The Candle

[Twota]

His heart is like a candle
that is passed from hand to hand,
each has one match to light it
and a chance to keep it burning
for the longest period.

He doesn't love a specific person
but the idea of being consumed,
after all, that's his only purpose,
to provide the temporary carrier
with light and warmth.

His life span is shortened
by every passing hand,
and so he dreams about the day
when he is passed to the right owner,
one with a fresh paper heart.

[ShadowsCool]

This poem touches home. I can relate to falling for someone just for the sake of it. I think you spelled it out well. Maybe a touch here & there and you got a nice smooth poem. :biggrin5:

[Jack of Hearts]

It seems to nail a lot of the fundamentals, Twota. It's great in that regard. But this reader thinks it needs to communicate a bit more poetically- doesn't it seem, at parts, very straight forward? Instead of telling us these things, could you show us using poetic language?

Anyways, you're doing good these days, keep 'em coming.






J

[Hawkman]

A brilliant poem twota, but if I were to change it, I'd cut the first two lines, they're not really necessary.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

I agree that first two lines tell us what the rest of the poem is trying to show us - you don't need both. Let the image of his heart as a candle passed from hand to hand be enough.

I don't even think you need the second and third verses - but maybe a line or two replacing the closing line of the opening verse to summarize what the final verse says.

H

[Delta40]

I enjoyed all of it. Leave it as it is! Ah Lit-Net. So many different opinions....

[Bar22do]

I'm enchanted with this. Love it ALL. Straight to the point, works for me. A poem! Bravo.

[everyadventure]

Nice one, Too-ta! ;)

[PrinceMyshkin]

I agree that the first two lines could and ought to go, and so should the "a" that begins the final line. Otherwise it is as bright - but more enduring - than the flame of the candle.

[mutedresponse]

Simple and Nice..works for me.

[Twota]

Thanks everyone, I will put what you all said into consideration :), and glad you liked it. :D