Short Paragraph essay for English class

[Adolescent09]

I was wondering if I could get some comments/criticism for this short paragraph on Kate Chopin's Desiree's Baby before next monday when it is due. Thanks a lot everyone.
-----

Title: Brevity infused with Multifarious Implications in Kate Chopin’s Desiree’s Baby

Although it may seem a concise and relatively simple story to an impetuous reader, Kate Chopin’s “Desiree’s Baby” presents a setting eerily subject to change from the start revolving around implications of race, sex, and and political agenda highly gossiped about yet scarcely the source of criticism among Chopin’s contemporaries.

The story is one of subversive parallels, white verses black, man verses woman, and power verses subservience. From the get go we are introduced to two quiet protagonists who evolve into Armand’s inevitable anathemas, Desiree and her baby. At first, happiness abounds with future racial tensions being supplanted with a serene setting of a white mother and her baby. But as nature cruelly changes the outcome of these jovial circumstances, the first parallel of white vs. negro race rears its ugly head. Immediately following this diversion is the notion that since the baby is of colored complexion its mother is the responsible member of the husband and wife duo, the former of which is unshakably perceived as white with as the story presents a heritage that is “the oldest and proudest in Louisiana”. This leads to the concept of how one and only one sex, the male sex, is more dominant than the female sex. Lastly the story is of political significance since the precursory fairytale-like monologue of a well-to-do couple that finds a beautiful yet abandoned baby drastically shifts into one in which that now fully blossomed woman is on the cusp of ostracism due to her phenotypical background.

'---Edit---'

Here is another short story that is due on the same day next week. Thanks for reading, comments, suggestions, etc...

Title: The Versatility of Time in Kate Chopin’s “The Story of an Hour”

I will be discussing the various roles that time plays in Kate Chopin’s short story, “The Story of an Hour”. Firstly, following the news of her husband’s death, Mrs. Mallard experiences time eternized in the expanse of a short hour. During the elapse of this seemingly long yet short period between the news of her husband’s death and her departure from the room inside of which she has ensconced herself, she has fantasies of a prolonged, joyous moment in which she is now free since the shackles of connubialism have been lifted. Right after the news of her husband’s death, time is of the essence for Mrs. Mallard since it becomes that which is cherished for the happiness it brings and because she can make it last as long as she wants by committing suicide. At first the reader is tossed upon the horns of a dilemma as to whether this fantasy is perpetuated by the circumstance that Mr. Mallard is a man of vice, but upon closer inspection we see that he is relatively docile. The eternalization of time is underscored by the variety of emotions that she feels throughout its duration from happiness, to sadness to terror, to ecstasy and so on and so forth. In the end, ironically, when she sees her husband, that which supposedly gave her a reason to live causes her to perish by means of a ‘heart attack of joy‘ perhaps since his preconceived demise gave her greater mirth than she could have expected.

[hillwalker]

Well, I don’t know a thing about Kate Chopin’s work but I’m guessing her writing is multi-layered and multi-faceted judging by the titles of the two essays you have submitted. To even come up with such titles is some feat. I felt out of my depth even before venturing further.

I did wonder what you meant by ‘impetuous reader’ – perhaps ‘casual’ is the adjective you are looking for since ‘impetuous’ has wider implication. A reader who is studying the piece while standing on the wing of a bi-plane possibly, or hanging from the bar of a trapeze?

Then you insert a phrase that destroyed any pretence of my being in the presence of someone who takes language seriously :

‘From the get go’ in an essay? Yeugh! It’s such a horribly contemporary expression, employed by political spin doctors, sports commentators and media types who prefer to throw out two ambiguous words when one more precise one will do. Why not just write ‘From the start’?

Incidentally, I would suggest you change ‘verses’ to ‘versus’ before handing it in.

I think ‘these jovial circumstances’ is rather a weak term as well and would consider finding something better as replacement or leaving it out completely.

‘rears its ugly head’ is a tired expression – try to avoid clichés in writing of this sort.

Immediately following this diversion is the notion that since the baby is of colored complexion its mother is the responsible member of the husband and wife duo, the former of which is unshakably perceived as white…

is a long, long sentence that does tend to ramble on.
The phrase ‘the husband and wife duo’ is terribly awkward – I’d substitute something along the lines of ‘the mother is generally seen as the more responsible parent’ though I’m unsure whether you mean responsible for nurturing the child or responsible for the colour of its complexion.
Possibly you need to clarify the term ‘responsible’ – and break this sentence up into shorter segments.
It’s also difficult to picture how the mother is ‘unshakeably perceived as white’. Is it because her skin actually is white? If that is the case (I don’t know the story) then it’s not a case of perception but of fact. Probably a little more polish needed here.

My final bit of advice on this first piece (and indeed the second) would be to break them up into separate paragraphs. Stick to one topic or issue per paragraph. It makes for clearer reading and shows you have been able to muster your thoughts into some sort of order before presenting them to the reader. Lots of short paragraphs are infinitely better than one dense block of writing.

The second probably needs a little more work because there’s some needless repetition and it comes across as muddled. This is where breaking the piece up into separate paragraphs will actually help you structure a more meaningful essay.

‘seemingly long yet short period’ is another awkward phrase and repeats what you have already suggested, that the hour written about in the story has stretched beyond its temporal limits. I would be inclined to use examples from the story itself to demonstrate how the author has taken advantage of the concept without labelling it in your own rather clumsy fashion.

‘the room inside of which she has ensconced herself’ is another abomination – presumably you don’t need me to tell you what’s wrong with it. You are allowed to keep things simple and concise even in high-brow essays. Clarity is more important that erudition.

’time is of the essence’ is another cliché – surely you can come up with something fresher.

’the reader is tossed upon the horns of a dilemma’ – third cliché and counting – why not just say 'the reader is faced with a dilemma'? It does what you want it to do without relying on some absurd image of the reader being hurled into the air by a rampaging bull.

In the end, ironically, when she sees her husband, that which supposedly gave her a reason to live causes her to perish by means of a ‘heart attack of joy‘ perhaps since his preconceived demise gave her greater mirth than she could have expected.

is a bit of a mess. The underlined parts need removing and/or replacing with something a little better. Again, keeping your sentences short will help you work out what it is you are trying to say.

I’m not sure about the opening sentence of this second one btw – telling us you will be discussing elements of the story. All that follows is a preliminary list rather than an insight into how the writer plays with the concept of time. So you might consider changing the phrase… just a thought.

Good luck with this.

H

[DickZ]

Nice and thorough critique, hillwalker. You always put more work into your suggestions than the writer whom you're advising does in putting together his/her essay in the first place.

[Jack of Hearts]

That seems a bit cruel DickZ.

This reader saw this when it was first posted. Immediately he opened a word processor and began to make edits. After a thorough deconstruction/reassembly of the first offering, he deleted the document- because there was a realization. The edits themselves seemed okay but they were all revolving around similar ideas. And what good is the legwork without the theory? The goldmine is the theory, and this reader believes there are certain realizations a writer must make for themselves.

That said, if you want to understand this reader's edits, you must, in your own way, come to the following conclusions:

Elegance is stating something substantial in a simple way.

Prose and essay writing have a certain flow to them. This flow is maintained by the reader's ability to track the ideas. For this reason it is best to write as simply as possible- for example, sentences that contain more than two central ideas are cumbersome.

Perhaps the greatest tool you have is the ability to imagine yourself as the reader (your teacher in this case). From that perspective, how could this become a smooter, easier read?

Anyways, there's a couple of bits if you want them.





J