Haunted

[Jack of Hearts]

What voice spills from the tip of this pen,
cloaked in black ink, haunted like a ruin.

And these symbols that, sounded aloud,
send shivers down my spine,


are never voices that I know,
are surely not a tone of mine.

[Jack of Hearts]

YOU, CRYING



Stained-glass shattered.

Broken colors, once an image

washed in sunlight,

refract; a prism

as everything falls down.

[aliengirl]

Two poems of rather dark hues, still fascinating.

[MystyrMystyry]

I'd place these near the top of your top ten Jacko - very well wrought and succinct

[Jack of Hearts]

Thanks for reading, you two!






J

[Hawkman]

Hi jack. The problem with the first one start in the first line. The voice is singular but in S3 becomes plural. It would also read better as "Whose voice" You don't need the two are's here either, nor the that in S2 L1 and I'd recommend coforming the declension in S3.

"not a voice I know,
surely not a tone of mine."

There's not much wrong with "You, Crying" I'd make, "A Prism" the first line and change refract to refracted, but that's all.

Very minor tweaks these. The poems are wonderfully minimalistic sketches though.

Best, H

[hillwalker]

The second is the better of the two because it paints a clear picture in the reader's eye. Unlike Hawk, I would probably dispense with 'a prism' entirely since it serves to confuse rather than clarify the image.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I, on the contrary, preferred "Haunted," where all that is withheld does indeed haunt one.

[AuntShecky]

Pretty good lines, except perhaps for "shivers down my spine"-- a bit shop-worn? Then again, it's evident the expression ties in with the "haunted" motif.

[Bar22do]

Yes you could lose the shivers in your spine, but JackoH! "Haunted" is as briefly expressed as it is effective! Thanks a lot for sharing.

[Jack of Hearts]

Thank you all so much!

Dr. Hawk is probably right about the reconstructive surgery.

Dr.hill thinks one of the twins is genetically inferior and wants to circumcise the other (just a little snip to make it cleaner)...

Dr. Prince must be a cardiologist, because he's keeping this would-be writer's poetic heart beating with kind support and encouragement.

Dr. Aunty is an orthopaedic surgeon. She thinks it's time to replace that old spine.

Dr. Bar must be an alcoholic. He's recommending a 'friendly shot' to cure this reader's essential tremor.

All in all, a damn fine HMO and this patient gets a little better each time due to such great care and feedback.




Thanks again.







J

[firefangled]

The separation of who we are and what we write is very well expressed in haunted. I would leave out the two are's to give it more punch.