Close Encounter

[Hawkman]

The hand in mine is weightless,
resting there like thistledown,
and wondering at its warmth
I kiss pale skin, thin as silk.

Tragedy shouts from your eyes
but I don’t listen, for your voice is soft,
caressing, like a lover’s touch,

and we embrace,
flowing against each other’s contours,
as I breathe your air and seek your cheek
with lips that find your stubborn mouth
cautiously welcoming;

a subtle conversation in silence,
the taste of possibilities,
followed by a breath, a sigh,
and fleeting peace.

[MystyrMystyry]

Good and bad Hawk - beginning with the title:

So you're rooting an alien? I know the expression has become the particular cliche but this won't reclaim it as the first stanza appears to be describing the delicate sectoids from the end of the movie

Now with that image in mind I see these huge almond eyes in the first line of the second - and 'shouting'? Thought control surely

The third stanza features special rarefied alien aroma, and a stubborn mouth cautious


Sorry - I'm not actually criticising the poem, just the choice of title (and I'm not trying to be funny - just how I read it; unless: am I on the ball?)

[Hawkman]

Well, I had to call it something, and Brief Encounter would have been a bit cliched and The Kiss would have been that and trite as well. I had hoped that intellects, perhaps a teesey bit more subtle than yours seems to be, would have appreciated the neuances of it without fixating on the idea of miscegenation with extra terrestrials - lol. I only hope you haven't corrupted the readership with your comic book sensibilities, however regrettably amusing they may be :D

Thanks for reading, I think.

Live long and prosper - H

[MystyrMystyry]

Right - I'm afraid the title definitely suggests a popular culture reference for 'those beyond the stars' and I came to it with expectation and anticipation for what it may contain - only at the end did I think 'that could just have easily been about a 'conventional encounter' ' before realising that that was exactly what it was about - no offence intended because I of course am always quick to champion the stories which lend themselves to universal transplantation.

But having said this you could do worse than look into the Mars/Venus angle as a possible motif :)

[Hawkman]

you could do worse than look into the Mars/Venus angle as a possible motif :)

I'm way ahead of you there, kiddo! Women are strange, mysterious and wonderful and it's nice to have one. But whereas a man is attracted to a wonderful girl and hopes she'll always be a wonderful girl, it seems to me that a woman takes a man on as a project to be transformed. If the man allows himself to follow her design, the woman then dispises him for being weak and treats him like crap, and if he resists, the woman sulks and makes his life a living hell for the duration of the relationship.

How on earth have we managed to survive as a species? lol

Live long and prosper - H

[PrinceMyshkin]

"flowing against each other's contours

on its own would make this poem or many another but I regret to say I didn't follow the subtext of this account. "Tragedy"? "stubborn mouth? I don't understand these, notwithstanding the exposition you later provided, but of course it flows as everything by you does.

[Hawkman]

Hi Prince, Please ignore the "exposition" which is just banter between MM and Me, stemming from his initial comment and really having nothing to do with this poem, which is just the description of a moment. I'm happy that you appreciate the poem's flow and found it worthy of notice.

Live and be well - H

[AuntShecky]

I wouldn't worry about the title.
This is coming from someone who until very late in life had believed that Brief Encounter was about a man meeting the love of his life in a laundermat where he washed his underwear.

[IceM]

The hand in mine is weightless,
resting there like thistledown,
and wondering at its warmth
I kiss pale skin, thin as silk.

Tragedy shouts from your eyes
but I don’t listen, for your voice is soft,
caressing, like a lover’s touch,

and we embrace,
flowing against each other’s contours,
as I breathe your air and seek your cheek
with lips that find your stubborn mouth
cautiously welcoming;

a subtle conversation in silence,
the taste of possibilities,
followed by a breath, a sigh,
and fleeting peace.

My only qualm is from the penultimate line of Stanza 3 through the first line of Stanza 4 with respect to grammar. Why not put a comma after mouth, let cautiously welcoming flow without the semi-colon and call it even? That, or remove the final semi-colon. I like that feel just a bit more than how it is now. My grammar may be off, but don't auxiliary phrases like "cautiously welcoming" need to be offset with commas.

I do indeed like this poem; my girlfriend would remark that it is sexy, and that I need to keep up. Consider it a challenge.

[Hawkman]

Auntie, you naughty girl, you are teasing the Hawk - lol I don't believe you for a moment.

IceM, Thanks for reading, but about your point. The sentence is correctly punctuated to indicate the sense of what is said. eg: I find you sitting in a chair, or I find your lips cautiously welcoming. It is one complete portion of the sentence, I'm not creating stacked subordinate clauses. The sentence is then broken by a semicolon and continues on a new tack, with subordinate clauses, which are delimited with commas.

I'm glad you like it and that you think your girlfriend will too, but are you offering challenge or accepting one? lol

Thank you all for reading and for your comments.

Via con Dios - H

[Jack of Hearts]

Auntie, you nut.

Hawk, this reader especially liked stanza three- and your comment in reference to 'The Kiss', as this stanza did remind the reader of that Rodin sculpture (an absolute masterpierce of a sculpture, and an absolutely evocative piece of poetry).







J

[Hawkman]

Thanks Jack, I think there is an inevitable association there :) It is one of Rodin's finer pieces.

Via con Dios - H

[IceM]

I'll challenge you shortly after I build my reserves of poems. No point going into a gunshow empty handed, yes?

[Hawkman]

I choose quills at twenty paces, en guard! ;)

[MystyrMystyry]

149 views! 14 comments!

I'm gabberflasted and smobgacked!

[Hawkman]

Well I'm not sure why you should be, but thanks for the bump anyway :thumbsup: - H