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MystyrMystyry
08-26-2011, 08:01 AM
No-one knew where it came from, just that it had. A block of ice in the middle of Manhattan, the size of a skyscraper stretching from Fifth Avenue to Thirteenth.

You may ask how it was that there were no witnesses to its appearance, but perhaps there had been, so terrified that they had fled and refused to admit it - not even to themselves.

This had happened to one such individual who was presently quaking in his socks on the floor of his apartment; not solely from the cold did he shake, but mainly from the shock of what he saw inside.

It was a balmy afternoon in late summer, yet here he was shivering his goosepimples off with his airconditioner on full heating. He was on his third Beam and cola, and tenth cigarette since his return, a self-medication that had seen him through many of life's more traumatic times - and here he was in his most traumatic.

On the floor next to his shivering feet lay three scraps of silver trim paper peeled from a Riversol notebook, and a leaky blue biro. There were blobbed markings on the nearest sheet which even he had trouble deciphering this early, though he felt he had to do his best to describe the event lest he was struck down by sudden cardiac arrest.

His breathing was fast and shallow, and his pulse pumped at a frantic rate. He bypassed the pouring of a fourth glass by taking a deep burning swig straight from the bottle, and another, grimacing, though it's desired effect was nearly immediate.

'How to describe the sight?' he wondered with the ballpoint poised, however not yet ready to unleash it. He couldn't say what he saw simply, other than to relate it as 'everything' and 'all at once'.

There were clothes on washing lines, helicopters, sweeping deserts, an accordian player in the rain, jam tarts, mountain ranges, freshly picked carrots, asteroids, colourful toys in a department store, a new red rose, a murder of crows, an electronic waste dump, a redwood forest, a watch factory. As he would soon write 'Far easier to describe what I didn't see.'

The next half an hour rolled by rapidly as the scraps of paper piled up, and more whisky ingested, as the sights were recorded. When he finally took a break he found himself exhausted and hungry. He ordered a pizza.

But something felt odd, apart from the event and the effects of the liquor, he knew something about him had changed forever.

He sat patiently waiting, musing over what had happened a few hours earlier - which he could afford to now that his blood pressure had resumed to a stable level.

There were very few reflective surfaces in his home, so it may have come as a surprise for him to find he'd changed on the surface as well.

When the doorbell rang, he leapt into action while the pizza delivery boy stood in stunned silence, too petrified to run, as a long sticky tongue emerged from behind the fangs and instinctively coiled around the prey's neck.

It whipped back and with one gulp the human became dinner.

Bluehound
08-26-2011, 06:41 PM
I like this, I can imagine that seeing 'everything' and 'all at once' would change a person forever, but then the way it did change him was unexpected.

Varenne Rodin
08-26-2011, 07:06 PM
Haha. This is amazing! I love it. Extraordinary.

Steven Hunley
08-26-2011, 08:25 PM
I think this was REAL fun! Highly enjoyable and imaginative. Gee whiz Dr. Science, a real corker! I would change one line though. " With one gulp the human became dinner." But that's just me.

MystyrMystyry
08-27-2011, 09:37 AM
Thanks Bluehound :)

MystyrMystyry
08-27-2011, 09:38 AM
Thanks Varenne :)

MystyrMystyry
08-27-2011, 09:44 AM
Thanks Steven - I did it on a new smartphone (smarter than me) during a break when I was trying to work out how to set up the internet, email etc. It could benefit from a few fiddlings - it seems to work as a very very very short Steven King type story (hey, you're both called Steven - maybe you're related?)

AuntShecky
09-06-2011, 06:32 PM
The subject is an original among "creature features" with the possible exceptions of Kurt Vonnegut's "Ice-9"(which is a scientifically-manipulated chemical rather than a monster per se, albeit just as scary) and maybe "The Thing" which both movie versions (I like Carpenter's better!) place the menace in Antarctica, not to mention
Robert "Fire and Ice" Frost.

Now some comments on the story itself--

The opening line grabs the reader's attention, just as every good opening line is supposed to do.

The sentences in the second paragraph could be combined.

Try to avoid awkward, stilted expressions, esp. the constructions which others on the Web have dubbed "Yoda Speech": "not solely from the cold did he shake."

Same with needless repetitions: "and here he was." The phrase repeats a little farther in the same sentence.

The list the victim makes in his description (beginning with wash on the clotheslines) is amusing but a bit bizarre! A man so terrified he wants to record what he's seen wouldn't include such details, would he? Not even one who's downed a couple Jim Beams. I realize, though, this is a catalogue of what apparently had been trapped inside the big block o' ice. (But a few sentences back this wasn't made clear; it read as the man had been shocked at what he had seen "inside" the apartment!

Make sure your pronouns have antecedents. I was confused as to who was the victim -- the "he" who is mentioned throughout the story or the pizza delivery person. (Or maybe the pizza guy is "dessert"?)

Which reminds me--as good as your opening line was, your ending seems a bit tired. A description of prey as a predator's "dinner" has been used too many times on Animal Planet or the National Geographic Channels.

Despite these picky criticisms, I still think the story is entertaining, though!

As I said before, you're one of the most original writers on the LitNet.

MystyrMystyry
09-06-2011, 11:31 PM
Thanks Aunty :) Yes, line breaks are very important!

Now, I'll begin by admitting that I agree with you, that I wrote and submitted rather hastily, and without so much as a proof read other than spelling, but more amazed that I could I do this on a telephone (fair enough, it's a state of the art miniaturised portable computer with telephone and computer capabilities), but really just a test to see that it could be done. One problem became apparent, and that was in the tiny screen, which though bright and sharp, can only contain so much text at once for comfortable re-reading, so naturally mistakes were made.

But I shall rewrite it - as I've tacitly promised - and very soon, as you've given me a great idea to go with. I hadn't realised that it was going to be read differently to how I'd intended (sloppy on my part indeed, and I of course take full responsibility), and thus the feedback has caused me realise that this particular one may have legs :)

I've absorbed your critique and will be on it immediately.

Thankyou again :)