Tuolumne Meadows

[IceM]

Just as an eagle, who,
aware of the freedom in flying,
outstretches his wings in bliss,
the morning sunlight streaked across the meadows.
A cluster of deer,
gray as the musty dust in unopened cellars,
grazed on the clover patches
while the cicadas sang their songs of love.

Somewhere,
the trill of a flute sounds,
as does the crackling of a morning fire.
The scent of parsimony and stew
reminds me of my hungry stomach.

Contented with my redwood,
I listen to nature.
The redwood leaves rustle in the summer breeze;
a group of larks begin to harmonize;
the spring whispers in hushed tones on the river banks--
and, again,
I am lulled to sleep.

[Jack of Hearts]

Ice, it's good to have you posting again.

This reader thought this poem was really good at displaying the scene of a meadow, wildlife and the themes of the homestead there. But he also thinks it needs a little thinning down in two ways- ancillary words and imagery. The imagery is very good but there's just so much of it that it seems to make itself diluted. If it were his poem, this reader would pick his favorite images and expand on them and cut the rest out- but this may not be the way you like to do things, so grain of salt. The ancillary words thing- words that are unneeded to make sense, etc.- is just a kindness to the reader. Again, you may not agree with that, and these are just impressions that one person gets, and that person knows nothing about poetry, so there you go.

Even still, it's just feedback, partly out of respect for your effort. This reader liked reading this poem.

So keep posting.








J

[Hawkman]

I have to agree with Jack, IceM. I'd cut:

", who,/aware of the freedom in flying,"

"reminds me of my hungry stomach."

"ed with my redwood,"

and then it's excellent.

Live and be well - H

[hillwalker]

Ditto to the above - a little trimming would make this more evocative.

We don't need a reminder of your empty stomach, or the role of love in the song of the cicadas, or indeed 2 redwoods in the final verse.

But it held me spellbound.

h

[IceM]

I thank you JoH, Hawk and Hill for reading. I hadn't written anything since June, and I had stopped reading poetry as well. To simply resume writing after a two-month break will have many of the errors you all are recognizing. I appreciate you taking the time to read my poem, I'll make the edits after I get off of work today; I'm already here, and so I need to go.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate your critiques.

[Delta40]

Nice imagery.

[AuntShecky]

Yes, of course this is a lovely word picture. Alas, a couple of quibbles--

Re: the opening lines a bit: there's a Homeric simile and the images are spot on, but I would tweak the structure because it "reads" a bit like prose--subject+ Verb+ object

The only other question is with "parsimony." We all know it means extreme frugality or a tendency to be overly tight with a buck, and it does explain the empty stomach conceit. Coupling it with "stew" makes an interesting idea , but I just wonder how "parsimony" can be thought to have a "scent."

[IceM]

Yes, of course this is a lovely word picture. Alas, a couple of quibbles--

Re: the opening lines a bit: there's a Homeric simile and the images are spot on, but I would tweak the structure because it "reads" a bit like prose--subject+ Verb+ object

The only other question is with "parsimony." We all know it means extreme frugality or a tendency to be overly tight with a buck, and it does explain the empty stomach conceit. Coupling it with "stew" makes an interesting idea , but I just wonder how "parsimony" can be thought to have a "scent."

Thank you for reading AuntShecky.

My mom used to call parsley parsimony. Now, I know the poet has no way of knowing that, but the ambiguity wouldn't hurt. :biggrin5:

As I review this poem in the future, I'll make sure to consider your revisions. Thank you for reading!

[Jack of Hearts]

Or maybe the question we should be asking is if parsimony were to have a scent, what would it smell like?






J