Chaos EDITED

[TheodoreK.16]

One of my firsts, but after editing thoroughly, I am content with this finished poem. Here it is:

The moon hangs in darkness, above us.
Weeping, identical to a thousand widows.
Watching, as sense is drowned out
in the eruption of the night.

In the beginning of the end,
confusion is born,
questions are living,
but answers cease to exist.

Sanctuary is sought, yet never discovered.
A million screams are cried out,
horrendous pain,
with masses of people murdered.

Chaos we enter,
it is peace we desire,
yet the fight continues.
For us it is all over,
we cannot escape this chaos,
humanity has cracked.



Tell me what you think! (:

- Theodore

[hillwalker]

You say you have edited this but there’s still so much more you can do to make it read better – making it tighter, more concise.

The moon hangs in darkness, above us.

Do we need to be told the moon is above us? Of course not – so that phrase can be cut out without the poem losing anything important.

Weeping, identical to a thousand widows.

Another rather awkward line – I would consider replacing ‘identical to’ with ‘like’ for two reasons – if you read your original line out loud it sounds clunky, and the moon cannot be identical to a thousand widows surely since each widow is going to be different anyway.

In the beginning of the end,
confusion is born,
questions are living,
but answers cease to exist.

I don’t really understand this verse – you’re playing with paradoxes but not actually saying anything. This kind of mumbo-jumbo doesn’t help you get your message across very well. So if it’s not carrying its weight in the poem get rid of it.

Editing can sometimes be rather painful when you end up cutting out entire chunks of a poem that you've worked so hard to write, and that you moght once have felt were essential. But can you really justify this verse's existence - particularly after such a fine opening?

Sanctuary is sought, yet never discovered.
A million screams are cried out,
horrendous pain,
with masses of people murdered.

Another rather confusing verse – you’re implying that there is no safe haven for humanity from the chaos of the world but the images of ‘a million screams’, ‘horrendous pain’ and ‘masses of people murdered’ mean nothing unless you provide us with some context. Where is this supposed to be taking place? You need to convince the reader all this anguish is real but to me it sounds rather fanciful.

And the final verse would also benefit from a little tightening – a little rephrasing – possibly combining the first and penultimate lines into a single closing line.
As for ‘humanity has cracked’- that line is probably best forgotten because there’s nothing in the poem to show how you have reached such a conclusion.

So, overall I liked the way the opening stanza sets the scene but felt you got carried away with your negative opinions long before the end. Without much to prove what you were trying to say it’s a bit like someone shouting at the four walls of an empty room.

This poem can be salvaged if you stick with the good bits – draw out why the widows might weep – and cut down on the sermon of doom and gloom.

H

[Delta40]

I think the poem should begin at S2 'In the beginning of the end' as the first stanza has a different feel to the rest of the poem.

I would revist S3 & S4 because it's a leap to seek sanctuary from something the reader has no idea of. The lines are good but I think they could be re-organised to make more sense.

Finally, 'humanity has cracked' is a conclusion. Perhaps written as 'humanity cracks under the weight of chaos' or similar will give it more of an imaginitive touch. You don't want black and white conclusions in your poetry. Facts don't read as well as imagery.