Beyond the falling comets and persistent stars

[DocHeart]

Beyond the falling comets and persistent stars


Beyond the falling comets and persistent stars
Lies loneliness. A city sky's seen
Differently from there; stupidly courageous,
Mocking black nights with neon falsehoods.

A blueness, on the other hand, emerges
When one observes such skylines from the ground:
It is the very heaviness with which
Unskilled saxophonists sit on a gentle
Pianist's mouth.

From thirty thousand feet I watch you dance,
Smashing the fragile porcelain of our small romance.
Descending and observing from a shorter distance
Does nothing to alleviate your non-existence.

[Jack of Hearts]

Doc-

This is a poem that contains a number of things to like. Let's look at 'em.


Beyond the falling comets and persistent stars
Lies loneliness. A city sky's seen
Differently from there; stupidly courageous,
Mocking black nights with neon falsehoods.

Ok, this reader understood this stanza as looking down from the cosmos upon a city, who's neon lights are splitting organic darkness. The image of 'falling comets' is quite nice. This reader wishes you would've qualified the 'loneliness' a little more, though maybe you didn't feel like it.


A blueness, on the other hand, emerges
When one observes such skylines from the ground:
It is the very heaviness with which
Unskilled saxophonists sit on a gentle
Pianist's mouth.

Here we seem to be getting the human view of it, from earth. This is quite a nice contrast, but this reader only barely picked up on the flavor of it- call him simple minded, but he wishes this were developed a bit more. The expression 'on the other hand' is used mostly to indicate these contrasting views. In this reader's opinion, while this is quite functional, maybe there's a great chance to get all creative/arty here and show the contrast between the two views better? But it could be that doing so would bog the poem down, so this reader will have to trust you on that one.

One thing hard to understand was the unskilled saxophonists sitting on the pianist's lips. Does this mean that a pianist is unskillfully attempting to play the saxophone? That's a great image, but this reader needs a little bit more help here to be sure...


From thirty thousand feet I watch you dance,
Smashing the fragile porcelain of our small romance.
Descending and observing from a shorter distance
Does nothing to alleviate your non-existence.

So we're on an airplane now? Liked the second line. Is there some play here between the contrast idea you've presented before (nearness and distance, space and ground view)?

This reader questions the rhyme. It doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the poem. The last two lines he doesn't understand at all- it seems like they should tie back to the wonderful work you've already set up in the previous stanzas?

Anyway, just some notes. This reader liked this.








J

[hillwalker]

There's so much about this to admire - expressions like

Beyond the falling comets and persistent stars - Mocking black nights with neon falsehoods - From thirty thousand feet I watch you dance,/Smashing the fragile porcelain

But I also felt the final stanza the weakest. Concluding an unrhymed poem with a rhyming couplet often delivers an effective coda - but the 4 awkward rhymes we have here are a little hard to swallow.

H

[Hawkman]

You seem to be exalting in hights and plumbing depths and even drifting through the spaces in between. Generally, the narrator doesn't seem to be having a good time. We have references to lonliness, the blues and failed romance, but the closing lines come over as a bit petulant.

The opening would seem to promise more than the poem ultimately delivers. It is on a cosmic, grand scale seeming to offer lofty perspective and then contrast it with a more human one. I actually think you could use this poem to start three seperate ones with more coherent themes, but combining them like this just gives the impression that you couldn't focus on what you really wanted to say.

Having said this I have to agree with hill that you have some great imagery going on here. Worth reworking, I think.

Live and be well - H

[Bar22do]

The following lines spoke to me as if personally, so I took them baldly from your context (with apologies):

Descending and observing from a shorter distance
Does nothing to alleviate your non-existence.

Nothing helps, indeed: a close friend has fallen while fighting terrorists the other day over here. His fresh non-existence is a pain so horrendous, it creates a gulf, where loneliness will rule forever...

[DocHeart]

Dear everyone,

Thanks for reading and posting your comments. If this is poetry, then I'm something of a rookie poet, so I can use the feedback.

@Bar22 - condolences. This was indeed meant to be about grieving, and I'm sorry it was so directly relevant to you.

Good health,
DH

[Bar22do]

Thank you Doc, the strange thing is, in addition, I used a "rising comet" in the poem I wrote following this recent event... were it not so tragic, I would post it here. Be well.

[Jack of Hearts]

Just in case it was lost somewhere in the analysis/feedback, this poem has some great images going for it- in fact, they've stuck with this reader for a couple days.







J

[Jack of Hearts]

Ah, yes. Revisiting this one was great. There are some pretty good and memorable elements in it.






J