and go on a journey.

This tip inspired by Neely.

I wouldn't recommend it this is a true story:

When Larry Walters was 13 years old, he went to a local Army-Navy surplus store and saw the weather balloons hanging from the ceiling. It was then he knew that some day he would be carried aloft by such balloons. This obsession would be with him for the next 20 years. On July 2nd, 1982, Larry tied 42 helium-filled balloons to a Sears lawn chair in the backyard of his girlfriend's house in San Pedro, California. With the help of his ground crew, Larry then secured himself into the lawn chair which was anchored to the bumper of a friend's car by two nylon tethers. He took with him many supplies, including a BB gun to shoot out the balloons when he was ready to descend. His goal was to sail across the desert and hopefully make it to the Rocky Mountains in a few days. But things didn't quite work out for Larry. After his crew purposely cut the first tether, the second one also snapped which shot Larry into the LA sky at over 1,000 feet per minute. So fast was his ascent that he lost his glasses. He then climbed to over 16,000 feet. For several hours he drifted in the cold air near the LA and Long Beach airports. A TWA pilot first spotted Larry and radioed the tower that he was passing a guy in a lawn chair at 16,000! Larry started shooting out a few balloons to start his descent but had accidentally dropped the gun. He eventually landed in a Long Beach neighborhood. Although he was entangled in some power lines, he was uninjured.

LitNetIsGreat

09-03-2011, 04:34 PM

Jesus!!

Tip 64 - Beware of helium balloons, and, have a back-up plan!

Fancy dropping the gun.

Alexander III

09-03-2011, 04:41 PM

Tip 65 - If you are a pilot and see a man in a deck chair floating on balloons - ignore him and let natural selection take its course.

JuniperWoolf

09-03-2011, 08:12 PM

[#60 If you're female, maintain a bikini body. Food is your frenemy. I love the quote, "Taste everything! Eat nothing." (Frankel)

:skep: Screw that.

Tip 66: Go ahead and eat, carbs are brain food.

Depriving yourself of food makes you stupid.

Besides, I was a bit to huggy with a girl one drunk time, and I got sprayed in the face with this thing that left me blind and in agony for half an hour.

Hahaha! I hope that this is true, picturing you getting maced by a chick is hilarious (almost but not quite as hilarious as picturing you getting punched in the face for throwing a drink on someone who's cologne was too strong).

Delta40

09-03-2011, 08:14 PM

Tip 65: If you're female, enjoy life and let your man lose himself in your lovely rolls and folds

Emil Miller

09-04-2011, 07:29 AM

Tip 65: If you're female, enjoy life and let your man lose himself in your lovely rolls and folds

Like this?

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/6800/scan0001vb.jpg

Alexander III

09-04-2011, 10:26 AM

403 Forbidden?

So revolting even the internet dares not show it....

Emil Miller

09-04-2011, 10:51 AM

403 Forbidden?

So revolting even the internet dares not show it....

No it's not revolting, just amusing. For some reason, Imageshack have been deleting selected images, if they go on doing so I will change to another company.

Alexander III

09-04-2011, 10:54 AM

No it's not revolting, just amusing. For some reason, Imageshack have been deleting selected images, if they go on doing so I will change to another company.

More cushion for the pushin - as they say I suppose

Lokasenna

09-04-2011, 12:01 PM

Like this?

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/6800/scan0001vb.jpg

This looks like a very bad entry for a caption contest...

"Doreen hadn't properly thought through her plan for hiding the body..."

Alexander III

09-04-2011, 12:18 PM

Russianwives.com - not as honest as it sounds.

OrphanPip

09-04-2011, 12:30 PM

No it's not revolting, just amusing. For some reason, Imageshack have been deleting selected images, if they go on doing so I will change to another company.

They have a sort of random screening process where people can report images as inappropriate, this is to cover them from the liability of being seen as tacitly endorsing the use of their site for the distribution of pornography or illegal images.

Emil Miller

09-04-2011, 12:37 PM

They have a sort of random screening process where people can report images as inappropriate, this is to cover them from the liability of being seen as tacitly endorsing the use of their site for the distribution of pornography or illegal images.

I would be all in favour of deleting pornographic or illegal images but surely there isn't any need to remove the above. I had to work out a way round Imageshack's deletion, something that should have been totally unnecessary.

Alexander III

09-04-2011, 12:38 PM

Like this?

http://img225.imageshack.us/img225/6800/scan0001vb.jpg

Doesn't matter had Sex.

OrphanPip

09-04-2011, 12:45 PM

I would be all in favour of deleting pornographic or illegal images but surely there isn't any need to remove the above. I had to work out a way round Imageshack's deletion, something that should have been totally unnecessary.

There's no telling what people find offensive, I once had a picture of a friend in a jacuzzi reported as pornographic (on photobucket though) for no apparent reason.

Emil Miller

09-04-2011, 01:23 PM

Doesn't matter had Sex.

No one can be certain of that.

MystyrMystyry

09-04-2011, 05:07 PM

Fat and Skinny
Went to bed
Fat rolled over
And Skinny was dead

JuniperWoolf

09-05-2011, 01:53 AM

No it's not revolting, just amusing. For some reason, Imageshack have been deleting selected images, if they go on doing so I will change to another company.

Hahaha, are you saying that you have a whole host of these stupid pictures of partially nude fat people (of which you seem to have an abundant supply) on an Imageshack account? That you actually spend time finding these pictures and saving them onto your account for... what? Do we even want to know?

Emil Miller

09-05-2011, 05:21 AM

Hahaha, are you saying that you have a whole host of these stupid pictures of partially nude fat people (of which you seem to have an abundant supply) on an Imageshack account?

Yep.

http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/8974/fatties20cause20global2.jpg

MarkBastable

09-05-2011, 05:25 AM

Tip 66: Hundred-to-one shots come off about fifty per cent of the time.

LitNetIsGreat

09-05-2011, 11:19 AM

Tip 67: Always keep in mind that work is about working as little, for as much as possible, and not the other way around.

Delta40

09-05-2011, 05:35 PM

Yep.

http://img20.imageshack.us/img20/8974/fatties20cause20global2.jpg

Tip 68: Anyone can be great if they put their mind to it.

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/fat-woman-superhero.jpg

Paulclem

09-05-2011, 05:41 PM

Tip 69: if you want to remain interested in a new bag of dry roasted peanuts, don't sniff them upon the first opening.

I did ... I did manage to get them down though...

Paulclem

09-05-2011, 05:45 PM

Tip 70: Always have sliced loaf in the cupboard to bulk out an inadequate meal.

A great Yorkshire tradition. You can make a sandwich out of anything - curry, mash, beans... anything.

Emil Miller

09-05-2011, 05:49 PM

Tip 68: Anyone can be great if they put their mind to it.

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/fat-woman-superhero.jpg

Agreed, but great in which sense of the word ?

Delta40

09-05-2011, 05:57 PM

Tip 71: Don't be afraid to step out of your safety zone

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/imagesCA6J3LS2.jpg

LitNetIsGreat

09-05-2011, 06:06 PM

Tip 70: Always have sliced loaf in the cupboard to bulk out an inadequate meal.

A great Yorkshire tradition. You can make a sandwich out of anything - curry, mash, beans... anything.

Good one. I'd ran out of everything the other week and had to give my youngest bread and butter for dinner! "ohh, bread and butter, I love bread and butter sandwiches" she said...:nod: Bless.

Tip 71: Don't be afraid to step out of your safety zone

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/imagesCA6J3LS2.jpg

Good snap and advice.

Vonny

09-06-2011, 04:28 PM

Good one. I'd ran out of everything the other week and had to give my youngest bread and butter for dinner! "ohh, bread and butter, I love bread and butter sandwiches" she said...:nod: Bless.

Aw, she loves Daddy feeding her!

(wait, I'm not sure if you're called Daddy in England. You don't have "mommy" so I don't know if you have "daddy.")

Emil Miller

09-06-2011, 06:09 PM

Aw, she loves Daddy feeding her!

(wait, I'm not sure if you're called Daddy in England. You don't have "mommy" so I don't know if you have "daddy.")

Yes Daddy is the normal term that children use in England although there are variants. Mommy seems to be peculiar to the USA but its English equivalent is Mummy. In France it's Papa and Maman and in Germany it's Vatti and Mutti.
It's not difficult to see the connection.

Alexander III

09-06-2011, 06:28 PM

Tip 71: Never play cards with a friend

MarkBastable

09-06-2011, 06:48 PM

Tip 71: Never play cards with a friend

Well, that's my social life stone-dead then.

Alexander III

09-06-2011, 07:01 PM

Well, that's my social life stone-dead then.

Should have clarified, I meant play cards (for money)

Delta40

09-06-2011, 07:47 PM

Tip 72: Endeavour to communicate effectively with others

http://i1108.photobucket.com/albums/h411/delta40/ThisGuyIsFalling.jpg

krymsonkyng

09-06-2011, 08:02 PM

Tip 73 (and the first rule of tending): Never leave a knife on the bar.

JuniperWoolf

09-06-2011, 09:22 PM

Tip 73 (and the first rule of tending): Never leave a knife on the bar.

Good call. Also don't leave hard liquor bottles within reach, because people will grab them.

MarkBastable

09-07-2011, 02:21 AM

Should have clarified, I meant play cards (for money)

Yep - still stone-dead.

tonywalt

09-07-2011, 06:03 PM

Tip 74 Drink all the wines, but know that some are only meant to be sipped.

Maximilianus

09-07-2011, 06:31 PM

Tip 75: always remember that although words belong with words, they belong much more with facts.

Paulclem

09-07-2011, 06:38 PM

Tip 76: Don't try DIY plumbing late on a Friday evening.

I did ....

Paulclem

09-07-2011, 06:39 PM

Tip 77: Empty your boiler and turn off the water before you unscrew the top.

I didn't....twice

LitNetIsGreat

09-07-2011, 06:49 PM

Tip 78: Don't do DIY at all, ever.

Put it off for as long as possible (years if you can) and then pay someone to do it, or get the family expert to do it for cups of tea and a beer.

If you get into the DIY habit you will never ever have peace in your house as there will always be jobs to do. You will never rest or find a quiet moment for the rest of your life. The more DIY you do; the more you will be expected do to, so don't do it in the first place!

Tip 79: Don't do DIY, at all, ever.

So important it has to be repeated twice!

This does not mean that you can get away without general household maintenance like cutting the grass or hoovering. I don't mean that. "DIY" in the context I mean, is like redecorating the bathroom or some such nonsense - trust me, it has got many more years in it yet. Woodchip is still all the fashion I'm sure.

Paulclem

09-07-2011, 06:54 PM

Yes - but I get power tools for birthdays ... i do like power tools...

LitNetIsGreat

09-07-2011, 07:17 PM

Yes - but I get power tools for birthdays ... i do like power tools...

My dad really enjoyed the drill that my brother bought for him for his birthday (and cast aside the cookbook I bought him...)

However, if someone bought me a power tool for a birthday or Christmas I would be totally devastated. I would want to know why they didn't buy me a Lynx duel pack or some socks or golf mug instead (even though I haven't played golf for at least six years). I don't even own proper screwdrivers. My only hammer is a toffee one. I don't do DIY> if you haven't gathered...:biggrin5:

There is only one thing worse that work and that is work you don't get paid for - even work that costs you money!!

Come on people, reject DIY totally, forever.:nod: Embrance tips (rules) 78/79.

Neely is totally correct here!!!

Paulclem

09-07-2011, 07:37 PM

My dad really enjoyed the drill that my brother bought for him for his birthday (and cast aside the cookbook I bought him...)

:lol:

You bought him a cookbook?

Now I understand that we men don't get what we really want for Christmas from those who are not in the know - games consoles - games - masses of books - DVD Boxsets of things like band of brothers - family games that include electric shocks for the losers - shorts - tracksuits - bikes - etc etc
but you - a fellow man get him a cookbook????!!!

:biggrin5: - I jest of course...

Gilliatt Gurgle

09-07-2011, 08:56 PM

Tip 78: Don't do DIY at all, ever

Put it off for as long as possible (years if you can) and then pay someone to do it, or get the family expert to do it for cups of tea and a beer.

If you get into the DIY habit you will never ever have peace in your house as there will always be jobs to do. You will never rest or find a quiet moment for the rest of your life. The more DIY you do; the more you will be expected do to, so don't do it in the first place!

Tip 79: Don't do DIY, at all, ever.

So important it has to be repeated twice!

This does not mean that you can get away without general household maintenance like cutting the grass or hoovering. I don't mean that. "DIY" in the context I mean, is like redecorating the bathroom or some such nonsense - trust me, it has got many more years in it yet. Woodchip is still all the fashion I'm sure.

:lol:

You bought him a cookbook?

Now I understand that we men don't get what we really want for Christmas from those who are not in the know - games consoles - games - masses of books - DVD Boxsets of things like band of brothers - family games that include electric shocks for the losers - shorts - tracksuits - bikes - etc etc
but you - a fellow man get him a cookbook????!!!

:biggrin5: - I jest of course...

Ha!
I suffer from the dreaded DIY disease, but honestly I do feel a sense of pride once a project is complete. The key word being "complete".
Rarley does a DIY ever complete a project!

My tip:
80- If you're a DIY, don't take on too many projects at one time and complete the ones you decide to tackle!

Oh and here's a classic:
81- Don't eat the yellow snow

.

MarkBastable

09-07-2011, 09:02 PM

Double post...

MarkBastable

09-07-2011, 09:06 PM

Tip 78: Don't do DIY at all, ever.

A good friend of mine said, "DIY - Don't Involve Yourself."

I live by that. I'm not interested, I'm untalented, and I feel that the money I earn being good at other things should be given to people who are good at that stuff.

This does not mean that you can get away without general household maintenance like cutting the grass or hoovering.

Yeah, it does.

JuniperWoolf

09-07-2011, 10:27 PM

DIY fashion can be pretty sharp, but since I'm talking to the anti-fashionistas I guess I'm not changing anyone's mind.

Maximilianus

09-07-2011, 11:53 PM

Tip 82: never take a seemingly good samaritan for a friend until they've proven that they really are, and even then, watch out for those with an easiness to switch sides. In other words, distrust your own shadow and always be prepared to engage in combat http://smiles.kolobok.us/user/commander_01.gif

The Comedian

09-08-2011, 10:01 AM

Tip 83: Every once in a while, take your laptop or computer monitor and turn it so the screen faces away from you, and all you see are the connecting wires and blinking lights. Then go about your business.

tonywalt

09-08-2011, 10:12 AM

Tip 84 Never buy DIY tools for someone as a gift

I have enough and only out of necessity. Buy me a Vacheron Constantin watch or maybe a Breguet or even a Patek Philippe. And throw in box of Monte Cristo cigars. Also....hold on..thinking...

LitNetIsGreat

09-08-2011, 10:13 AM

:lol:

You bought him a cookbook?

Now I understand that we men don't get what we really want for Christmas from those who are not in the know - games consoles - games - masses of books - DVD Boxsets of things like band of brothers - family games that include electric shocks for the losers - shorts - tracksuits - bikes - etc etc
but you - a fellow man get him a cookbook????!!!

:biggrin5: - I jest of course...

Well in my defence it wasn't just any old cookbook, it was River Cottage Everyday by Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall! Great book.

A good friend of mine said, "DIY - Don't Involve Yourself."

I live by that. I'm not interested, I'm untalented, and I feel that the money I earn being good at other things should be given to people who are good at that stuff.

Yeah, it does.

:nod: True. I just didn't want to appear too lazy; I don't want to give off the wrong impression of myself!

Alexander III

09-08-2011, 02:39 PM

This one may make sense only to the english here but

Tip 85: Don't watch Peep Show before a night out...

You will spend the entire time awkwardly talking in your head like Mark

Emil Miller

09-08-2011, 06:19 PM

Tip 86; Always remember Alexander 111's dictum re LitNet:

And so do not think of this as a dark oak room full of super serious men in top hats and tail coats. Rather think of this forum as a nice golden farm, full of hillbillies playing songs and discussing Noam Chomsky

Maximilianus

09-10-2011, 02:44 AM

Tip 87: tuck tail.

The Comedian

09-11-2011, 09:48 PM

Tip 88: Watch an episode of Northern Exposure every now and then. It'll re-charge your spiritual batteries.

qimissung

09-12-2011, 08:51 PM

I love that show!

Tip 89-Spring clean your house once a year. It's a pain in the b***, but well worth it. Your house will feel all shiny and new again.

MystyrMystyry

09-12-2011, 09:06 PM

Maximilianus

09-12-2011, 11:13 PM

Tip 91: know and accept that the only people to be kept in your life are the people that keep you in theirs.

MarkBastable

09-13-2011, 02:24 AM

I love that show!

Tip 89-Spring clean your house once a year. It's a pain in the b***, but well worth it. Your house will feel all shiny and new again.

I think this needs a slight adjustment before it's sufficiently honed to make it into the soon-to-be compiled LitNet Guide to Life. I've had a bit of a shot at editing it...

Tip 89-Spring clean your house once a year. It's a pain in the b***, but well worth it. Your house will feel all shiny and new again. Unless of course you invested a huge amount of time and money finding and buying a house that was neither shiny nor new, because shiny, new houses tend to be characterless and, more to the point, badly-designed, and anyway, although you don't mind a certain amount of non-obsessive cleanliness which is not at all the same thing as shininess and newness, you have a thing for Edwardian and Victorian domestic architecture, which, obviously, is anything but new and if it's shiny that'll only be because you've over-polished the original brass door-handles which somehow, thank God, survived the Sixties' and Seventies' fashion for wholesale desecration of turn-of-the-century houses, which was an attempt, broadly-speaking, to make them feel all shiny and new again.

It might need a light-touch line-edit, just to really sharpen up the pithiness, but I think my almost imperceptible modification adds something...

MarkBastable

09-13-2011, 02:52 AM

Tip 91: the only people to be kept in your life are the people that keep you in theirs.

So if both parties were to take that advice, which party should start the keeping first?

"What's going on? You're not keeping me in your life!"

"Well, you're not keeping me in your life. I only keep in my life the people that keep me in theirs."

"Well, excuse me - but I only keep in my life the people who keep me in theirs."

"I think you'll find that I was only keeping in my life the people who keep me in theirs way before you were. So you have to keep me in your life before I'll even consider keeping you in mine."

"So - you saying you won't keep me in your life unless I keep you in my life first? I don't think so! You just better start keeping me in your life right now!"

..and so on.

Paulclem

09-13-2011, 05:38 PM

:lol:

You're on form tonight Mark. You'll have to moderate those performance enhancing drugs...

Maximilianus

09-13-2011, 11:13 PM

So if both parties were to take that advice, which party should start the keeping first?

"What's going on? You're not keeping me in your life!"

"Well, you're not keeping me in your life. I only keep in my life the people that keep me in theirs."

"Well, excuse me - but I only keep in my life the people who keep me in theirs."

"I think you'll find that I was only keeping in my life the people who keep me in theirs way before you were. So you have to keep me in your life before I'll even consider keeping you in mine."

"So - you saying you won't keep me in your life unless I keep you in my life first? I don't think so! You just better start keeping me in your life right now!"

..and so on.
It's actually much simpler if you put a little less mind to it. In other words, too much mind to it kills its simplicity.

So if both parties were to take that advice, which party should start the keeping first?
Simple answer. There's often one party more interested than the other in... let's frame it simple for a change... friendship. The more interested party is always the party that starts the keeping first, and when they realize to be getting little or no feedback, this same party should be the first to start the unkeeping as well. It's like putting away an empty glass because there's nothing in it to be sipped. Looks simple to me.

qimissung

09-15-2011, 12:15 PM

I've just done mine at the request of my landlord - but I couldn't spring clean him away (or even shiny and new) - so I'm stuck with the same old-...

90 - Invest in a smart phone that you can play games on - it may only be asteroids, and only a game, but there's a distinct feeling of accomplishment when you reach THE HIGHEST SCORE IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

Those pesky landlords are hard to wash out, aren't they? They persist in being a blot upon our existence!

I think this needs a slight adjustment before it's sufficiently honed to make it into the soon-to-be compiled LitNet Guide to Life. I've had a bit of a shot at editing it...

Tip 89-Spring clean your house once a year. It's a pain in the b***, but well worth it. Your house will feel all shiny and new again. Unless of course you invested a huge amount of time and money finding and buying a house that was neither shiny nor new, because shiny, new houses tend to be characterless and, more to the point, badly-designed, and anyway, although you don't mind a certain amount of non-obsessive cleanliness which is not at all the same thing as shininess and newness, you have a thing for Edwardian and Victorian domestic architecture, which, obviously, is anything but new and if it's shiny that'll only be because you've over-polished the original brass door-handles which somehow, thank God, survived the Sixties' and Seventies' fashion for wholesale desecration of turn-of-the-century houses, which was an attempt, broadly-speaking, to make them feel all shiny and new again.

It might need a light-touch line-edit, just to really sharpen up the pithiness, but I think my almost imperceptible modification adds something...

No, I think you got it about right, MarkBastable; I'd just eliminate the ninth word-after the dash-on the sixth line, maybe.

If I was to be fortunate enough to live in a Victorian house-my dream home-I would be floating in a cloud of new and shiny happiness-because it-since it's my dream-would be perfect. :D

TheFifthElement

09-15-2011, 01:22 PM

92 (I think) - never watch the news.

(it makes me cross)

qimissung

09-15-2011, 03:03 PM

Good one, Fifth. Maybe if we all banned the news it would go away.

#92-Don't worry if the colors in your life don't match.

Paulclem

09-15-2011, 03:28 PM

92 (I think) - never watch the news.

(it makes me cross)

Doesn't it just. I keep watching though. It's not the news as such, but the terrible omission of everything except the most exceptional beyond our shores. What was it the BBC had on - Avon Ladies - on the morning news, and yet they hardly mentioned the big firefight in Kabul where 6 people were killed. (Of course they must have been Afghans to have merited so little coverage)

Grrr - there. I'm all annoyed again. And that's only the start....

Anyway...

Tip 93: If you have to get changed in a public cubicle, (as I do from my cycling kit sometimes), wear shoes you can stand on....

... or buy new socks... after...

MarkBastable

09-15-2011, 03:34 PM

Good one, Fifth. Maybe if we all banned the news it would go away.

#92-Don't worry if the colors in your life don't match.

I'm with you on that. I find it hard to trust people whose outfits are colour-coordinated. An ex of mine was the kind of person who, if asked to take a Dalmatian for a walk, would dress in black and white.

prendrelemick

09-15-2011, 04:56 PM

#94 Eat McVities' milk chocolate homewheat buiscuits.

Emil Miller

09-15-2011, 05:12 PM

# 95: When drinking brandy, always make sure that it's Rémy Martin.

MarkBastable

09-15-2011, 05:29 PM

#96 Neither brandy nor McVities milk chocolate homewheat biscuits are very palatable, but it might be worth experimenting with the idea of dunking the latter in the former.

Emil Miller

09-15-2011, 05:33 PM

#96 Neither brandy nor McVities milk chocolate homewheat biscuits are very palatable, but it might be worth experimenting with the idea of dunking the latter in the former.

:lol:

1n50mn14

09-15-2011, 08:20 PM

#97- work at a place where you get free food every shift. It cuts down expenses and gives you something to look forward to.

Darcy88

09-16-2011, 01:44 AM

#97- work at a place where you get free food every shift. It cuts down expenses and gives you something to look forward to.

So true! I get a free meal every shift where I work. If you eat the standard three meals a day this reduces your food costs by a clean third. Its gotten me through a few periods of being stark broke. And it does give you something to look forward to, I know exactly what you mean.

#98 - If you ever feel overwhelmed, take 10 deep breaths, counting up on each inhalation. Works wonders

Helga

09-16-2011, 05:31 AM

#98 - If you ever feel overwhelmed, take 10 deep breaths, counting up on each inhalation. Works wonders

this also works if you are very tired and need to wake up, that is if coffee doesn't do that for you.

Olga4real

09-17-2011, 01:42 AM

#99 Tip for ladies: buy some nice lingerie (and/or jewelry), it makes you feel better, if you are a gentleman buy some nice lingerie (and/or jewelry) for your lady.

http://myalz.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Jewellery.jpg

Vonny

09-17-2011, 02:03 AM

#100: Only buy nice lingerie and/or jewelry if you can comfortably afford it, without increasing your credit card debt, because there's no worse feeling in the world than bills coming in the mail that you can't pay, and the interest mounting... and also, don't manipulate other people into buying you stuff that you don't need at all.

Olga4real

09-17-2011, 03:17 AM

#101: Don't let money control your life!

"If you want to be happy, be."
Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

Vonny

09-17-2011, 03:34 AM

#102: Once one's basic needs are met, all happiness and joy comes from within - (and from friends and animals, but certainly not from lingerie and jewelry.)

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 03:44 AM

#100: .... there's no worse feeling in the world than bills coming in the mail that you can't pay....

...oh, there must be.

Vonny

09-17-2011, 03:54 AM

...oh, there must be.

You got me here! :lol: There are many worse things! But it's not a lack of lingerie and jewelry.

MystyrMystyry

09-17-2011, 04:20 AM

103 - Take lazy afternoon naps

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 04:37 AM

Tip 104: "I find that ninety percent of the things I worry about don't happen. Also, of the things that do happen, it wouldn't have occurred to me to worry about half of them. Therefore, the more things I worry about, the fewer things are likely to happen."

Olga4real

09-17-2011, 05:01 AM

Tip 105: Never lose your ability to laugh.

#102: Once one's basic needs are met, all happiness and joy comes from within - (and from friends and animals, but certainly not from lingerie and jewelry.)

I've never said that lingerie or jewelry cam make anybody happy, it gives some feeling for comfort, I personally appreciate these things more than any money on my account.

Lokasenna

09-17-2011, 06:36 AM

Tip #106: Learn to say 'no'.

I'm awful at this.

"Hey David, would you mind giving up an entire day's work to run through mindless-exercise-number-forty-two with me?" "Hey David, would you mind proofreading my 20,000 word thesis on Marxist economics?" "Hey David, would you help me build a three-room extension on my house?" "Hey David, would you help me dispose of the bodies?"

Life is dumping far too much work on me at the moment, but I'm still pathalogically incapable of turning down a request for help...

jajdude

09-17-2011, 07:34 AM

A good idea that I tend to forget is to take a certain amount of cash with me when going out and leave the bank card behind. I've had some expensive nights knowing I had that card. Just make sure you've got enough to get a cab back if needed.

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 07:54 AM

#102: Once one's basic needs are met, all happiness and joy comes from within - (and from friends and animals, but certainly not from lingerie and jewelry.)

I have to say that I've had more happiness and joy from lingerie than from the entire animal kingdom.

Vonny

09-17-2011, 01:51 PM

I have to say that I've had more happiness and joy from lingerie than from the entire animal kingdom.

I'm glad you like sexy women! :) But I generally get more happiness and comfort from my flannel and my down comforter (which requires geese) and being able to heat my home in winter.

Several years ago a guy friend of mine asked me if he could have a pair of my panties. I thought it was an odd request, but I said okay. He went through my drawer and picked out something. I was surprised at what he wanted. It was one of the most worn out and cheapest items I owned. (And now I'm reminded that guys like cheap.) Months later, or maybe a year later, I was at his home and he opened his drawer, and I couldn't believe that those underwear were in his drawer. He still had them! I still wonder what he was doing with them. I'm not sure how this fits. I just think that a lot of that sexy lingerie looks uncomfortable and is unnecessary, unless a woman wants to attract every lecher in the kingdom. Nowadays I like good underwear that fits well, but to me it's always called underwear.

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 02:03 PM

I was at his home and he opened his drawer, and I couldn't believe that those underwear were in his drawer. He still had them! I still wonder what he was doing with them.

...............don't type anything, don't type anything, leave it be, don't type anything...

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 02:16 PM

Tip #106: Learn to say 'no'.

A corollary of this would be

Tip 107: Doing nothing is often something.

I used to go to a lot of pubs and parties and restaurants just because people would call and say, "You doing anything tonight?" and I'd confess I wasn't. Then they'd invite me somewhere and I'd feel that, having said I was doing nothing else, I was obliged to go. The only way out of it was to lie at the outset.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"Yeah - I'm, er, going to see my sister in hospital."

In my thirties, when a lot of stuff was occurring to me about myself, I realised that the choice was not simply between whether to acquiesce or to tell fibs.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"No."

"Great! Want to meet me at The Grapes for a game of pool?"

"Sorry, I can't. I'm not doing anything tonight. That's what I want to do."

The principle applies to problems, too.

"This is going to be a mess. What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing."

"You've got to do something!"

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to do nothing. If we leave it alone, it'll sort itself out."

A lot (but not all) problems will simply run out of gas and collapse if you don't keep topping up their tank with energetic attempts to 'do something'.

Paulclem

09-17-2011, 04:13 PM

#99 if you are a gentleman buy some nice lingerie for your lady.

http://myalz.org/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Jewellery.jpg

I'm afraid that it'll elicit a response like - "You want me to wear what!!"

That was just for a suggestion about a scarf...

I tend not to make suggestions about clothes... anymore.

If buying clothes was a skill in a computer game, I'd be a Level 4 Inept.

Vonny

09-17-2011, 04:35 PM

I'm afraid that it'll elicit a response like - "You want me to wear what!!"

That was just for a suggestion about a scarf...

I tend not to make suggestions about clothes... anymore.

If buying clothes was a skill in a computer game, I'd be a Level 4 Inept.

Paul, if you are a gentleman you hand over your credit card. It's very simple to please a lady.

Tip #106: Learn to say 'no'.

A corollary of this would be

Tip 107: Doing nothing is often something.

These two are really good!

#108: Never do more for other people than they do for you.

MarkBastable

09-17-2011, 06:58 PM

#108: Never do more for other people than they do for you.

Why not?

MystyrMystyry

09-17-2011, 07:07 PM

Because people can tend to be a bunch of selfish unappreciative rectal cavities?

Calidore

09-17-2011, 07:24 PM

But isn't this...

#108: Never do more for other people than they do for you.

...the very definition of this?

Because people can tend to be a bunch of selfish unappreciative rectal cavities?

Paulclem

09-17-2011, 07:42 PM

Tip 109: As Life is often a struggle against the containment of fluids, always have kitchen roll/ towels.

I do.... now....

Vonny

09-17-2011, 09:05 PM

No Calidore, #108 is for Lokasenna.

Tip #106: Learn to say 'no'.

I'm awful at this.

"Hey David, would you mind giving up an entire day's work to run through mindless-exercise-number-forty-two with me?" "Hey David, would you mind proofreading my 20,000 word thesis on Marxist economics?" "Hey David, would you help me build a three-room extension on my house?" "Hey David, would you help me dispose of the bodies?"

Life is dumping far too much work on me at the moment, but I'm still pathalogically incapable of turning down a request for help...

Olga4real

09-18-2011, 01:48 AM

I'm afraid that it'll elicit a response like - "You want me to wear what!!"

That was just for a suggestion about a scarf...

I tend not to make suggestions about clothes... anymore.

If buying clothes was a skill in a computer game, I'd be a Level 4 Inept.

It's not easy to pick clothes as a present for somebody both men and women, but I am sure if you give her a little box with a diamond ring she won't ask if you want her to wear that.

Vonny

09-18-2011, 02:15 AM

It's not easy to pick clothes as a present for somebody both men and women, but I am sure if you give her a little box with a diamond ring she won't ask if you want her to wear that.

My mother has a lot of diamonds to pass on to me, and I couldn't care less about them. I guess I'll put them in a safe-deposit and if I ever have trouble paying my electric bill I'll sell them.

This is so ridiculous! ...Lingerie and diamonds are very boring, even in conversation!

Olga4real

09-18-2011, 03:40 AM

My mother has a lot of diamonds to pass on to me, and I couldn't care less about them. I guess I'll put them in a safe-deposit and if I ever have trouble paying my electric bill I'll sell them.

This is so ridiculous! ...Lingerie and diamonds are very boring, even in conversation!

You are funny, you find this topic boring, though you've posted the most comments on it. Why is that?

JuniperWoolf

09-18-2011, 06:14 AM

I used to go to a lot of pubs and parties and restaurants just because people would call and say, "You doing anything tonight?" and I'd confess I wasn't. Then they'd invite me somewhere and I'd feel that, having said I was doing nothing else, I was obliged to go. The only way out of it was to lie at the outset.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"Yeah - I'm, er, going to see my sister in hospital."

In my thirties, when a lot of stuff was occurring to me about myself, I realised that the choice was not simply between whether to acquiesce or to tell fibs.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"No."

"Great! Want to meet me at The Grapes for a game of pool?"

"Sorry, I can't. I'm not doing anything tonight. That's what I want to do."

The principle applies to problems, too.

"This is going to be a mess. What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing."

"You've got to do something!"

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to do nothing. If we leave it alone, it'll sort itself out."

A lot (but not all) problems will simply run out of gas and collapse if you don't keep topping up their tank with energetic attempts to 'do something'.

This might have changed my life. I'm so tired of making up stupid fibs. "I can't go to the bar tonight I have... my goldfish died and I'm... burying it. We were very close." Instead I'll try the "I'm doing nothing. Nothing is what I want to do, and it's what I'm doing."

Paul, if you are a gentleman you hand over your credit card. It's very simple to please a lady.

Humph! If some guy handed me his fancy credit card and told me "buy myself something pretty" I'd take it as an insult and try to bite his bottom lip off (sorry Paul, I guess it is difficult to find something that would please all women - maybe you could get her some Junior Mints? No one hates Junior Mints).

qimissung

09-18-2011, 11:43 AM

#110-Let people be who they are.

Vonny

09-18-2011, 01:15 PM

#110-Let people be who they are.

This is good.

It's not easy to pick clothes as a present for somebody both men and women, but I am sure if you give her a little box with a diamond ring she won't ask if you want her to wear that.

You are funny, you find this topic boring, though you've posted the most comments on it. Why is that?

Paul is a conscientious father stretched to the limit with educating his kids and caring for sick relatives, and his wife as well. Paul would like to have a Kindle but doesn't get one, for some reason. I don't see why he needs to give diamonds. And his wife might appreciate Junior Mints more.

The reason this topic is boring is because it continues on and on, and it's sapping the life out of what was a fun thread.

A corollary of this would be

Tip 107: Doing nothing is often something.

I used to go to a lot of pubs and parties and restaurants just because people would call and say, "You doing anything tonight?" and I'd confess I wasn't. Then they'd invite me somewhere and I'd feel that, having said I was doing nothing else, I was obliged to go. The only way out of it was to lie at the outset.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"Yeah - I'm, er, going to see my sister in hospital."

In my thirties, when a lot of stuff was occurring to me about myself, I realised that the choice was not simply between whether to acquiesce or to tell fibs.

"You doing anything tonight?"

"No."

"Great! Want to meet me at The Grapes for a game of pool?"

"Sorry, I can't. I'm not doing anything tonight. That's what I want to do."

The principle applies to problems, too.

"This is going to be a mess. What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing."

"You've got to do something!"

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to do nothing. If we leave it alone, it'll sort itself out."

A lot (but not all) problems will simply run out of gas and collapse if you don't keep topping up their tank with energetic attempts to 'do something'.

I felt the same as you about this one Juniper. It's life changing, along with saying "no." I have this with my mother, all of my energetic attempts to do something.

If I don't try to fix it, it will work out somehow.

Olga4real

09-18-2011, 02:05 PM

#110-Never lose your sense of humor (of course if you have it at all)

LitNetIsGreat

09-18-2011, 02:21 PM

#110-Never lose your sense of humor (of course if you have it)

Good one.

Tip 111: Get away from all of the noise.

It makes every sense.

I was going to pull them together from 1-50, 51-100 etc, but it seems like too much effort now - I'm lazy by default.

Paulclem

09-18-2011, 06:34 PM

It's not easy to pick clothes as a present for somebody both men and women, but I am sure if you give her a little box with a diamond ring she won't ask if you want her to wear that.

Ruby ring. I have bought jewellery before unsupervised. :lol:

Gilliatt Gurgle

09-18-2011, 06:57 PM

.

Tip 112: Don't send your husband and son out to get your feminine products

It's misery on them and a guarantee they will not get it right...the package was thrown in my face.

.

Vonny

09-18-2011, 08:43 PM

I've never said that lingerie or jewelry cam make anybody happy, it gives some feeling for comfort, I personally appreciate these things more than any money on my account.

Just want to say, I apologize for responding to you as I did. I've thought about Qimi's "Let people be who they are," and then I read MarkBastable's reply on the "Life Sucks" thread over several times.

It's just that I have trouble understanding some things, especially with women it seems. See, I just come from a different "place", and to me this kind of statement sounds absolutely outrageous. I was wondering, did I miss some humor in it? But no. My mother also gets comfort from jewelry. I just have trouble understanding because of the way I grew up with no feeling of security, and my mother grew up differently than I did, in which she did feel a sense of security. You get comfort from lingerie and jewelry, and I get comfort from having money. They are equally valid. So I'm sorry if I took the humor out of the thread.

.

Tip 112: Don't send your husband and son out to get your feminine products

It's misery on them and a guarantee they will not get it right...the package was thrown in my face.

.

At least be glad she didn't use them first Gilliatt, or you'd need Tip #109! :lol:

Tip 109: As Life is often a struggle against the containment of fluids, always have kitchen roll/ towels.

qimissung

09-19-2011, 11:55 AM

.

Tip 112: Don't send your husband and son out to get your feminine products

It's misery on them and a guarantee they will not get it right...the package was thrown in my face.

.

:lol: Frankly, it just never works when you send someone else to do your shopping for you, have you ever noticed that? My parents biggest fight was over the pink toilet paper he kept bringing home when she specifically asked for another color, white I think. I could never figure out why that was so important, but I think she did not feel listened to, and that I do understand.

Sorry, Gilliat, you tried, anyway.

Tip 113: Do your own shopping!

And Vonny, thank you. Olga is really, really nice. She is a loving person and kind to animals. :D No, really, she is.

I think the men in either of your lives would not be left guessing what you thought or felt!

Actually, my sons got me a watch with diamonds on it for my birthday. I didn't ask for it, but I was quite touched by it.

Tip 114: Recieve all gifts with grace and pleasure (and little squeals of happiness if it's really what you wanted)

Hurricane

09-19-2011, 01:20 PM

Olga4real

09-19-2011, 04:00 PM

Just want to say, I apologize for responding to you as I did. I've thought about Qimi's "Let people be who they are," and then I read MarkBastable's reply on the "Life Sucks" thread over several times.

It's just that I have trouble understanding some things, especially with women it seems. See, I just come from a different "place", and to me this kind of statement sounds absolutely outrageous. I was wondering, did I miss some humor in it? But no. My mother also gets comfort from jewelry. I just have trouble understanding because of the way I grew up with no feeling of security, and my mother grew up differently than I did, in which she did feel a sense of security. You get comfort from lingerie and jewelry, and I get comfort from having money. They are equally valid. So I'm sorry if I took the humor out of the thread.

You don't have to apologize, Vonny. You won't believe but I don't have a single diamond at all, nor I am going to buy any, I rarely can afford buying a really high quality lingerie. If I had money I would divide the amount into three parts give the two to my daughters and the rest I would spend on travelling - I have never been outside of Europe. I would give some money to our local dog shelter as well.
However if I ever get a diamond as a gift I will not refuse it and would wear it gladly (of course if the jewelry suits my taste).

Olga is really, really nice.

I think the men in either of your lives would not be left guessing what you thought or felt!

Actually, my sons got me a watch with diamonds on it for my birthday. I didn't ask for it, but I was quite touched by it.

Tip 114: Recieve all gifts with grace and pleasure (and little squeals of happiness if it's really what you wanted)

Thank you for kind words you are too nice to me. I also was touched by your sons' gift.

Vonny

09-19-2011, 10:24 PM

Olga, I hope someone gives you some nice diamonds. And Qimissung that's really nice about your watch.

I don't know why I'd be contrary with someone who has a cat avatar. I don't know why sometimes my mind goes into these strange phases lately. My thinking was really off for a couple of days. (Anyway, I'm taking a medication that should help, but apparently it takes a while to take effect, and in the meantime it's making me feel worse than ever - but hopefully I can stop routinely tyrannizing this forum soon!)

JuniperWoolf

09-20-2011, 03:19 AM

Tip 118: Don't ever, ever, read youtube comments.

Lokasenna

09-20-2011, 04:42 AM

Tip 118: Don't ever, ever, read youtube comments.

Tip 119: Don't ever, ever, make youtube comments.

:lol:

Scheherazade

09-20-2011, 06:13 AM

Tip 115: Always at least say hi to everyone you meet.

Tip 116: If you ask someone how they're doing, actually take the time to listen to their response.

Tip 117: A little physical discomfort every once in a while can be beneficial. I agree wholeheartedly with the first two!

The last one... Well, depends on why and where and who(m), I guess ;)

symphony

09-20-2011, 11:44 AM

LitNetIsGreat

09-21-2011, 05:54 PM

Tip 121 - Drink a little beer everyday.

It always makes me happy.:smilewinkgrin: (I suppose this could be substituted for your choice of drink, but really, there are some great beers out there.)

MarkBastable

09-21-2011, 06:02 PM

Tip 120: If you're a student moving out every once in a while in the eternal quest for the cheapest place available around, do NOT hoard things that look useless now. They are, for the most part, useless later on as well.

This applies whoever you are. Even if you're not a student. Even if you don't plan to move. Especially if you're my wife. Though if you were my wife, you'd have to be convinced that the things you hoard do, in fact, look useless now. Which they do, even if you think that they're going to come in handy practically next week. They won't. That's how we ended up with eight gravy boats. In ten years of marriage, kid, we've never used more than one gravy boat, and even that's only about every five months, when we have people round and we're doing something that involves gravy. So, you know, get a grip. Chuck some of this stuff out before I carelessly open a cupboard or, more likely, the door to a little-visited room, and I'm killed by an avalanche of unrepairable antique mirrors.

Vonny

09-21-2011, 06:13 PM

Tip 121 - Drink a little beer everyday.

It always makes me happy.:smilewinkgrin: (I suppose this could be substituted for your choice of drink, but really, there are some great beers out there.)

Oh, I agree Neely! I gave mine up when I went on my new psych medication and I miss it - that drink slightly frozen because I forgot it in the freezer! I think I'll try drinking one today and see what happens. :crazy:

LitNetIsGreat

09-21-2011, 06:38 PM

Oh, I agree Neely! I gave mine up when I went on my new psych medication and I miss it - that drink slightly frozen because I forgot it in the freezer! I think I'll try drinking one today and see what happens. :crazy:

Oh that's a shame. Maybe if you drank a little beer, especially Belgian:yesnod:, you wouldn't need have psych med?

I'm not advocating alcoholism. Just a few nice beers at the end of a hard day. That for me is pretty good. A bath and then a few beers sees me through most days to be honest. I've even got a strange cold and headache (probably from too much coffee, the headache) but a little quality beer each day = a happy smile.:smile5:

Audio books. I must get some audio books. I hate being too tired to read, a little audio book at night could be the answer?

Tip 122 - Invest in (or borrow from the library) audio books.

I only have one audio book, Milton's Paradise Lost complete and unabridged, well if you are only going to have one it's not a bad one to have I suppose...

Scheherazade

09-21-2011, 06:56 PM

Audio books. I must get some audio books. I hate being too tired to read, a little audio book at night could be the answer?

Tip 122 - Invest in (or borrow from the library) audio books.

I only have one audio book, Milton's Paradise Lost complete and unabridged, well if you are only going to have one it's not a bad one to have I suppose...I can never listened to audiobooks... Tried so many times but after the first five minutes, my mind drifts off and find myself thinking of next day's shopping list or what happened in the class on that day or what not.

Having said that I do have some friends who always listen to them especially when they drive and seem very happy with them.

Tip 123 - Eat grapes daily.

Paulclem

09-22-2011, 02:06 AM

I enjoyed listening to Bill Bryson whilst I was redecorating a couple of years ago. I wouldn't just sit and listen though.

Tip 124: Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. (That irritated little voice inside your head that criticises, curses and complains about every little irritation and small inconveniance that people put your way. This is in fact a demon that that will possess you if you allow it to become your subconcious commentator of choice. You will then turn into one of those odd little old folk that inhabit houses on the edges of estates and who gesticulate wildly at passers-by for the misfortunes of... everything. Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. Go placidly amidst the noise and haste).

Tip 125: Get used to saying sorry. You'll be saying it a lot.

...like I do, but it makes for a much easier life. Forget the pride and self justification and embarrassment. Just say sorry - you've done your bit then - and move on.

Olga4real

09-22-2011, 12:06 PM

qimissung

09-22-2011, 12:29 PM

LitNetIsGreat

09-22-2011, 01:16 PM

I don't like beer. At all. Would a little wine do, instead?

Yep, just had a small class of wine with my pizza for tea; always wine with pizza, feel free to have a glass everyday on me (I don't mean I'm going to buy it, I was just being polite I mean, try a decent beer though.)

I enjoyed listening to Bill Bryson whilst I was redecorating a couple of years ago. I wouldn't just sit and listen though.

Tip 124: Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. (That irritated little voice inside your head that criticises, curses and complains about every little irritation and small inconveniance that people put your way. This is in fact a demon that that will possess you if you allow it to become your subconcious commentator of choice. You will then turn into one of those odd little old folk that inhabit houses on the edges of estates and who gesticulate wildly at passers-by for the misfortunes of... everything. Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. Go placidly amidst the noise and haste).

Tip 125: Get used to saying sorry. You'll be saying it a lot.

...like I do, but it makes for a much easier life. Forget the pride and self justification and embarrassment. Just say sorry - you've done your bit then - and move on.

The grumbler post is genius. Great tip. I'll try to smash the little so and so. Reminds me of the advert encouraging people to learn again, getting rid of the gremlins.

I almost never listen to audio books, but I think I will start doing so, at least a little at first. My problem is that when I am really tired, and work does not help here, I just can't focus at all. I would never listen to an audio book in other circumstances, but I can imagine myself sat in the bath drinking beer really tired listening to one. Only thing is that I don't have an MP3 or similar??

iamnobody

09-22-2011, 11:22 PM

Has anyone mentioned pets?

Tip #126 Get a pet.

MarkBastable

09-23-2011, 02:27 AM

Tip 124: Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. (That irritated little voice inside your head that criticises, curses and complains about every little irritation and small inconveniance that people put your way. This is in fact a demon that that will possess you if you allow it to become your subconcious commentator of choice. You will then turn into one of those odd little old folk that inhabit houses on the edges of estates and who gesticulate wildly at passers-by for the misfortunes of... everything. Don't listen to THE GRUMBLER. Go placidly amidst the noise and haste).

Bugger that. I have a completely different take on it.

When I was young, I thought that the world was unchangeable - what it was was what it was and there's nothing you can do about it. So there was no alternative to simply putting up with indifferent service in shops, rude people on the tube, the internal inconsistency of outraged idiots who think that Sid Vicious shouldn't have been allowed to cover My Way, the fact that there's a huge plot-hole in Minority Report.

Now I think that it's worth processing these things and sometimes expressing them - not as an obsessive and nitpicking curmudgeon, but in a way that makes the good-humoured though serious point that I'm not prepared to silently put up with this crap.

So I'd say it should be Tip 127 - Listen to The Grumbler and to the Mickey-Taker. They're a double-act, and they work best together.

Olga4real

09-23-2011, 04:06 AM

Has anyone mentioned pets?

Tip #126 Get a pet.

Great tip, thank you!

I would modify it, though:

Tip #127 Pet your pet.

JuniperWoolf

09-23-2011, 04:08 AM

So there was no alternative to simply putting up with indifferent service in shops, rude people on the tube, the internal inconsistency of outraged idiots who think that Sid Vicious shouldn't have been allowed to cover My Way, the fact that there's a hug plot-hole in Minority Report.

So, what clever thing would you say to the person who is serving you indifferently at the shop? I've been an indifferent shop girl, and I'm curious to see if my shopgirl self would notice or even remember thirty seconds after you'd gone. Usually everything that the dull, droning public says to me is completely uninspired, something like "pretty little girl like you should smile more" or "I read last week that this was all supposed to be on sale, was that just a lie to get people in here?"

MystyrMystyry

09-23-2011, 05:57 AM

Ha ha! Good point Juniper!

128 - Practise snappy comebacks

i.e. The answers to the above abuse could be:

a) I'd been smiling all morning - and then you walked in

and

b) Everything is on sale - to normal people

(better to be surly up front than sorry after the fact)

Paulclem

09-23-2011, 06:01 AM

Bugger that. I have a completely different take on it.

When I was young, I thought that the world was unchangeable - what it was was what it was and there's nothing you can do about it. So there was no alternative to simply putting up with indifferent service in shops, rude people on the tube, the internal inconsistency of outraged idiots who think that Sid Vicious shouldn't have been allowed to cover My Way, the fact that there's a hug plot-hole in Minority Report.

Now I think that it's worth processing these things and sometimes expressing them - not as an obsessive and nitpicking curmudgeon, but in a way that makes the good-humoured though serious point that I'm not prepared to silently put up with this crap.

So I'd say it should be Tip 127 - Listen to The Grumbler and to the Mickey-Taker. They're a double-act, and they work best together.

The Grumbler is a subtle beast. It's not the world you change - if you can do that then all's well and good and good luck luck with it- but yourself.

MarkBastable

09-23-2011, 06:22 AM

The Grumbler is a subtle beast. It's not the world you change - if you can do that then all's well and good and good luck luck with it- but yourself.

Well, where would William Wilberforce, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King and Attila the Hun have got if they'd've taken that attitude?

Buddhists! At one? Bone bloody idle, if you ask me.

Having said that, I'm not suggesting that my attitude will change the world, necessarily. It just lets the world know that it's disappointing.

Paulclem

09-23-2011, 07:42 AM

Vonny

09-23-2011, 09:14 PM

No Buddhism highlights our solitude, potential misery and the probability that it will go on and on and on - (much like the Grumbler).

There is an image problem with Buddhism though - doormats. i think the type of westerner it used to attract - disillusioned hippes - dropouts looking for an easy meditation into idleness - may have had the expectation that they just had to rise above it all on a serene cloud of their own superiority.

Having said that too - I like Grumpy Old Men and my wife reports - regularly - that I'm becoming one. It's a struggle...

We just don't have the high profile Buddhists here yet I reckon.

I have only one problem with Buddhism - getting rid of desires. How do you do that and why would you want to? If I got rid of desire, there would be nothing left of me! (Okay, I know this is for another thread, so you don't need to answer here!) But the rest of Buddhism sounds good - things such as eliminating fears. The idleness sounds good too, to stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off. That I like.

#110-Let people be who they are.

This is the best tip ever. My brother sent me an email today ranting about a woman he knows, "She's a princess! :flare: She grew up a princess and she still thinks she's a princess! :flare: She lives in fairy tale land!" Reading it, all I could think was "Let her be who she is!"

Snowqueen

09-24-2011, 01:55 AM

129 - Always try to control your temper.

Mutatis-Mutandis

09-24-2011, 01:58 AM

130 - Drugs.

MarkBastable

09-24-2011, 02:26 AM

So, what clever thing would you say to the person who is serving you indifferently at the shop? I've been an indifferent shop girl, and I'm curious to see if my shopgirl self would notice or even remember thirty seconds after you'd gone. Usually everything that the dull, droning public says to me is completely uninspired, something like "pretty little girl like you should smile more" or "I read last week that this was all supposed to be on sale, was that just a lie to get people in here?"

Oh, I wouldn't say anything to the person being indifferent.

Let's imagine a perfectly plausible scenario.

Me: Could I please have half a pound of mature Irish cheddar?

Indifferent deli person: I'm afraid we're out of Irish cheddar.

Me: Is that all you have to say on the matter?

Indifferent deli person: I'm sorry?

Me: Aren't you going to offer me an alternative? English? Welsh?

Indifferent deli person: Oh. Well...

Me: What do they teach you people in deli school these days? It really is too bad.

Then I'd go straight to head office and demand that she be flogged over the cheese counter, stripped of her position and thrown out onto the street without references, in the hope that this salutary change in circumstances (which she'd have brought down on her own head, let's remember) would lead her inexorably to a life of degradation, heartbreak and ultimately an unheeded demise in a dank corner of some hellish debtors' prison, surrounded by similar miscreants, such as the middle-aged woman on the Tube taking up the armrests on both sides of her seat and whoever wrote the sign in the window of the charity shop in Wimbledon in which the word 'Wimbledon' is misspelt.

In other words, I expect no more than an outcome proportionate to the original offence. I may be particular, but no one could suggest I was other than scrupulously fair.

Vonny

09-24-2011, 03:22 AM

130 - Drugs.

What drugs do you recommend? That last drug idea I got from you had my mind completely unhinged for about 2 weeks. I'm only tonight beginning to feel a bit more sane!

Paulclem

09-24-2011, 12:59 PM

I have only one problem with Buddhism - getting rid of desires. How do you do that and why would you want to? If I got rid of desire, there would be nothing left of me! (Okay, I know this is for another thread, so you don't need to answer here!) But the rest of Buddhism sounds good - things such as eliminating fears. The idleness sounds good too, to stop running around like a chicken with its head cut off. That I like.
[/I]

It's all down to happiness. We pursue the things we think will make us happy - money, fame, drugs, alcohol, partners, etc etc. We may find that the actual happiness is short lived - the money runs out/ fortunes change leaving us with the desire for a richer life but without the means to live it, or fame is a huge boost to the ego, but can result in a massive deflation as fortune changes or the press turns on you, or drugs can become an addiction, or alcohol may lose you money, credibility and family, or partners divorce you or make you unhappy. There's no guarantee that any of the things individuals pursue to make them happy will do so. And, of course, at the end, even at the end of an interesting, positive and delightful life - you have to leave every little bit of it - including your loving family and friends - behind.

It's not actually the having or not having things that will make you unhappy - it's your attitude to it. Can a rich person not suffer if they lose their fortune - be above that and happily take up a poor man's life? If it has happened - it would be a rare person.

Be careful though - it's not thinking - I'm cool. I don't care if I'm rich or poor nothing affects me. Thinking consciously these things will not stop unhappness. What you have to do is cut the root of desire. This is what Buddhism is about - through meditation, reflection and practice. It's not about giving things up, because that's not actually stopping the desire for them. It's about completely changing our conditioning. It is counter intuitive and very very difficult. This is why people become monks and nuns so that they can go through the rigourous training needed to do it. (People don't become Monks and Nuns in order to withdraw, but to focus upon the path which actually brings them up against the very conditioning, emotions and desire that drives all of us.They don't do it to escape but to confront.)

By the way, I'm not advocating anyone becoming a Monk or a Nun. It is unsuitable for most of us. There are other ways a lay person can practice.

osho

09-24-2011, 01:09 PM

MarkBastable

09-24-2011, 01:11 PM

There's no guarantee that any of the things individuals pursue to make them happy will do so. And, of course, at the end, even at the end of an interesting, positive and delightful life - you have to leave every little bit of it - including your loving family and friends.

The trouble I have with this is not that it is or isn't true - because obviously it is - but that anyone should think it should be avoided. It seems so....I dunno...self-regarding to me to suggest that all that is anything other than perfectly all right.

Scheherazade

09-24-2011, 01:18 PM

Real happiness? All of us crave and yet we live misguidedly. We are misled by our society since our society’s values are money, power, relationship, acquisition. There is no shade of happiness and peace there. You can never be happy save a certain point. Once you have the basic you must peruse something subtler than wealrthI often hear people talking about "today's society", "they" and "them" and I cannot help wondering who makes up the society? Who are these "they" and "them"? Are we not part of the very same society?

I feel happy to have certain luxuries (say my laptop or phone or ereader) not because I show them off or they keep me warm at night but because they enable me to do things that give me pleasure... Like coming to this Forum, talking to my friends who happen to live thousands of miles away from me or carry all my books with me.

One can easily claim that smoking, having alcohol or doing drugs are worse than wishing for material things... As they, one might argue, offer nothing but fleeting, false "happiness".

131 - Embrace your society and be a part of it!

LitNetIsGreat

09-24-2011, 02:15 PM

129 - Always try to control your temper.

Scary. I was going to say that too.

Yes I like the Buddhism stuff myself as well. The core values makes perfect sense to me (see for example the Four Noble Truths). I'm not full-on into it but I think in its philosophy there is perhaps something there for everyone, or nearly everyone.

Tip 132 - Dip into Buddhism a little.

You mind find something to make you a little happier.

Alexander III

09-24-2011, 02:19 PM

What drugs do you recommend? That last drug idea I got from you had my mind completely unhinged for about 2 weeks. I'm only tonight beginning to feel a bit more sane!

Meh I dont really recommend drugs...but if you must do one, do weed - by law it is worse than alcohol but from a physical point alcohol is far worst.

I have tried several drugs and had stints with many things, and I don't care much for them. This may sound all cliche but there are natural highs which come internally from the body and these are amazing compared to drugs.

Drugs are a lot like huge metropolitan cities at night. With towers of glass and bright lights of white and yellow and red and green and blue and all that vastness and newness. But after a while living in any big city one feels that metallic loneliness at night, that cold loneliness that only a big glass city with starless skies and little yellow and white lights can give you. Drugs are like this.

Life just seems simpler in the country. I mean everyone ought to spend some time in a big city like New York or London or Paris. But the simpleness of the country is more pleasant.

Alexander III

09-24-2011, 02:25 PM

Scary. I was going to say that too.

Yes I like the Buddhism stuff myself as well. The core values makes perfect sense to me (see for example the Four Noble Truths). I'm not full-on into it but I think in its philosophy there is perhaps something there for everyone, or nearly everyone.

Tip 132 - Dip into Buddhism a little.

You mind find something to make you a little happier.

Mind if I correct a bit?

Tip 133 - Dip into all religions a little.Close an eye once in a while to faith, and once in a while close an eye to modern science. But never keep the same eye closed all the time.

Vonny

09-24-2011, 04:26 PM

Paul, thanks for your explanation. I was kidding a bit about being riddled with desires. My main desire is to be free of my recurrent ptsd symptoms. Buddhism does appeal to me.

Alexander, you described drugs and the city very well. Again, I was kidding mainly. I'm not one to use drugs really, even prescription ones. But the one I'm taking now does seem to be helping. I've even been able to sleep 6 hours at one time.

I rarely ask for forgiveness.
Olga, although you sometimes bear a striking resemblance to my mother, I'll let you be who you are! Probably, as before, your intent comes across a bit different in type. But even if you are like my mother, I'll let you be! :) My mom will never apologize, probably because she thinks it would be an admission of guilt. I used to say "I'm sorry" all the time to her, even when it wasn't my fault. I usually just figure that if I upset someone, I'm sorry for that, even if I didn't do it intentionally. (And then, that's what I was taught to do.) But I made a decision a while back regarding my mother, that I will no longer apologize unless it really is my fault.

Here's one we hear all the time now, but it is good. The zen concept:

134 - Be mindful. Stay in the moment. Stay out of the past and out of the future.
To know how to do it, just watch an animal, such as a cat lying in the sunshine.

Paulclem

09-24-2011, 04:29 PM

The trouble I have with this is not that it is or isn't true - because obviously it is - but that anyone should think it should be avoided. It seems so....I dunno...self-regarding to me to suggest that all that is anything other than perfectly all right.

I put that in order to address the idea that some people seem to have perfect lives - to outsiders looking on. We don't know that, but the perception may be there.

The other end of the scale is the suicide ho wishes to escape from it all - and every shade is in between.

I think you're right though. We are self regarding. We are the centre of the unverse - but that's only because we only tend to look from our perspective - generally speaking.

There are antidotes to that too - meditations on what we owe everybody else - which is that we owe everything.

Is this what you were referring to?

Paul, thanks for your explanation. I was kidding a bit about being riddled with desires. My main desire is to be free of my recurrent ptsd symptoms. Buddhism does appeal to me.

No worries. :D

I do so like the sound of my own typing... I mean voice.. I mean digital expression...

Vonny

09-24-2011, 04:39 PM

No worries. :D

I do so like the sound of my own typing... I mean voice.. I mean digital expression...

I get A LOT out of what you say on the forum.

MarkBastable

09-24-2011, 04:43 PM

Is this what you were referring to?

Kinda. I meant that if the universe were to say to me....

There's no guarantee that any of the things individuals pursue to make them happy will do so. And, of course, at the end, even at the end of an interesting, positive and delightful life - you have to leave every little bit of it - including your loving family and friends.

..I'd say, "Yeah - seems fair. I see no reason to construct any kind of belief system to escape from those very reasonable precepts."

Paulclem

09-24-2011, 07:39 PM

Kinda. I meant that if the universe were to say to me....

There's no guarantee that any of the things individuals pursue to make them happy will do so. And, of course, at the end, even at the end of an interesting, positive and delightful life - you have to leave every little bit of it - including your loving family and friends.

..I'd say, "Yeah - seems fair. I see no reason to construct any kind of belief system to escape from those very reasonable precepts."

I see now. The Buddhist attitude reflects the view that Samsara - this life we experience - is a place of inevitable suffering to the extent that our apparent happinesses also bring suffering.

In the case of a happy and fulfilling life, the likely reality of such a person's mind is that their attatchment to the things that make them happy will have increased, and inensified their attatchment or desire. The inevitable parting from this then results in suffering.

If we could generate a "I've had a good innings" attitude in the face of death, then this will reduce suffering and increase the clarity of the mind. Unfortunately, it seems that most beings are unable, without training, to develop a positive state of mind and thus succumb to fear, anger or another negative emotion. It might be fear for oneself or fear for others in which the underlying motivator is attachment/ desire to retain their state.

I think the Buddhist model of the mind - or rather levels of mind - suggests that whilst our conscious mind may declare one thing - the underlying mind/s are where our motivations and fears manifest and affect our thought and actions.

I don't know if you've ever caught yourself muttering and complaining to yourself about having to do something whilst you somehow get on with what you objected to and do it. I find myself doing this, and my explanation to myself when I reflect is that actually my surface/ conscious mind is not the actual place which controls my motivations and impulses, fears etc. (This might be just me though :biggrin5:).

MarkBastable

09-24-2011, 08:00 PM

I see now. The Buddhist attitude reflects the view that Samsara - this life we experience - is a place of inevitable suffering to the extent that our apparent happinesses also bring suffering.

I have no sense of that at all, I have to say. I'm not saying that there's no suffering - but that it's part of a sort of unfair distribution, because the universe doesn't really recognise life in general as very significant, and actually has no mechanism even to consider whether individual lives are important - which means, actually, that they're not.

I don't know if you've ever caught yourself muttering and complaining to yourself about having to do something whilst you somehow get on with what you objected to and do it. I find myself doing this, and my explanation to myself when I reflect is that actually my surface/ conscious mind is not the actual place which controls my motivations and impulses, fears etc. (This might be just me though :biggrin5:).

I think I'm lucky (and I mean lucky, because it's a confluence of my nature and my nurture - so I can't take any credit for it) that the communication between my conscious and my subconscious seems pretty constant and honest. On the other hand, it might be that I'm either stupid or self-obsessed. Or both.

The upshot, though, is that sometime in my thirties, circumstances conspired to encourage me to figure out what the **** was going on inside me, and so I worked on it. Having recognised a sort of subterranean magma flow that fuelled all the tectonic shifts on the surface, I realised that whatever was going on under there was fundamental, and that as long as I was aware of it, I could anticipate the crevasses, and step over them or step away - and, eventually, learn to dance in time with the shifts and quakes.

All of which, of course, makes you much more sympathetic to the mad volcanoes on other people's planets,

NikolaiI

09-24-2011, 08:34 PM

135 - Trust yourself.

Paulclem

09-24-2011, 08:43 PM

I have no sense of that at all, I have to say. I'm not saying that there's no suffering - but that it's part of a sort of unfair distribution, because the universe doesn't really recognise life in general as very significant, and actually has no mechanism even to consider whether individual lives are important - which means, actually, that they're not.

I think I'm lucky (and I mean lucky, because it's a confluence of my nature and my nurture - so I can't take any credit for it) that the communication between my conscious and my subconscious seems pretty constant and honest. On the other hand, it might be that I'm either stupid or self-obsessed. Or both.

The upshot, though, is that sometime in my thirties, circumstances conspired to encourage me to figure out what the **** was going on inside me, and so I worked on it. Having recognised a sort of subterranean magma flow that fuelled all the tectonic shifts on the surface, I realised that whatever was going on under there was fundamental, and that as long as I was aware of it, I could anticipate the crevasses, and step over them or step away - and, eventually, learn to dance in time with the shifts and quakes.

All of which, of course, makes you much more sympathetic to the mad volcanoes on other people's planets,

I have no sense of that at all, I have to say.

I can understand that. I'm not saying I have much of a sense of it myself except as an intellectual idea. My - our - daily focus seems to be a back and forth of happiness/ unhappiness, and I haven't directly realised this as a truth. At the moment I'm a mere regurgitator, though I have reason to go with it.

the universe doesn't really recognise life in general as very significant, and actually has no mechanism even to consider whether individual lives are important - which means, actually, that they're not.

I - cautiously - think the view is from a different perspective. Our scientific worldview suggests a concrete external world and universe in which we're a tiny part as you indicate.

I think the Buddhist worldview has a different perspective in that reality is created by our minds and the minds of others which establish a seemingly real externality.

The difficulty is that both are valid (Called The Two Truths). It is simple for you to prove to me that the world exists as we perceive it - and I know this and wouldn't argue. The other perspective involves an understanding - through direct insight - into Emptiness - the essential Emptiness of all phenomena. It's to do with the idea that things - people, objects, ideas - have a dependant reality and not an independant one. If things have a dependant reality - so the thought goes - then they do not exist - as we perceive them - as independant objects - but in another way. In short our perception of the universe around us is false. (This is not a proper explanation of Emptiness - I'm unqualified to explain it so I can't really go further with it. I'm not being evasive, but it would be wrong to give a false impression or pretend that I understand it in a way that can explain it to others).

This is a big claim - I can feel the scientists converging upon me as I speak -but may explain the irreconcilability of science and religion.

To get back to your quote - then it thus places us -or rather our minds and other's minds - at the heart of the creation of the external world - (mixed with Karma) - and therefore more important than a scietific view would have us.

The upshot, though, is that sometime in my thirties, circumstances conspired to encourage me to figure out what the **** was going on inside me, and so I worked on it. Having recognised a sort of subterranean magma flow that fuelled all the tectonic shifts on the surface, I realised that whatever was going on under there was fundamental, and that as long as I was aware of it, I could anticipate the crevasses, and step over them or step away - and, eventually, learn to dance in time with the shifts and quakes.

All of which, of course, makes you much more sympathetic to the mad volcanoes on other people's planet

That's good. I'm still struggling with mine. The Grumbler is still strong. I have been impetuous in the past and could have potentially caused myself a great deal of trouble if things had turned out differently. Sometimes upsetting the apple cart can put you on a new and even better path, but I reckon when that happens there's something else going on too.

Paulclem

09-24-2011, 08:46 PM

I get A LOT out of what you say on the forum.

Thanks Vonny. I think many people get a lot out of what you say. I've read a lot of positive responses to your posts.

JuniperWoolf

09-24-2011, 11:04 PM

Oh, I wouldn't say anything to the person being indifferent.

Let's imagine a perfectly plausible scenario.

Me: Could I please have half a pound of mature Irish cheddar?

Indifferent deli person: I'm afraid we're out of Irish cheddar.

Me: Is that all you have to say on the matter?

Indifferent deli person: I'm sorry?

Me: Aren't you going to offer me an alternative? English? Welsh?

Indifferent deli person: Oh. Well...

Me: What do they teach you people in deli school these days? It really is too bad.

Then I'd go straight to head office and demand that she be flogged over the cheese counter, stripped of her position and thrown out onto the street without references, in the hope that this salutary change in circumstances (which she'd have brought down on her own head, let's remember) would lead her inexorably to a life of degradation, heartbreak and ultimately an unheeded demise in a dank corner of some hellish debtors' prison, surrounded by similar miscreants, such as the middle-aged woman on the Tube taking up the armrests on both sides of her seat and whoever wrote the sign in the window of the charity shop in Wimbledon in which the word 'Wimbledon' is misspelt.

In other words, I expect no more than an outcome proportionate to the original offence. I may be particular, but no one could suggest I was other than scrupulously fair.

Hah! Now that would at least break the monotony.

Vonny

09-25-2011, 02:28 AM

Thanks Vonny. I think many people get a lot out of what you say.
Which brings us to the next tip:

Tip #136 Don't Lie :rolleyes: (hehe!!)

I - cautiously - think the view is from a different perspective. Our scientific worldview suggests a concrete external world and universe in which we're a tiny part as you indicate.

I think the Buddhist worldview has a different perspective in that reality is created by our minds and the minds of others which establish a seemingly real externality.

The difficulty is that both are valid (Called The Two Truths). It is simple for you to prove to me that the world exists as we perceive it - and I know this and wouldn't argue. The other perspective involves an understanding - through direct insight - into Emptiness - the essential Emptiness of all phenomena. It's to do with the idea that things - people, objects, ideas - have a dependant reality and not an independant one. If things have a dependant reality - so the thought goes - then they do not exist - as we perceive them - as independant objects - but in another way. In short our perception of the universe around us is false. (This is not a proper explanation of Emptiness - I'm unqualified to explain it so I can't really go further with it. I'm not being evasive, but it would be wrong to give a false impression or pretend that I understand it in a way that can explain it to others).

This is a big claim - I can feel the scientists converging upon me as I speak -but may explain the irreconcilability of science and religion.

To get back to your quote - then it thus places us -or rather our minds and other's minds - at the heart of the creation of the external world - (mixed with Karma) - and therefore more important than a scietific view would have us.

I've read about this emptiness before. We can only know the world through our 5 senses so there is a lot we can't perceive. It's a very freeing thought, and I'm glad you reminded me of it. It's a comforting thought when life feels rigid and overwhelming. It also reminds me that we there is so much we don't know, and can't know, so mystery stays alive. I sometimes say, "I believe in Christ, I believe this, I believe that," but most of all I have an open mind. (However, my hope is that I won't be born again into this world, so if that's Buddhism, I must discard that part of it!)

I think I'm lucky (and I mean lucky, because it's a confluence of my nature and my nurture - so I can't take any credit for it) that the communication between my conscious and my subconscious seems pretty constant and honest. On the other hand, it might be that I'm either stupid or self-obsessed. Or both.

The upshot, though, is that sometime in my thirties, circumstances conspired to encourage me to figure out what the **** was going on inside me, and so I worked on it. Having recognised a sort of subterranean magma flow that fuelled all the tectonic shifts on the surface, I realised that whatever was going on under there was fundamental, and that as long as I was aware of it, I could anticipate the crevasses, and step over them or step away - and, eventually, learn to dance in time with the shifts and quakes.

This explains well how I had learned to manage myself for several years. I understood myself and learned how to compensate and work around my problems. But then when I encountered unprecedented stress in my life, my foundation began to crumble underneath me. So now I will have to reassess my strategy, keep what works, discard, incorporate new things, and tweak here and there - and hopefully come out stronger after this...

My trouble, though, is that a lot does come up from my subconscious and haunts my sleep. That is really the worst of my trouble. When awake I can usually think my way out of things - but not when asleep, I am vulnerable. (Not looking for answers here. No one knows how to solve this problem, other than some kind of medication that can help.) Then when I sleep only 3 or 4 of every 24 hours for a very long time, I begin to have a breakdown. I always wake up feeling that I'm in an unreal world with my heart beating very fast. - And now I have a new fear stemming from this - because of my mom developing atrial fibrillation. (again, sorry if this is like, "Listen to my heart". Tony is probably reading me with his morning coffee.)

Tip # 137 - Find a way to get your sleep If you can sleep, you're lucky, so don't short-change yourself.

Olga4real

09-25-2011, 03:27 AM

Olga, although you sometimes bear a striking resemblance to my mother, I'll let you be who you are! Probably, as before, your intent comes across a bit different in type. But even if you are like my mother, I'll let you be! :) My mom will never apologize, probably because she thinks it would be an admission of guilt. I used to say "I'm sorry" all the time to her, even when it wasn't my fault. I usually just figure that if I upset someone, I'm sorry for that, even if I didn't do it intentionally. (And then, that's what I was taught to do.) But I made a decision a while back regarding my mother, that I will no longer apologize unless it really is my fault.

Honestly, being constantly compared to someone gives me feeling of some kind of discomfort.
Saying 'I rarely ask for forgiveness' I meant that I hadn't had a chance to ask my mother for forgiveness before she died. Although in everyday life I do apologize pretty often.

Vonny

09-25-2011, 03:31 AM

Honestly, being constantly compared to someone gives me feeling of some kind of discomfort.
Saying 'I rarely ask for forgiveness' I meant that I hadn't had a chance to ask my mother for forgiveness before she died. Although in everyday life I do apologize pretty often.

Sorry Olga, I won't do it anymore. If you knew my mom it would really make you uncomfortable. There's only one like her. I was kidding a bit.

I know that you are nice... I'm initially missing your true intent when I see your posts.

Shalot

09-25-2011, 12:06 PM

Tips for a happy life

Do things you love to do

Be around people who lift you up

Be grateful

Smile

Drink lots of water

Remember, it's not always about YOU

LitNetIsGreat

09-25-2011, 12:43 PM

Sorry, just to make them more obvious. They're good tips.

Tip 138 Do things you love to do

Tip 139 Be around people who lift you up

Tip 140 Be grateful

Tip 141 Smile

Tip 142 Drink lots of water

Tip 143 Remember, it's not always about YOU

I was going to add the one about sleep but Vonny got there before me. Missed a couple of hours over the weekend and I'm struggling a bit.:as-sleep: See they work. If only I had read that one sooner.

cafolini

09-25-2011, 12:54 PM

Don't go around accepting too much because then you'd be left with little to give.

Vonny

09-25-2011, 01:28 PM

Don't go around accepting too much because then you'd be left with little to give.

Isn't it people who can't accept the ones who have nothing to give? It doesn't mean that you don't try to improve yourself.

I read these on someone's blog last night and I can't remember the person's name. The second one the wording is changed - I can't remember how they said it.

Tip #144 - We create our own consciousness and subconsciousness.

This is true. If something has been programmed in the wrong way, you keep putting in the opposite into your mind, such as those tips 138 - 143, and eventually it will reprogram.

Tip #145 - Accept as though you've freely chosen it.

This one, when I read it on the blog last night, I thought, no way! But it's true. If you face a challenge in life, and you fight against it, resisting it very strongly, it fuels the problem somehow. The only way to let it go, is to just let it be.

(Concerning Tip 143, I've been working through "stuff" on here, and I know Tony already has enough to keep him busy, so I'll stop this!)