To go afar

[peter7805]

the moonlight is still on the wild ground
and your shadow is long and long
till the sound of the horse hoof’s gone
everywhere calling you there is a song
look at the sky two lines of wild geese I found
bow my head tears wetting my make up down
heartbroken to paint the wall with missing upon
all through the night I see love’s road too long

your footsteps are wandering too far
my missing accompanies you to far around
whose tears in the moonlight frozen to frost upon
and you make me crazy missing you so long
your footsteps are wandering too far
my missing accompanies you to far around
if to be with you in this life that I can’t
after death I’ll become a butterfly lying in your arms around

playing the lyre’s string broken without my sadness gone
through autumn water I can’t see love’s right or wrong
my sadness is still on with years turning around
boundless white snow can’t cover the sorrows on
time flies away in the spring and fall’s ground
how can I be drawn to be that young
I wish to enjoy the moonlight with my man
to the end of the earth and remember that I can’t

your footsteps are wandering too far
my missing accompanies you to far around
whose tears in the moonlight frozen to frost upon
and you make me crazy missing you so long
your footsteps are wandering too far
my missing accompanies you to far around
if to be with you in this life that I can’t
after death I’ll become a butterfly lying in your arms around

[AsianGuy1137]

Very nice poem, so much better than half the cliched crap I hear on the radio these days. I can relate to this poem (substitute man with girl), and I must say, it's like peering into the recesses of my soul if I was sensitive enough to feel the emotions conveyed by your lyrical rhythm.

[hillwalker]

Some of this is quite good - the repetition suggests someone unable to cope with losing a loved one. The constant sense of loss swirling around inside their head.

But it suffers from a great number of awkward expressions - and I'm not sure whether they are a result of you trying to insert rhyme into the poem, or trying to write in a rather archaic way (because you think that's what poetry's supposed to be like) or possibly because English is not your first language.

For example :

'if to be with you in this life that I can’t'

isn't correct English however much poetic licence you allow yourself.

Why not write 'if I can't be with you in this life'?

And if your answer is that it doesn't follow the structure of the poem then you need to find some better way of expressing the idea than twisting the sentence into knots just to make it fit.

H

[peter7805]

Very nice poem, so much better than half the cliched crap I hear on the radio these days. I can relate to this poem (substitute man with girl), and I must say, it's like peering into the recesses of my soul if I was sensitive enough to feel the emotions conveyed by your lyrical rhythm.

thanks very much for your comments !

[peter7805]

Some of this is quite good - the repetition suggests someone unable to cope with losing a loved one. The constant sense of loss swirling around inside their head.

But it suffers from a great number of awkward expressions - and I'm not sure whether they are a result of you trying to insert rhyme into the poem, or trying to write in a rather archaic way (because you think that's what poetry's supposed to be like) or possibly because English is not your first language.

For example :

'if to be with you in this life that I can’t'

isn't correct English however much poetic licence you allow yourself.

Why not write 'if I can't be with you in this life'?

And if your answer is that it doesn't follow the structure of the poem then you need to find some better way of expressing the idea than twisting the sentence into knots just to make it fit.

H

thank you very much!indeed i am trying to use english language to intorduce different culture to the people around the world .and it is a chinese song which i like very much the lyric is very beautiful and touching and i am trying to translate it it into english of course i am paying more attention to the rythem things but in general it is fit for the original meaning if you are interested in thisyou can listen to this and i hope you like it listening to the song and read the english lines and maybe you will feel different. thanks again!
http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_4db7d0d60100tmwo.html

[hillwalker]

Thank you for the link - I enjoyed listening to the song.
I appreciate how difficult it can be to translate a song into English and maintain the rhythm as well as rhyme.
There are still lines in your piece that don't make very much sense in English but I applaud your efforts.

H