Loveless Sand

[notebookwriter]

"Why don't we go for a walk?"
"That's a horrible idea," Amy replied.
"Come on," James pleaded.
"Fine," April said, defeated.

They walked down the boardwalk onto the beach receiving the suspicious looks from the consolers and teens. They were at one of Charleston's many beaches for their summer church retreat. The sun would beam down on the large beach house and beach with sharp but beautiful rays. During the night the beach was total darkness only pierced by the flash lights of excited crap hunters.

This dark beach is what James and Amy now descended onto. The laughs and smiles rose as they walked past, but only from those who knew of the one sided relationship. They walked down the beach, James leading her away from the flashlights. The small beach area was closed in by two rows of wooden pillions. This was considered the boundary for the retreaters and was shared by four other beach houses.

James stopped at the boundary and turned onto April. She stepped back surprised, but she had expected this. He had been following her incessantly and she hadn't had a moment to herself the entire week. She knew he would advance and she had prepared for this moment.
"We need to talk," she said sternly.
"About what?" he said lustfully, his eyes growing wide.
"I don't like you," she replied angrily into the dark.
His chin dropped a little, and sorrow shot through his system.
"In fact, I don't like any of the guys who are following me, its kind of annoying," she continued gaining speed.
"Ok," he stammered.
"I came to this retreat to have fun and meet the people Im spending the rest of high school with," everything came to a dead stop.
"Oh, ok," his head dropped.

She returned to the house, with her head held high, she had stood up for herself and was proud. He followed lazily behind her, head dropped and eyes drooping. Everyone knew what had happened, he had been shot down like a plane. Someone invited him to a game of cards, to soften the landing.

[Steven Hunley]

This needs work. You've introduced a character in the first few lines and have him go with her to the beach, then discard her. James and Amy do the decending, but then he turns "onto" April. They also decend "onto"the beach.

We also have "the consolers and teens" and also "the flash lights of excited crap hunters" not to mention, ""In fact, I don't like any of the guys who are following me."

one is a mispell, the second "crap hunters" so funny it was terribly distracting, and never any previous mention of guys following either.

There's also the chance you might be thinking of changing "she continued gaining speed " to gaining "momentum."

But that's not the problem. What this lacks is story. Yes, I see your point. A girl refuses the unwanted advances of a guy. If you have a real story, you can tell it, and tell it badly if you like. If you don't have much of a story you can sometimes make up for it with very very good writing, but in the end, it's like propping up a volley-ball net in the sand. No matter how much you prop it up it always falls over.

So what to do?

Number one get a spell checker or dictionary. Two, proof-read the sucker or better yet, have someone else proof read it for you. You know the story-they don't . They can point out any unclear items for you, just as I have and save you some grief and time.

This story might work if you provide more conflict and dramatize the sucker. It's a common enough situation, a girl rejecting a guy's unwanted advances. I like the idea. Many women and men can relate to this. But it's going to take work. Writing is a skill and like any other can be learned. But you have to practice and have patience. Don't scrap the idea. Work on it. Good luck.